First Timers

Day 10: Stress Relief

2010-05-10T21:25:00.000-07:00

Ugh! What a day. One of the most stressful in a really long time. One problem after another at work. One of them looked like it was going to be days worth of work to fix, but we accidentally discovered a relatively easy solution in the afternoon. By the end of the day my shoulders were in knots. All day I craved a cigarette and by the time I got home I was really stating to crave that bottle of wine in my cupboard, but instead I went on an easy walk, did yoga and played with Tater and eventually the cravings went away. A mini miracle!

Image courtesy of zweettooth.

Day 7: My First "Clean" Friday

2010-05-07T20:47:00.000-07:00

I deliberately didn't make many plans this weekend because I don't feel strong enough to resist temptation around other people yet, but I have to admit that come home by myself on a Friday night with no cigarettes or alcohol or chocolate to dull the loneliness was a lot harder than I expected. Amazingly, I survived!

Ok. I admit I wasn't perfect. I splurged a little and had a piece of sugar free chocolate cake from Piece of Cake and Synergy kombucha tea because it's fruity, fizzy and has a trace of alcohol since it's fermented, but I'm still going to claim it as a victory!

Image courtesy of Bert van 't Hul.

Day 5 & 6

2010-05-06T11:41:00.001-07:00

Day 5 - I felt like a nervous wreck and was exhausted with huge dark circles under my eyes when I got to the gym after work. I tried to work out, but only made it 20 minutes.

Day 6 - I've been nauseous all morning. Not sure what's going on. The only thing I can think is that I've been giving myself free access to fats since I've cut everything else out and maybe I'm over doing it, but I actually thought I ate really well yesterday.

Image courtesy of Rafał Walczak.

Day 4: Quiet Temptation

2010-05-04T13:05:00.000-07:00

This morning I still had a hard time getting out of bed, but it wasn't as bad as yesterday. I did crave cigarettes this morning and chocolate after my lunch, but I was surprised and how quickly the temptations flitted from my mind. I can only hope it will continue to be this easy.

Photo by Dominic Morel

Day 3: Can I go back to bed?

2010-05-03T12:21:00.000-07:00

I did manage to survive last night without opening the bottle of wine in my cupboard or eating the chocolate bar in my freezer or treking to the gas station around the corner from my house to buy a pack of cigarettes. Truthfully, I wasn't really even all that tempted, but I'm sure that will come.

Despite my stellar behavior yesterday, I am sleepy and lethargic today. I pushed the snooze button on my alarm for an hour and a half this morning until I finally managed to force myself to get ready for work. Now that I'm finally here, I have a dull headache, I have a bit of a chill and my brain feels foggy. I assume this is part of the detox phase. Hopefully, I will start to feel better in a couple of days.

In the meantime, it turns out that my assistant has decided to do something similar with her food. We each came to this conclusion independently, but it helps to have someone who understands what I'm going through and who can hold me accountable at work.

Instead of usual snack of M & M's and diet A&W Root Beer after my Ethnic Gourmet lunch, I opted for a pear, some reduced fat Monterrey Jack cheese and a Tangerine Talking Rain Sparkling Water. I went for a walk. I convinced myself to workout on the way home. I felt much better by the evening. Calmer yet more energized than I normally do.

Image courteousy of Michael Lorenzo.

My Own Personal Food Revolution

2010-05-02T12:32:00.000-07:00

I have several vices including: chocolate, cigarettes and wine. Turns out my bad habits aren't just killing me slowly, they're making me sick on a daily basis. See, I've been having some stomach issues for a few years now. When I mentioned them to a coworker, she recommended that I visit her naturopath. So I made an appointment and met with her doctor in October 2009.

Since then, I've discovered that my stomach problems are directly related to the amount of junk food I eat and alcohol I drink. And I know as well as anyone, smoking cigarettes is just a bad idea. It's stinky and unhealthy.

At the insistence of the naturopath, I've made small steps toward eating better over the last few months. I now eat breakfast everyday. When I eat processed meals, I try to buy organic, whole grain options. I almost never eat products made with white flour. But it's not enough. So I've decided to go cold turkey and give up all three vices for the next two weeks, until my mom comes to visit.

This won't be easy. As Mark Twain said: “I deal with temptation by yielding to it." But I'm tired of being sick and the only way I'm going to feel better is if I find a way to say no to temptation. So here goes:

Day 1 - Honestly, it was a bit of a rocky start. I managed to avoid alcohol and cigarettes, but gave in to the temptation of the chocolates in the pantry, the ice cream in the freezer and the pizza in the fridge at the house where I'm dogsitting for the weekend.

Day 2 - It's a new day. I had a lovely breakfast of raspberries, asparagus, mushrooms, whole grain toast, two eggs and Swiss cheese. I've also fueled my motivation with a marathon of Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution. However, as I write this, I'm reminded that I have a bottle of wine and a chocolate bar at home that I'm a bit afraid of. I can only hope I'm strong enough to resist them, until I can find a way to get them out of the house.

Image provided by: G & A Scholiers

Christmas 2009

2010-01-06T06:17:00.000-08:00

2010 Goals

2009-12-31T15:54:00.000-08:00

For me 2009 could be summed up in one word: survival. Now it's time to thrive! So I've been defining my goals for 2010. Here's what I'll be working on:

1) Get a healthy gut

stick to 1500-1600 calories a day
limit flour, sugar and alcohol consumption
shoot for 25 grams of fiber a day
take supplements as recommended by naturopath
drink 8 glasses of water a day
meditate on affirmations for 5 minutes a day

2) Run a 5k in under 30 minutes

quit smoking
jog 3 - 4 days a week following beginning and intermediate training plans
do yoga 2 - 3 times a week

3) Find freelance work to increase income

finalize resume
finalize online presence
finalize budget
attend 1 networking event a week (cocktail hour, class, one-on-one lunch)

4) Start dating a totally awesome man (*this is a would be nice to have)

pay for Match.com profile and make it awesome
talk to one hot guy a week

Image courtesy of Billy Alexander.

Chillaxin

2009-10-22T20:57:00.001-07:00

The truth is that I've been pretty stressed and bitter lately. (By lately I mean for the last year.)

I'm embarrassed to admit that I often take it out on my best friend and it's really yucky. (Sorry J.)

Despite my crankiness, he still seems to want to hang out with me and we've been talking a lot about letting stuff go and what that means. I really didn't get it, but I think after today I it's starting to make since.

When I started handselling for Insatiable I knew there would be a learning curve, but I never expected the lesson I got today. My handselling career has been a bit of a roller coaster with days of really strong sales and days of little to no sales. Tonight while I was selling I started thinking about what makes the difference between the good days and the bad ones and a trend started to emerge.

Now that we're expected to make sales numbers I often get stressed out when it doesn't look like I'm going to make it and it occured to me that when I start to stress my sales go down. Additionally, I realized that when I am relaxed and approach the sale session with curiousity I tend to do better. So I tried it tonight. I relaxed and had fun with it and sold 7 bottles.

I just started doing yoga again in the mornings a few days a week before work and after tonight I think I finally get what they mean when they say take your yoga with you. In yoga you have to relax and breath to properly move into the poses. If you tense up it makes it harder to practice.

The trick is remembering to continue to apply this so I can stop stressing and lashing out at my friends and coworkers.

Image courteousy of Tenzin Senge

House Wine = Fine

2009-10-10T12:44:00.000-07:00

I've been hearing a lot about House Wine red blend from Magnificent Wine out of Washington and at Safeway it's on sale for $9.98. I love the label! But I was honestly, not a huge fan of the wine. It smelled nice like red raspberries and tasted a little like sour cherries. I found it to have a smooth, flat finish.

However, their wines have been well received by Wine Spectator, so I'm curious to find out what you think. Have you tried it?

The Firefighter

2009-09-27T22:27:00.000-07:00

I talked to the firefighter for the first time in almost a month. It was nice, and awkward and annoying. I thought I was totally over that guy, but it apparently I'm not exactly. Darn it! The good news is that I was the one to end the call for the first time in the history of our conversations.

Buy Yourself Lilies

2009-05-29T22:17:00.000-07:00

I only remember three occasions when I have really appreciated it when a man bought me flowers:

1) When my friend Matt spontaneously purchase a long stemmed rose from a flower stand in the farmers market in Stockholm and gave it to me because I'd never seen such a thing before.
2) When my dad bought me flowers as a "congrats on your new office" present.
3) When my ex-husband bought me a dozen red roses for my college graduation gift.

But, it didn't occur to me until recently that I could buy myself flowers.

I started out by just buying whatever was on sale, but tonight when I was at the grocery store, the smell of the lilies (my favorite flower) was so inviting that I had to see how much they were. I splurged and bought a bunch for $3.99. It was the best decision I made all day. They're gorgeous to look at and I keep getting wafts of fragrance from the kitchen. I love it!

Image courtesy of Dan Shirley.

Tagged. You're it!

2009-05-05T12:13:00.000-07:00

What's your current obsession?
Keeping up with my RSS feed, tweets and Facebook friends.

What keeps you going when days are hard?
Chocolate, Mr. T. and my mom.

What are you wearing today?
I just realized that my sweater matches my cell phone exactly!

Why is today special?
I get to see my friend Serina and my mom is coming to visit in two days.

What would you like to learn to do?
Surf.

What's for dinner today?
Chips and salsa. It’s Cinco de Mayo!

What's the last thing you bought?
Groceries.

What's your favorite weather?
Sunny between 70 and 80 degrees.

What's your most challenging goal right now? To develop a more sunny disposition.

What do you think about the person who tagged you?
I think she’s fantastic! I learn something new about her every time I interact with her and I really need to make a trip to visit her later this month because I’ve flaked out on her a couple of times recently!

If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?
On a beautiful beach in a charming village with great hiking trails, wonderful people, fabulous shops and delicious cafes.

Favorite vacation spot?
Laguna beach – technically I’ve only been there for work, but it always feels like I would be really well recuperated if I went there for vacation.

What would you like to have in your hands right now?
Mr. T. I just can’t get enough of that little rascal.

What would you like to get rid of?
The cloud of my divorce and the weight I’ve gained over the last few months.

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
It’s a tough decision I’d either go to Spain to visit my friend Anna or Salt Lake to visit my friend Adara and her new baby or Durango to visit my friend Paige or Florida to visit my friend Erinn.

What's your favorite thing about the city you live in?
The library.

If you had $150 now what would you spend it on?
My mom’s birthday!

If and when you buy a magazine at the airport, what do you buy?
I typically only travel for work now so I often feel inspired to buy business magazines like Fast Company or Inc. But sometimes I can’t help myself and I buy Psychology Today or O!Describe your personal style. Feels frumpy these days.

Who's art show would you want tickets to?
Oh my! I’m so out of the art world I’m embarrassed.

What are three live shows that you have seen?
Michael W. Smith, Tom Petty, TV on the Radio.

RULE 1 Respond and rework. Answer the questions; replace one question you dislike with a question of your own invention. (Oops! I didn’t read this rule until I was done and I couldn’t think of anything to change.)

RULE 2 Tag 7 other people you would love to learn more about. (This is easier to do on Facebook.) Here are two:

Stateside
Bubble Essence

Divorce Worth Celebrating?

2009-05-01T20:42:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's been a year since I told G that I wanted a divorce. Now the divorce is finally official and we only have a couple financial things to wrap up (the condo and his car) and we will no longer be connected.

Tomorrow my friend K and his wife are hosting a divorce party for me at their house. We've been saving and planning for this party for months with a paper cup on my desk that served as the Divorce Party Fund sponsored by my friend J. The cup was there collecting loose change from various office mates for so long we made $28.

The party promises to be a riot with various friends and coworkers and strangers showing up, imbibing in alcohol, roasting wieners, making smores, playing croquet, splashing in the hot tub and shredding it on Rock Band, but I'm honestly having a hard time feeling festive.

I vacillate between wondering if my biggest mistake was getting married or getting divorced. Am I really better off? Were we really that badly matched?

When I asked for divorce, I was so angry and scared, I could only see G as the enemy and his actions for the following few months only solidified that opinion in my mind. It's only been in the last couple weeks that I've been able to remember the good times like the time he covered the dinning room table in chocolate for Easter because I told him how it used to be a special holiday for me as a kid. When I think of how he used to help me wake up in the mornings and make me tea sometimes before work I'm so sorry I didn't try harder. Sorry that I got angry instead of compassionate. Sorry, that I let my insecurities and fear cloud my love. And I wish I could take it back.

But then I remember that he left me at a shopping mall with no forewarning, no transportation and no guarantee that he was coming back. I remember that he held me to the floor when I came home late from work after going out with friends for some cocktails. I remember how I used to ask him to stop the car so I could get something to eat or go to the bathroom and he would just keep driving like he didn't hear me and I wonder how I got myself in that situation to begin with.

As I'm writing this post, tears are streaming down my cheeks and I get a text message from the ex saying that someone is showing the condo tomorrow. In a moment of weakness, I text him back to say thanks for letting me know and that I'm so sorry it ended up this way.

He responds "Why do you keep saying that?"

My reply: "I didn't realize I was repeating it. I guess I just wish we could have ended on better terms without all the anger and fear." I'll probably regret this later, I'm thinking as I write this. I don't know how, but he'll probably use this against me.

His response: "It natural in the end. I just wanted it over once it was started. Your a good person we were just a bad fit in the end. I wish you all the..." Stupid phone didn't send the rest of the message. I imagine it's supposed to say something like "...best."

I wonder how he can say that when he doesn't have a job and our house is about to go into foreclosure. This is definitely, not the same guy I married. His girlfriend has definitely done some good work on him or maybe it was God since it appears from his Meetup.com profile that he goes to church now. (Yes, I cyber-spy sometimes.)

Should I reply? Can I say the same? Do I wish him all the best? Do I really think we were just a bad fit? Is it appropriate to just say thanks? If I don't say anything is that bad juju?

I settle on "Thanks. Better luck in the future 2 u 2." This is because I really do mean the thanks part and that I want him to have better luck farther in the future, but not yet and definitely not better luck than me. Truthfully, I still kinda want him to suffer for a little while, but not forever. I feel awful for thinking that and hope it doesn't jinx me in some way.

He replies with "Thx. I'll sure I be ok." This raises my hackles for some reason and I realize that he's never apologized. I furiously start typing a response and then sigh and lay down my phone. I don't want to fight.

I'm pretty sure I'll be OK too.

Cupid

2009-04-08T22:51:00.000-07:00

I've always been a sucker for love stories, so tonight when I happened across the new show on ABC Cupid I kinda fell in love.

I Am Because We Are -- A Documentary By Madonna

2009-03-29T21:59:00.000-07:00

If you've read this blog before, it may be no secret to you that I am prone to pity myself. Hopefully, it is equally evident that I am frequently reminded of all I have to be thankful for, that I am, like all of us, responsible for my actions and live with the consequences of them -- both good and bad.

I was recently reminded of these wonderful truths by a film written and produced by Madonna about the struggles of Malawi, Africa and called I Am Because We Are. If you don't have time to watch the whole show, please take time to watch the last 30 minutes -- it is the most hopeful. You can also visit the website to learn more about the film or how to help.

Image thanks to Silvia Cosimini.

Ahh...Home!

2009-03-23T20:23:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe it's been over a month since I signed the lease on my new apartment. It's been a crazy month of going back and forth between my old house and new, with a trip to California for work in the middle, but things are starting to slow down and I'm finally starting to feel at home. Not just in my new place, but it feels like it's spreading to my psyche too.

I come from a background where being busy was highly valued, but thankfully my most recent roommate helped me break through this mentality. Now, I find myself moving toward a balance.

I feel so blessed to have a home and furniture and food and a job to continue to support this lifestyle at this time. I know that this could all change at any time and that's scary, but I'm so thankful for this experience because it's helping me refocus.

I now know that there are people who are really struggling to feed themselves and their families. My heart goes out to these people and I look forward to the days when I have more money to help them. In the meantime, I'm looking for ways to give what I can. (Check out Secret Millionaire and The Life You Can Save for some inspiration.)

According to the Oregon Food Bank website a gift of $12 can fund an emergency food box that will feed a family in need for at least three days! What about you? Have you heard of any great ways that people on a tight budget are helping those who are just trying to survive?

Image thanks to Claudia Veja.

Perfect Timing for a New Routine

2009-03-09T21:11:00.000-07:00

I used to think I was spontaneous, but this week, by myself at the old roomie's house, I found myself kind of floundering. When, I started looking for something or someone to blame and I realized it's all up to me now. I've spent the last five years going along with someone else's plan and I'm still having a hard time taking control of my own life.

So last night, in honor of Daylight Savings Time, I did a really nerdy thing. I typed up my "ideal" routine for week days and weekends. Then I printed them out and taped them in the back of my journal.

Today was far from perfect, but it really helped to have a plan. I'm thinking about trying to block out my workdays now too. My only concern is that I will become too rigid, too reliant on my routine. While it's good to have structure, I think it is also important to remain flexible.

What's your routine like?

Image courtesy of Asif Akbar.

TV or Radio?

2009-03-04T20:51:00.000-08:00

I've been "roughing it" in my new apartment for a week and a half without Internet or cable. For the first time in my life I've been listening to the radio outside of my car of my own will and I've been really enjoying it. I'm learning about music and taking advantage of OPB.

As of today, I'm house/dog sitting for my old roomie and his giant TV and Tivo. I've been looking forward to watching TV for a few days now, but I'm finding that I haven't been missing that much--except for Millionaire Matchmaker!

After a night of binging on reality TV and sitcoms, I'm actually kind of missing the radio. My Internet should be hooked up on Saturday! But I don't think I'm going to get cable or by a television for a while. I wonder if I can watch episodes of Millionaire Matchmaker online... er

What about you? Have you ever given up something and then found out you were better off without it?

Image courtesy of Steve Woods.

Peanut Butter & Sandwich Baggies

2009-02-26T11:32:00.000-08:00

I just moved into my own apartment this last weekend (!) and I'm still gathering the essential kitchen items like a can opener or Tupperware.

While I wish I thought to take these things from the condo the last time I was there, I'm learning to improvise until I can purchase them.

Today, I really wanted peanut butter with my celery, but I didn't want to take the whole jar of PB to work, so I stuck a couple tablespoons in a plastic sandwich bag. It definitely helped me transport the substance, but getting it out of the bag is a lot messier than I anticipated.

This is the first time that I've lived totally on my own so I'm sure I'll be learning many more lessons like this in the near future. I look forward to sharing them with you.

What about you? Have any funny first time in a new place or on your own stories?

P.S. I'm also without Internet at my house right now, so I'll be posting when I can on my lunch break until I get that all set up.

Anger. Is It Ever Productive?

2009-02-19T21:14:00.000-08:00

The soon-to-be-ex and I went to H & R Block to get our taxes done by Bob Noel. Bob is a easy-going partially-retired tax preparer who handled the awkwardness of our martial situation graciously. If you're looking for a tax preparer, I'd recommend him.

We managed to remain cordial throughout while working with Bob. G told me all about his family and asked about my birthday plans while Bob entered our info into the system, but then when we left, the real conversation began.

He mentioned that the bank called him about the late payment. I took that opportunity to tell him that I didn't appreciate his decision to stop paying his portion of the mortgage. What I actually said was, "I just want you to know that it really pisses me off." He went on to say that he was going bankrupt, blah, blah, blah -- but I know how much he makes, I saw the balances in his bank account. I don't believe him.

I dropped it because I could see that arguing about it was futile and all I was accomplishing was working myself up. I really thought going off about the unfairness of the financial division would make me feel better, but it didn't.

Any ideas of how I could have handled this situation more effectively?

Photo courtesy of Rene Asmussen.

I Didn't Expect To Have That Conversation!

2009-01-26T20:11:00.000-08:00

I just got off the phone with the soon-to-be-ex. We were talking about the latest version of the settlement. We both feel that we're "this" close to finally being done with this part of the process.

"We should be close and might even be able to sign the papers by the end of this week," he said.

"Sweet!" I replied.

"Just keep up that attitude and that should help make this happen even faster!"

Did he just give me a pep-talk to get me through the finalization of the settlement? I didn't see that coming 8 months ago!

Image provided by Keith Syvinski.

Deliberately Off Balance

2009-01-23T23:20:00.000-08:00

Last Saturday I went to my first Kripalu yoga class at the Lloyd Athletic Club taught by Barbara Wood.

The focus of the class was on centering. I feel better just writing that word. But the interesting thing was that she encouraged us to deliberately shift our weight slightly off balance temporarily in each pose and then to come back to center and notice how much easier it was to identify.

We may not do this intentionally in life, but we've probably all experienced this concept off the mat. (I know, I often allow external circumstances to throw me off balance.) But each time we stop and take the time to find our center we become more familiar with it and the easier it is to locate.

(Image provided by abcdz2000 via stock.xchng.)

Delight In the Process

2009-01-18T18:15:00.000-08:00

For the first time in years I feel like I'm on the right path with pursing freelancing. I know I have a really long way to go, but that actually kind of excites me. I'm actually looking forward to the process more than the outcome.

Don't get me wrong, I want to get published, make money and establish a good reputation for myself, but even if I don't, I know that I'm doing the "write" thing (sorry, couldn't help it) by pursuing this goal.

Is that how you feel about your current goals? If not, have you ever felt that way about anything?

(Photo provided by Michal Zacharzewski via stock.xchng.com.)

Getting Things Done

2009-01-16T10:19:00.000-08:00

I took the week off to work on my freelancing career and I've been learning a lot. I kicked the week off by taking a freelancing primer by Laurie Dart at PCC which helped me gain confidence and direction.

The biggest hurdle for me was writing and submitting my first query which I sent to Yoga Journal yesterday -- thanks to the helpful advice of Moira Allen and The Renegade Writer.

I still have a lot to learn and do:
1) Define my online presence (I want to create a website.)
2) Write more queries (My goal is to write a query a week this year.)
3) Gain more readership for my wine blog: swirlsniffsipandsavor.blogspot.com.

In addition, some of the divorce stuff seems to be coming together:
1) We meet with our Realtor on Wednesday and the condo is now listed on RMLS.
2) I reviewed what I hope is the final settlement proposal and my lawyer should have sent it to the soon-to-be-ex's lawyer.
3) I transferred my portion of the join credit card debt to my own account.
4) I am working on refinancing my car into my own name. (I hope I'm not doing the refi stuff too soon. It has to be done so I just figured it would be better to get it over with.)

Unfortunately, I was not entirely perfect. I did have a bit of a relapse and bought a pack of cigarettes. I don't like it, but I can't seem to get myself to throw them away.

How was your week?

Photo provided by Cris DeRaud.

No Longer Up in Smoke: Day 4

2009-01-04T20:53:00.000-08:00

I decided to quit smoking again.

It's been intense, but I'm doing it! I get anxious and irritated, but I'm learning that smoking didn't solve anything, the intense emotions don't last and I don't have to react.

Naturally, temptation is constantly striking. For example, as I was driving to my friends' house yesterday, each gas station I passed was advertising the brand of cigarettes I used to smoke and the price kept decreasing as I got closer to their house. I managed to laugh at the obvious test of my will and to keep driving.

In addition, to make sure it's a true challenge to quit, one of my worst fears has come to pass over the last few days: the-soon-to-be-ex-husband hasn't been depositing enough money into the joint account to cover his portion of the bills. Fortunately, we have overdraft protection, but it's still scary. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he refuses to acknowledge my questions.

In the past I would panic and fly into an emotionally frenzied state, but this time I'm trying to remain calm and non reactive. I just keep telling myself "This is not the end of the world. I can handle this."

I'm actually kind of thankful that this is all happening because I think it's a fabulous learning experience. You see, the-soon-to-be-ex has always been able to find my weak spots and poke them and I would react in horrible ways. I thought that being rid of him would automatically solve the problem, but now I realize that he was only part of the problem. His behavior was often less than stellar, but my response was deplorable as well. Now I want to learn to manage my thoughts, emotions and actions in a more productive and peaceful manner and this is a prime opportunity to practice.

Plus my hair smells good!

(Picture by Martin Rotovnik.)

New Blog: Swirl, Sniff, Sip and Savor

2008-12-28T14:16:00.000-08:00

I started a new blog called Swirl, Sniff, Sip and Savor for people who like to drink wine, but can't afford to spend a lot of money on a bottle. I will be focusing on wines between $5-$10.

It's still in its infancy but I'd love your feedback and ideas of wines to try.

Enjoy the rest of your holiday season!

Happiness

2008-12-22T13:37:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading Storms Can't Hurt the Sky: A Buddhist Path Through Divorce. This was the clearest, most practical book on Buddhism I've read so far. It was full of interesting insights and fundamental Buddhist truths. Most of which are probably pretty readily found in other books, but the particular application to coping with divorce naturally hit home for me.

I'm still trying to absorb it all, but the fundamental Buddhist truth that we are all seeking to attain happiness and to avoid suffering hits home for me. I know that this has been the primary motivator for most of my actions throughout my life.

I see how I subscribe to self-cherishing and how this aided in the failure of my marriage. Rather than reacting with compassion I acted out of anger. When my husband did things to ease his own suffering that caused me pain I retaliated.

This doesn't excuse the very hurtful things that he did to me or that I did to him, but it does help me to have compassion toward him and myself.

I want to continue this excavation of my thoughts and Cohen suggests several books to help, but there are so many to choose from, I'm not sure what to choose. Any suggestions for what I should read next?

Fire!

2008-12-20T08:11:00.000-08:00

My dad called on his way home from work Thursday evening to let me know that he was driving by the lodge where G and I got married and it was on fire. By the time he got there most of it had already burned down.

It was a beautiful building and I feel awful for the people who worked there. They were very gracious and had helped us plan a very nice event.

At the same time, the thought of it no longer being there is kind of cathartic. It's like nature's way of annulling the marriage.

(Picture by Hans Thoursie.)

Day 30: Saved By The Alarm

2008-12-16T22:07:00.000-08:00

Despite the fact that I triumphed by finding a rolling pin for $7.99 at Safeway (compared to the $30 at Fred Meyer), by the time I got home from work today I was racked with intensely painful emotions. Even my roommate noticed that I wasn't my usual self.

Normally I try to "snap out of it" by the time I get home, but tonight I was determined to wallow in my self pity. Until the alarm rang at my roommate's office and he had to go check it out.

I wasn't sure what to do after he left so I decided to meditate. It was an intense session filled with waves of self doubt, self pity, anger, sadness, jealousy, impatience, guilt and fatigue. A lot can happen in fifteen minutes! But afterward I actually felt better. Nothing about my circumstances had changed, but I guess the landscape of my mind did.

(Picture by Craig Jewell.)

Day 28: I've been replaced

2008-12-14T19:52:00.000-08:00

Unlike me she keeps her razors in my shower. Her toothbrush sits on my sink. And her key probably works in my door.

I know I shouldn't let this bother me. It was bound to happen sooner or later.

What "kills" me is that I'm paying for the place where she sleeps with my husband.

I say kills because yesterday my heart ached so intensely I irrationally believed I might die from the pain.

But as the cliche goes: this morning was a new day. I woke up. I did yoga. I cleaned. I talked to my dad.

It still hurts when I think about it, but I know it won't crush me.

(Thanks to Alicia Solario for the photo.)

Day 25: Up In Smoke

2008-12-11T22:42:00.000-08:00

I was going to quit smoking today, but then I checked the joint bank account that I share with the eventually-to-be-ex for our joint bills which only has $43 in it and I freaked!

I kept thinking "Why is this happening to me?" "What did I do to deserve this?" "Why does everything have to be a challenge?"

But maybe that's the point. Maybe I was seeing the situation all wrong. Instead of thinking "I can't handle this" maybe I should have been thinking "Thanks for this opportunity to grow and really see what I can handle."

(Photo by Vivek Chugh. Thanks!)

Day 24: Wishful Thinking

2008-12-10T21:34:00.000-08:00

I spent much of my life thinking it would magically be better if I were dating someone or married. Actually, that I would be better. I thought the magic lover would cure me of my imperfections. I thought that kind of love would transform me -- make me beautiful, graceful, rich, smart, creative....

But when I was with G I spent the majority of the time thinking it would get better when if I were single.

Turns out I'm stuck with my imperfections either way.

(Thanks to Stephen Wall for the photo.)

Day 23: Scheduling

2008-12-09T21:03:00.000-08:00

I'm really enjoying the new morning routine with yoga and meditation, but I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with all I "have" to do in a day. Here's what a typical day looks like for me:

6:00 am - Wake up
6:15 am - Do yoga for 20-25 minutes
6:45 am - Meditate for 15 minutes
7:00 am - Feed Tater
7:05 am - Prepare food for the day
7:10 am - Make sure Tater goes to the bathroom
7:15 am - Pick out clothes for the day and iron if needed
7:20 am - Shower and get ready
7:45 am - Leave for work
8:30 am - Work
11:30 am - Lunch
12:30 pm - Back to work
5:30 pm - Go home
6:30 pm - Play with or walk Tater
7:00 pm - Make Dinner
7:30 pm - Eat & Watch TV
8:30 pm - Read blogs
9:00 pm - Write blog
9:15 pm - Meditate
9:30 pm - Get ready for bed
9:45 pm - Read
10:00 pm - Sleep

(Thanks to Jade Colley for the image.)

Day 21: Phase 2

2008-12-07T22:45:00.000-08:00

I'm officially incorporating yoga into my practice as of today thanks to Baron Baptiste's 40 Days to Personal Revolution. I'm now committed to practicing every day and I'm actually really nervous. It will be best if I can do it in the morning, but this means I have to get up early enough.

This first week's practice is only 20 minutes a day, but the length of practice will increase over the next six weeks to 90 minutes. That means I would need two hours just to practice yoga and mediation before I go to work. I leave at 7:30 am so I'm going to have to get up at 4:30 am to have time to practice and get ready. I'm not sure I can do it, but I need to try.

Day 19 & 20: Letting Loose

2008-12-06T22:33:00.000-08:00

(Photo by Dominic Morel)

On the way to the Lowbrow after work Friday, I accidentally invited an attractive stranger to come with us. Fortunately, he had other plans so he didn't stay with our group for long, but one of my friends did convince me to give him my business card. Hopefully he won't contact me.

The thought of being in a relationship still makes me sick to my stomach, but it was nice to get some attention, though. I even managed to flirt with a cute pool player at Henry's!

I spent a lot of money and drank a lot, but all in all it was a good night. I even went to a strip club, Sassy's, for the first time. But the best part was that this morning I woke up feeling lighter and only slightly hung over. I wouldn't necessarily suggest drinking instead of meditation, but for some reason it seems as though it was, for once, the right thing for me to do.

Day 18: Breaking through the wall

2008-12-04T22:19:00.000-08:00

This afternoon, I hit a major slump. It was a pretty emotionally trying day for me dealing with frustrated subscribers, constant interruptions and some intense criticism.

By the time 3:30 rolled around, I had to take a break so I walked through the mall that is attached to my office building. As I walked I acknowledged that I was exhausted and emotionally overwhelmed and that this was intense, but it would pass.

And it did. I got back to my desk, drank a liter of water, cleared out my inbox and tackled my tasks. Then it was time to go and I realized I was feeling just fine and I hadn't succumbed to any of my vices. No cigarettes or ice cream or impulsive purchases.

Day 17: Indulgence is not self care

2008-12-03T21:24:00.000-08:00

It occurred to me as I was smoking a cigarette after work this afternoon and watching the sun set turn the clouds pink that I haven't been taking care of myself.

It probably seems crazy, but I think I've been deluding myself into thinking that by giving into my vices (eating comfort foods, smoking, drinking wine) I was supporting my distressed emotional self. But at that moment it hit me that those behaviors are not true self care.

This epiphany, however, did not stop me from drinking two glasses of red wine with dinner. Nor did it stop me from eating ice cream for dessert or smoking another cigarette later. (Did I mention I had a milk shake with lunch?)

(Image provided by Gravity X9)

So here is where it becomes tricky for me. I know that I need to change my behaviors in order to truly take care of myself in this stressful phase of my life, but that realization doesn't make the impulse to indulge go away.

From what I've been reading I don't think meditation will take it way either as I had originally hoped. But what I've read meditation can do is train me to wait out the impulses and then make better choices. This concept is both alluring and terrifying for me.

Day 16: Just Do It

2008-12-02T21:34:00.000-08:00

Today I really didn't want to practice and I've been struggling with what to write. I still haven't settled on anything other than "I did it anyway."

I managed to eek out 10 minutes of mindfulness practice this evening. I probably wouldn't have if I hadn't taken Tater for a walk and been awestruck by the starry night sky and I was wondering how I might use it as analogy on this blog.

I know that's totally cheesy, but as I was following the guided meditation practice when I got back to the house, the instructo explained that we should focus on the mind, which is like the sky, and to let the thoughts float by like the clouds.

It helped to have something to visualize while meditating tonight because my mind was so reluctant to practice.

Day 15: What Makes Us Valuable?

2008-12-01T20:37:00.000-08:00

As I was leaving work the other day the question "What makes us valuable?" popped into my head.

Is it our work? Our contribution to society? How we look? How we perceive ourselves? How many people love us? Our personalities?

When my mom was here over Thanksgiving this concept came up again. I mentioned to her that a friend I spent a lot of time with earlier this summer had stopped calling me. I admitted to being conflicted about this. On one hand sad about this because I had kinda hoped it would become more than a friendship some day, but on the other hand the thought of being with someone else makes me want to vomit.

She nailed it when she said that what I really wanted was someone to want to be with me to make me feel valuable.

As I left work today, this idea came up in my mind again. I realized that my insecurity was always there. Raw and desperate. Being with my ex only exasperated the intensity of my pain because he had a way of making me feel worthless. But he was only able to do this because it resonated with what I was already telling myself. Now, without the ex, I'm much better off without him demeaning me, but I won't be free until I learn how to stop belittling myself.

Day 14: At A Loss

2008-11-30T18:34:00.000-08:00

Strangely, while Tater and I were practicing a guided mediation from How Not to Be Afraid of Your Own Life my mind was a buzz, but now that I'm trying to think of what to blog I'm at a complete loss.

(Image provided by Dan Shirley.)

Day 13: A New Approach

2008-11-29T20:22:00.000-08:00

For the last couple of days, I've been taking a different approach to dealing with the stress of my divorce. Rather than ruminating about it and worrying about handling it perfectly, I've taken to deliberately forgetting about it for short periods of time.

For example, I woke up this morning with the awful thought that maybe the ex hasn't changed the locks after all. I remember vaguely that the lock was stiff because of some work we had done to realign the door. Maybe I just didn't try hard enough to turn the key. We tossed around the idea of trying it again, but I realized that would accomplish nothing positive so we stuck to the original plan: we went to Multnomah Falls.

Then we went and had amazing 30 minute massages at Beyond Bliss. Talk about letting it all go! That was probably the most therapeutic thing I've done since the separation.

Naturally, the issues of the divorce don't just go away because I stop thinking about them for a while. For instance, I still want to get the last of my stuff from the condo, but now I fear that I am completely at the mercy of the ex to make that happen and I hate it. I can't wait until I am fully out of his grasp. But right now I'm not sure how I should proceed in negotiating the release of my things. So I will wait until I do. This exemplifies the crux of the internal battle that has waged war in my soul during this process.

For me, one of the biggest challenges of this whole divorce process has been knowing when to stand up and fight and when to relax and let things unfold. This continues to be a mystery to me, but for now I intend to do as Baron Baptiste suggest "let go and let good." I'm going to trust that it will all work out in the right time and the right way and that I will be guided when and how to act. Hopefully, it will work out that way.

Day 12: Retail Therapy

2008-11-28T20:00:00.000-08:00

Today my mom and I had planned to go to my condo and get the last of my stuff from the ex's clutches, but it appears that when he sent me the following e-mail, "After further thought I am not okay with your plans to come to the condo while I am not around to remove articles from the house. I am not arguing with you about this", he really meant, "Don't bother coming over to get the last of your stuff like we discussed a couple of weeks ago. I changed the locks and you're not going to be able to get in."

My mom and I were both frustrated, but this latest play from the ex deck. We tossed around the idea of calling a locksmith, but that just sounded like too much work, so we -- like the rest of America -- soothed ourselves with some good old fashioned retail therapy.

(Thanks to Svilen Mushkatov for the image.)

Day 11: Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T19:57:00.001-08:00

Wishing us all many blessings to be thankful for today and in the years to come.

(Thanks to Bill Davenport for the image.)

Day 10: Balance

2008-11-25T21:31:00.001-08:00

This morning I did yoga instead of meditating. I have to say that, so far, though I find value in yoga, meditation and prayer, I really enjoy the mental after effects that come from practices yoga. It calms my buzzing brain and heightens my awareness.

One of the poses in my routine this morning was tree pose. Normally, this is an easy pose for me, but this morning I found myself wobbly, searching for balance.

Actually, this is something I've been searching for for a long time.

(Thanks to Michael Lorenzo for the image.)

Day 9: Cheating

2008-11-25T21:29:00.000-08:00

It occurs to me that I've been cheating over the last few days.

After I started mediation last week, I quickly became frustrated with the concept of letting go of my thoughts. I wanted to make sure that they went to good use so I turned to prayer. I think I believed like it was a way to control the outcome of my thoughts.

But according to How Not to Be Afraid of Your Life letting go of my thoughts is the point.

(Thanks to Felipe (Aladim) Hadler for the picture.)

Day 8; Chaos

2008-11-24T22:13:00.000-08:00

I woke up late this morning and didn't have time to meditate. So, I picked a mantra to focus on periodically throughout the day. By the end of the work day, I was a wreck. I was fighting back tears and my mind was swirling.

(Image provided by Robert Kossakowski.)

By the time that I got home I had started to calm down enough to go for a walk, make dinner and watch True Blood, but after it ended the flood of thoughts was back. So I locked myself in my room and prayed and mediated on my breathing. I feel much more relaxed, but not completely free.

For tips on calming the chaotic mind see: http://thinksimplenow.com/productivity/how-to-organize-mental-clutter/.

Day 7: No Longer Enemies

2008-11-23T18:46:00.000-08:00

Tater and I often walk around the short trail in the small park next to our house in the morning. To the right there are two fields one with horses and one with llamas. To the left there is a "compound" with a rottweiler and a bulldog.

When we walk by the dogs Tater goes ballistic, pulling at his leash, barking and yelping. I hate it because he usually ends up choking himself. I've tried bribing him to sit calmly in front of the dogs with treats, but he would just get anxious as soon as we started to move again. I've tried letting him meet the dogs but he just tried to fight them through the fence. I've tried walking with a squeaky toy to distract him, but he ignored it.

So this morning I decided to try something new. I prayed that God would let there be peace between the dogs. Testing the effect of my prayer, I let Tater approach the two dogs who stood waiting anxiously behind the fence.

At first their hackles were raised and they were growling and barking, but then dogs started running back and forth along the fence. After a few moments of this, I let Tater off the leash and the dogs played and ran back and forth for at least a half an hour. I haven't seen Tater have that much fun in a long time. He actually wore the rottweiler out, but he still didn't want to leave.

Now all I have to figure out is how to get Tater to walk by the dogs without wanting to play all the time!

Day 6 post 2: Reputation

2008-11-22T20:30:00.000-08:00

I think God is calling me to go to church, but I'm afraid to go alone and I'm afraid to tell my roommate where I'm going. Plus, I'm not sure where to go.

I found myself talking to God about this today and asking him how I can be a christian and still be cool. (I've always been afraid that believing and obeying God will result in me becoming a total dweeb.) I had to laugh when he gently reminded me that I've never been cool!

(Thanks to Miguel Saavedra for the image.)

Day 6: Challenge

2008-11-22T19:40:00.000-08:00

Practicing today was more difficult than I anticipated. I woke up lazily, started reading some verses on prosperity, meditated and prayed. I anticipated having the entire day to stay in my room and practice, but before I knew it I was up and attending to things: Tater needed to go potty, the dishes had to be done, the roommate wanted waffles, I had to go to the library. By the time I got back I was exhausted so I took a nap. When I woke it was time to make cookies. Then I got sucked into How to Lose Friends and Alienate People. When the movie ended I took Tater for a short walk and then made dinner and then my mom called. Whew!

(Thanks to Alison Oxley for the image.)

Day 5: Remorse

2008-11-21T22:35:00.000-08:00

I received the following text today from my soon to be ex-husband "Lawyer said the papers should be ready soon." This means that we should be getting close to finalizing the divorce. I should be happy. This is what I've been saying I wanted for months. But I'm not happy. I'm sad that our marriage failed.

I'm sorry for all the awful things I said and did to him. I'm sorry I married him. I'm sorry I hurt my friend by dating him, her ex-boyfriend. I'm sorry I let him treat me so poorly. I'm sorry that my parents paid thousands of dollars for a wedding we all knew was doomed. I'm sorry I didn't trust God, didn't run to God, didn't ask God for guidance and wisdom and love.

I wonder how differently this would have all turned out if I had. I wonder how my future will be different if I do.

Day 4: Prayer

2008-11-20T21:47:00.000-08:00

I learned to pray in Sweden. I would steal away from the rest of the Bible school students and hide in the bathroom, the closet or somewhere in the woods and write to God in my journal. But when M left it broke my heart and I stopped talking to God.

That was 10 years ago. I've attempted to pray on a few occasions since then, but I haven't felt like I was actually talking to God again until this morning.

I thought I could get away with just meditating, but it felt like there was something missing, so I decided to pray.

To help me get back into the groove I'm listening to The Power of Simple Prayer by Joyce Meyer. There are parts of the audio book that are a bit over the top for me--spiritual warfare particularly--but I can relate to the basic concept of being friends with God and I'm looking to developing that relationship over the next month and a half.

Day 3: Choose Your Own Adventure

2008-11-19T20:06:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid I used to love getting strep throat and I got it a lot. I loved it because it meant going to the doctor and getting the yummy banana flavored medicine and it meant that I got to read the choose your own adventure books in the crowded waiting rooms. Fortunately the wait was usually long enough for me to follow almost every scenario before seeing the doctor.

Today, it occurred to me that real life is a lot like a choose your own adventure book. It's a series of choices from "What should I wear to work today?" to "Who should I marry?"

I find this concept both comforting and overwhelming because it implies that I have some control, but what if I make the wrong decision. But it's not really about making the right or wrong choice. Is it? It's about understanding that different choices have different outcomes. This is true in the realm of the mind as well.

As I sat down to meditate this morning I created an intention to dwell on something positive and I realized that I can choose my own thoughts and what I choose to ruminate on will affect the quality of my mental life. Then I realized that I have been making myself miserable by dwelling on the negative.

This concept was driven home for me while I listened to Julie Moraga speak about Emotional Intelligence at a workshop this afternoon presented by the Oregon Columbia International Association of Business Communicators. A few minutes into her presentation she said "It's your choice. You choose how you're going to feel."

Naturally, in order to do this she said you must be aware of what you're thinking and you must be willing to pause and replace your thoughts with more useful ones. Herein lies the challenge, but that is one of the reasons I've decided to meditate every day for the next month and a half.

I know I'm not really supposed to have any expectations, but I do anyway. I'm really hoping that this practice will help me become more aware of what's going on in my mind so that I can begin to consciously choose more fruitful adventures in the future.

If that doesn't work, maybe I'll at least make my mind a more pleasant place to wait while I watch the adventures of my life play themselves out.

Oscar Wilde Got It

2008-11-19T06:28:00.000-08:00

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, there passions a quotation." --Oscar Wilde, De Profundis, 1905

Day 2: Just Got To Be Me

2008-11-18T20:08:00.000-08:00

In high school, I had a poster of four penguins hanging on my wall. Three of the penguins looked exactly the same in their black and white garb, but one had on a bright pink scarf with purple polka dots. Underneath the penguins were the words "Just Got To Be Me."

And that is what I am setting out to do with this new habit of meditation practice. According to Shunryu Suzuki suggests in Zen Mind, Beginners Mind I'm on the right track. He says the point of practicing zazen is not necessarily to reach enlightenment, because not everyone does. Rather the point of practicing is to connect with our true nature, our true selves and that is what I seek -- to get to know my true self.

I've spent my whole life comparing myself to others and trying to make myself into a mold that will come out on top to no avail and I'm exhausted from my futile effort. Now it's time to finally do as my old poster suggests.

So, this morning I woke up early and this time I skipped the coffee and went straight to the pillow. This was good because it didn't disturb Tater and he slept through most of my meditation. One less distraction!

Despite this, my meditation session was still fraught with noisy thoughts and sore muscles. So afterward I followed a morning flow practice from yogadownload.com. The back bends and shoulder stand left me feeling a little more relaxed and limber.

Unfortunately, the rest of the day was uneasy emotionally. Most likely because I was tired from staying up late last night watching The Starter Wife and getting up early to meditate. I even gave in and bought a pack of cigarettes this afternoon.

I know it's only been two days, but I had hoped to be transformed into my true "pristine" self by now. But maybe that's not the point. Maybe the point is to meet myself where I am and to observe what I do and why with compassion and curiosity. Like observing an animal in their natural habitat. For now, that is the tactic I will employ.

Day 1: Observe Yourself

2008-11-17T22:16:00.000-08:00

I was so excited to get up and meditate this morning that I kept waking up during the middle of the night thinking I'd missed my alarm.

However, the meditation itself was far from enlightening. My mind was incredibly busy for just waking up. I tried focusing on my breath, but my internal chaos wasn't the only distraction I had to battle. There were plenty of external stimuli to keep my mind busy. For instance, my back was sore, the cup of coffee next to me kept taunting me and Tater kept scratching at the door.

But listening to Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind I remembered what I had read before: It's not necessarily about having a clear mind. It's about observing your mind and getting to know yourself. And that is what this is all about: getting to know myself.

Meditation

2008-11-16T19:23:00.000-08:00

I finished listening to Eat, Pray, Love as I was driving into the parking garage at work. This cathartic book tapped the emotional pain I've been stuffing and instigated the release I've been needing and it couldn't have come at a better time. It was like her words translated the moans of my soul.

Of course she's beautiful and she falls in love at the end of the book, which is a little annoying, but I really resonated with the search for spiritual balance. In fact, this was solidified by a vision I had after practicing a heart opening yoga pose on Saturday morning.

After coming out of camel pose, I saw myself walking up the hill behind the Bible school in Sweden. The sun shown high in the sky on the rock walled cow pastures as I crested the hill. I was alone and I was smiling. At that moment it hit me. I missed communing with God and myself as I had in Sweden and it was time to finally figure out how to get that communion back in the real world.

So I'm embarking on a spiritual quest starting tomorrow. I'm going to sit for 30 minutes a day until January 1. I'm also listening to a variety of audio books on meditation and prayer to help me figure out what methods resonate with me. I'm looking forward to this new journey.

I pulled out my shall from the wedding and covered one of my meditation pillows and stuck it up against the wall to make it more inviting. I intend to go straight there from bed in the morning. I also intend to do yoga a few times a week and to walk almost every day.

I plan to chronicle my experience here each day.

This Weekend

2008-11-16T19:11:00.000-08:00

For an uneventful weekend, a lot happened:
1) I learned that my parents are dating again. (They divorced approximately 3 years ago.)
2) Tater turned 3.
3) The ex informed me that he doesn't think he'll be able to refinance the condo and that we'll probably have to sell.
4) I managed to make it through my first phone conversation with him sans cigarette before, during or after since we split last may. (Boy do I wish I had one now.)

Are you my lover?

2008-11-12T20:59:00.000-08:00

Lately, I remind myself of the little bird in Dr. Suess' Are You My Mother?

Only instead of looking for my mom - I'm fortunate to have a fantastic mom who's always there for me when I need her - I seem to be asking "Are you my lover?" to just about every relatively attractive man I encounter. (In my head of course.)

This surprises me because I was recently reminded that I'm better off without a man at this stage in my life. In fact, I was so overwhelmed with gratitude the other day for my divorce because it's the impetus I've needed to finally pursue my writing.

But I'm so new to this writing stuff. And I'm still trying to figure out who I am. A partner would most likely just get in the way of this process because at this point in the game I'm still apt to give away my whole self to try and keep that someone interested.

So I'm not sure why I seem to be "on the hunt" when what I really want is to solidify my independence before I get involved with someone else. Hopefully, at that time when I'm finally ready to be myself and be in a relationship, I'll be able to find someone amazing!

Until that time, I guess I'll just have to appreciate potential suiters from a far and be thankful that my heart is not completely petrified.

My Other Favorite Thing From Today: Country Music

2008-11-11T21:45:00.000-08:00

I was just befriended by Jayson Rettig on Facebook. I went to middle school with him and it turns out his a very talented musician. Check out his MySpace page to listen to his soul stirring songs.

I Never Thought I'd love a Show About Vampires, but I Do

2008-11-11T21:25:00.000-08:00

Tonight we watched the latest episode of True Blood, a new show on HBO about the south where some vampires are trying to assimilate into main stream society because there's now synthetic blood that they can drink instead of humans.

It's based on The Southern Vampire Series with Sookie Stackhouse. There are werewolves, shape shifters and exorcisms. Oh my! It's gruesome and sexy. I'm riveted by each episode and find myself longing for the next one almost immediately. If you don't get HBO download it from the Internet or get the DVDs as soon as they come out.

My roommate just ordered the first two books in the series. I can't wait to read them when he's done.

My Newest Crush

2008-11-10T20:12:00.000-08:00

I went to Wordstock on Sunday. It was incredible! Five dollars for a whole day of soaking in the musings of some of the most talented authors from both in and out of town.

I was so high from the experience, I was falling in love with everyone, from the AV guys at the stages to the authors themselves. That guy who wrote House of Sand and Fog is totally the hot professor that all his females students would want to do, but truth be told it was the gay guy who really stole my heart!

Marc Acito read a chapter from his new book Attack of the Theater People and it was funny and poignant in a natural way. Not like those works that seem like the author was trying so hard and you have to work with them as you read it or listen to it in order to really enjoy the piece.

I was truly inspired by him. I would now like to write funny, cynical chic lit. I'm finally willing to admit it: I love chic lit. I've been known to love real lit to, but my heart has always gravitated toward chic lit. Who didn't love Bridget Jones' Diary, Dirty Girls Social Club and Sex and the City.

However, during this torturous process called divorce, I find that your traditional chic lit just doesn't do it for me. It's too hopeful. So I want to write things that reach those of us who have been burned by love, but I'm tired of self-help and depressing, so I want it to be funny.

Now I just have to learn how to make people laugh on paper.

P.S. Congrats to Marc who's blog was voted as one of the best 50 chick lit blogs.

I'm One of Them

2008-10-05T21:30:00.000-07:00

When G and I first separated I felt strong and confident and lost a lot of weight effortlessly, but over the last two or three months my weight has started creeping back up.

According to Shrink Yourself, a book about overcoming emotional eating, it's because I've been believing that I'm powerless to deal with my feelings. You might be thinking that I'm finally mourning the loss of my marriage, but I'm actually still really glad I made that decision.

What overwhelms me is that I'm "one of them", one of those people who got a subprime mortgage and racked up credit card debt.

We bough0t the condo at the peak of the market. I'm not sure what it's worth now exactly, still waiting to hear back on the appraisal, but I'm sure it's at least $20k less than what we paid for it.

I'm so embarrassed by my decisions and I'm so scared that I'm not going to be able to make ends meet. I know I can't expect prince charming to save me from my financial mistakes. In fact, I'm afraid that no guy in his right mind will want to date me seriously with the debt I have.

Girls Night

2008-10-04T19:24:00.000-07:00

I just came across this new movie coming coming out next month will all my favorite actresses and the best premise ever:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1001508/

Happy Birthday to me! (It comes out in February.)

Open to Love

2008-10-04T18:57:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to a new audio book called Looking Beyond the Mirror which is all about overcoming insecurity and learning to value yourself. This isn't an easy concept for me to digest because I've never held much esteem for myself.

From the time I was a small child I was afraid of asking my friends to play with me because they might say no and in high school I developed an eating disorder because I was afraid that no guy would love me unless I had a perfect body.

In general, I've given my love to men who were unsatisfying, dishonest and, overall, unworthy of my affections because I didn't think I was worthy of anyone's love, but I'm starting to realize this was faulty thinking on my part. These beliefs are deeply ingrained in my brain and led to my unfortunate marriage and now divorce, but I think I'm starting to open to the idea that they aren't true and that I can have a satisfying life and fulfilling relationships.

This idea is summed up nicely by the following quote from the book He's Just Not That Into You:

"...there is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful life as I can, so that it doesn't feel like I'm just waiting around for some guy to ask me out."

What I've learned is that I don't need a man to complete me or make me worthwhile. In fact, I don't need a man at all, except for my roommate who helps me afford my life by sharing the rent. But, I'm finally opening to the idea that someday I may come across a great man to share my life with and that could be really great.

I need a niche

2008-10-01T21:29:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what my niche should be. I'd like to go back to writing about what I'm reading and what I'm learning from it and how it relates to my life, but I also want to be able to incorporate Mr. Tater when appropriate.

Eating my budget

2008-09-14T21:27:00.000-07:00

I think worrying about my financial situation has lead to my recent weight regain.

When I first instigated the divorce I felt like it was such a positive change that I deliberately didn't worry about money and spoiled myself with visits to my parents, getting my hair done, buying some new dresses for work, etc.

But it's been 4.5 months now that I've been paying rent and paying for half of my "marital expenses" and I'm out of money, I'm binging like I did when I got out of the eating disorder clinic.

I had to tell the lawyer that I can't keep paying for half of everything. My mom is offering to pay for me to fly home for Christmas. My dad is coming to visit this weekend and will be paying for everything. I'm almost 30 and my finances are worse than when I was in college. It's embarrassing.

I was contemplating ways to increase my income such as--getting a second job, getting a similar job that pays me more, something magical like developing the content of this blog into something advertisers will pay for--when the soon to be ex husband texted me to see if we could discuss the house.

After talking, this is what I gleaned: he wants to refinance the house, but can only get financed for 95% of the appraised value. This means that assuming the condo was appraised at $150,000 (keep in mind that we bought the condo for $159,900 a little over two years ago and due to "improvements" it requires repairs to the flooring) he could get $137,500 so I would have to cover the $22,000 difference. I told him I would talk to the bank, but now that I've had some time to think about it, I'm not sure that it's a good idea for me.

Without the debt from the house, I'll be walking away with almost $40,000 in debt. I don't think I can take on another $20K.

All this has been eating me up inside and I've been afraid to be honest about it. I think I've been overeating to avoid the discomfort.

"The ex" also mentioned a second option: that I file a quit claim deed on the condo and we keep the mortgage in place for now. I'm not comfortable with losing all of my rights to the house, but still retaining my responsibility on the mortgage. However, it sounds like he might be open to taking over the mortgage payments as they are without the quit claim deed until he can refinance, but would that be smart?

I think I'll sleep on it for now and hopefully get some good advice from the lawyer and financial advisor this week. In the mean time, maybe now that I've publicized the situation I can stop hiding it with food.

Jumping off the Diving Board

2008-07-15T05:45:00.000-07:00

Recently, I visited a friend in Salt Lake City, Utah who got remarried. We all went to a water park near her house for one of the days. We played on the slides and in the kiddie pool and soaked up as much sun as we could get.

And then I saw it. The diving board. I hadn't been on a diving board in years. It was calling me. I resisted at first, but then finally gave in.

As I nervously stood in line I tried to visualize what I would do for a dismount. I decided on a jacknife. It seemed the most simple and safe option.

I thought deciding to approach the diving board alone, with my friend's whole family watching me was hard, but when I got on top of the board my stomach sank. I wanted to turn and run. It was much higher up than I had anticipated, but I went ahead and followed through with my jump. It was exhilerating! I was tempted to do it again, but decided to wait for another time.

Similarly, getting a divorce wasn't an easy decision for me. It's taken me years to get to this point.

I tried to keep the disorder of my relationship a secret for as long as I could from most of the world. I was embarrassed and didn't want to admit that I had made a mistake. I didn't want people to know what a mess I had become either. So doing this now, with everyone I know watching is a lot like making my decision to jump off the diving board.

I feel as though I'm walking the plank. House hunting has brought the reality of my decision to light and it's scary. Sometimes I think, maybe I can turn back, but I know I can't. I've got to go forward and jump. All I can hope is that I make a big beautiful splash and I don't injure myself or anyone else in the process.

Coming Back From California

2008-03-06T19:24:00.000-08:00

I just got back from a fantastic conference in Laguna Beach, California at the Surf and Sand Resort. I highly recommend the location. The weather was beautiful, the people were total Californians, the view was fantastic, the beach was perfect, the waves were so loud that they gave us earplugs to sleep at night and the marine life was captivating (Kurt saw dolphins swimming off shore and I saw crabs running across the beach at night clapping their claws in the air). But that wasn't the best part.

What was really great was that I was able to meet a group of people who do what I do. I'm a communications manager, which isn't unusual. What's unusual is the type of corporation I work for: a multiple listing service. It's a niche industry. I've attended a variety of communications and real estate conferences to get more ideas on how to better approach my job, but nothing has been so beneficial as this conference! It was great to see how we were on the right track, but that there was plenty of room to grow. I won't bore you with everything that I took away, but the one thing that I came away with that I think everyone can benefit from, even if they don't work for an MLS is that no matter what you do, there is no reason you can't do it to the highest quality withing your ability. This was best summed up by the Fast Company magazine I picked up in the airport on my way home. In their article about the "The World's 50 Most Innovative Companies" the focused on Google who approaches their business with the following questions at the forefront of their collective mind:"Are we taking advantage of what we've got here? Are we doing enough? Are we doing everything we can?"

Getting Back in the Habit

2008-02-28T19:26:00.000-08:00

This year is the year of "self education". It occured to me that I've just been waiting for wisdom to just smack me upside the head and it wasn't really happening. So I've taken matters into my own hands. I'm renting audio books from the library and listening to them while I drive.

Sometimes there are nuggets of wisdom and I want to be able to remember them. While I take cryptic notes on a pink steno pad when I'm stuck in traffic, I'm afraid it's not really going to sink in. So I'm going to blog about what I learn and hopefully that will ingrain it in my brain. If anyone happens to read this, hopefully what I learn can be of use to you too.

What I'm currently listening to:
Getting Things Done by David Allen

What I've listened to:
The Art of Exceptional Living by Jim Rohn
Light on Life by B.K.S. Iyengar

What I learned today:
Stop procrastinating when it comes to making decisions. If a project or task comes in, don't avoid it. Make a decision as to what the next action is and if it will take less than two minutes do it. If not, decide how you will address it and when.

Tater Goes Sledding

2008-01-07T21:17:00.000-08:00

Tater and I took a trip to Idaho after Christmas and it was covered in snow. But it didn't stop there. It kept snowing and snowing.

Tater wasn't quite sure what to make of it, so I dressed him in his snow gear and stuck him on a sled.

He didn't stay long enough to go down the hill with my dad or I. He did like running down after the hill after us. A lot!

Tater wasn't the only one that had fun. I got to see Adara and Amber who I hadn't seen in over 2 years and I got to visit my parents and some of their friends.

It was the first time I've hung out with my parents together since the divorce. That was interesting. It actually seemed kinda nice for all of us, but my parents are good fakers so who knows what they really thought about it.

Lastly, I got to see my Grandma and my uncle. I have nothing in common with them and I don't know how to talk to them, but it's still nice to see them because they're family.

The Picture Fun Continues At Home

2007-12-10T19:46:00.000-08:00

Getting your picture taken is hard work.

No. I'm not a grinch.

Happy Holidays?

Who me? Look at Bailey. Isn't she a cute elf?

Tater & Bailey Get their Picture Taken With Santa

2007-12-10T19:40:00.000-08:00

Edison, Tiffany and Ethan went with us. Lucy stayed in the car shaking in terror.

Aren't I the cuteste Santa ever? Be nice or I'll bring you coal.

Reindeer are fast and skinny like Bailey.

Tater's 2nd Birthday

2007-11-15T23:22:00.000-08:00

"It's my birthday so I get to make the rules."

"Do I really have to wear this hat?"

"Does this smell funny to you?"

"I prefer chocolate!"

Tater & Bailey At Day Care on Tater's Birthday

2007-11-15T23:14:00.000-08:00

Here he his playing one of his favorite games, chew Bailey's neck.

His second favorite game is chase the Tater.

Did I mention he likes to wrestle?

Oh My Goodness, it's Been a While! I've been busy on Facebook.com

2007-10-28T16:41:00.000-07:00

I can't remember all the firsts I've had since I've posted in July, but here's a few:
1) I ran 18.6 miles for the first time in my life and decided that I didn't really like it that much! 2) I created my first Myspace and Facebook profiles. (I prefer Facebook. I'm addicted right now.)
3) I watched my first full episode of Heroes.
4) I got my first award at work!
5) I stayed overnight in the Gorge for the first time.
7) I donated a car to charity for the first time.
8) I went to my first high school reunion and survived.
9) I learned that my best friend had cancer.
10) I went into the haunted corn maize with my coworkers for the first time.

Are You Still Contagious?

2007-07-07T10:47:00.000-07:00

Thursday morning, I noticed that G had a series of red scabby bumps on his left shin.

"What happened?" I exclaimed.

"I don't know," said G. "I think I got bit by some bugs when I was chasing Tater through the bushes at the park the other day."

"Weird," I shrugged. He put some hydrocortizone cream on his leg and went to work.

That night when we got home and he was changing into shorts and a T-shirt, he noticed that the bumps had spread to another spot. Now they were also showing up behind his right knee. This seemed odd to both of us so we dropped everything and when to Willamette Falls Immediate Care where we waited for two and a half hours for them to tell G to use bactine and hydrocortizone creams.

"Will that treat poison oak if that's what I have?" G asked.

"Uh, sure," the Doctor shrugged.

So we went home and he reapplied the hydrocortisone and added some Bactine to the mix and we went to bed in separate places, just in case whatever he has was contagious. The next morning we noticed that the existing spots looked just as irritated as before and that they had multiplied to new areas during the night. Puzzled, he reapplied the creams and we went to work.

During the day, we both did our own research and came to the same conclusion. G probably got into some poison oak or poison ivy. Confident in our self diagnosis, we went to REI for some relief. We collected one of every kind of poison oak/ivy soap and cream they had available. Then we went home and washed the dogs and all the laundry and G. He applied a poison oak/ivy specific gel and headed out to dinner. This morning some of his rash seems to be healing and other parts seem to be spreading so we're not sure what our next step should be. For now we'll try to keep him covered up and cool so it doesn't spread anymore. Whatever we do, I hope it keeps me from getting it!

First Sobriety Test

2007-07-07T10:15:00.000-07:00

We've been having issues with the tail lights on our Jetta for quite some time now. They randomly go out for no reason. G will jiggle the wires back there and they'll usually come back on. However, it usually requires someone telling us that it's out and the last couple of times it's been the West Linn Police who have informed us.

Last night was our second experience with this. I happened to be driving. We had gone to sushi in Tualatin and then went across the street for cocktails at Hayden's Lakefront Grill. They happened to have some really great live music in the bar so we stayed and ordered a couple specialty cocktails. G had a couple of the cucumber martinis with cilantro, cucumbers and Rogue's Spruce Gin. (He ordered the second one with less cucumber for some reason.) I had the Pear Cosmopolitan with pear brandy, melon liqueur and white grape juice. It was delicious but strong so i just sipped it while we chatted and listened to the music for about an hour and a half.

On the way home, I slowed down to look at another restaurant we've been talking about visiting and that's when I noticed that there was a car on my back bumper. I started to resume the speed limit and that's when the blue lights began to flash. I was so nervous, I shifted into reverse when I brought the car to a stop. (Did I mention that our tags had expired? Fortunately G had gone to DEQ the day before to renew the registration, but the tags were still in the glove compartment.)

I handed over my license, registration and insurance information and that's when he asked me how much I'd had to drink. I told him I'd had one martini. He then asked how much G had guzzled. G mentioned that he'd had two martinis at home and then two more at the bar. That's when the police officer asked me to step out of the car so he could talk to me away from Gabe to see if I was really the one who reeked of alcohol. Next he asked me if he could check my eyes since I said I'd been drinking. I agreed.

This was the weirdest test ever. It was like being at the eye doctor, but I was standing out on the street. with this cop and the backup he had called in with my knees knocking together. So for a couple of minutes he proceeded to move his laser light back and forth and up and down while getting really close and staring into my eyes while I tried to follow it without moving my head. At one point I got so distracted by his face being so close to mine, I couldn't help but take my eyes off the light.

He let me go with a warning. It took me at least 10 minutes to stop the violent shaking that ensued after he let me go. Let me tell you, it's not easy to drive in that condition.

Now we're trying to decide if we should by a new car or just get the Jetta's electrical problem fixed. We can't afford to keep getting pulled over for the disappearing tail light. Eventually it's going to cost us.

Helvetia Half Marathon

2007-06-17T21:28:00.000-07:00

I finished my first half marathon (13.1 miles) on Saturday, June 9 in 2 hours and 17 minutes and 8 seconds, which translates into 10:28 a mile. While I'm no Speedy Gonzalez, that pace was 1 minute per mile less than I normally run so I was pleased with that. (I hope to have a picture soon.) The PDX marathon is coming up on Sunday, Oct 7. Thanks to Portland Fit and their training program I should be ready!

New Laminate Flooring

2007-06-17T20:46:00.000-07:00

Sheesh! It's been a long time since I've posted anything. I'm sure there have been lots of first between now and then, but here's a big one: we just tore out the carpet in our condo and put in laminate flooring.

The first two rows were the learning curve, but once we got it down it went pretty quickly. We're not quite done yet, but the main part of the room is. Next, we need to get some molding to go around the base of the walls.

Once we're done with the living room we're on to the bathroom. Due to some dripping under the bathroom sink, it smells kinda funny in there. Plus we want to replace the flooring in there with slate tile and Gabe wants to put in a new cabinet, sink and mirror. I also vote for some shelving and a new toilet seat!

Tater's First Birthday

2006-12-17T14:00:00.000-08:00

We had a party for Tater's first birthday today at Lexi Dog Boutique on Macadam.

Some 0f his closest friends showed up to help us celebrate!

They went bobbing for hot dogs.

And Bailey busted open the Snowman pinata so that everyone could eat the treats inside.

Later they went hunting for pupcakes and played some more. Thanks to everyone who came and helped us have a great day! Hope your doggies are as tired out as ours are :)

Christmas Spirit for a First Timer

2006-12-11T20:38:00.000-08:00

G is not really into Christmas trees, but I think it may be the most magical part of the holiday. There is something truly special about going to the lot on Wankers Corner and picking out the "one", cutting it down yourself, stuffing it into your car, taking it home, and getting it to stand up straight. G let me do it all myself this year.

I also love adding the twinkly lights, especially white ones because I think the add such warmth at this cold and dark time of the year. (Ugh! I hate the cold and the dark. So I really look forward to all the holiday decorations that brighten up the world for a few weeks.)

But my most favorite part is pulling out the box of ornaments from the garage, opening it up and unwrapping each one individually letting my memory take me back to the story behind each one. There's Jack from Cinderella, with his little whiskers and orange jacket, which I got from a McDonald's Happy Meal. I had really wanted Gus. Then there's the gold and red candy cane with my name engrave in it that my mom got for me in 5th grade. That was the beginning of the traditional annual ornament. I even still have the tea pot that says "Friendship is a special gift" that I got from Evie in 6th grade. There's Gabe's blown glass icicles that he insisted on buying a couple of years ago. But the one that really gets to me is the ceramic totem pole of teddy bears that my dad and mom carried with them to Paris in 1999. Each one marks a special stage in my life and it's fun to remember them and all the people who touched those steps along the way.

I Set it Up and I Made it Secure!

2006-12-07T16:32:00.000-08:00

I acutally set up my wireless router last night! By myself. And that's not all! I even made it secure. Using WEP keys. The router didn't come with directions to do this, or at least I couldn't find them so I did a google search and got the instructions off the internet. I had to modify them a little bit to make it work for me, but I got it to work. Yahoo!

Wireless Router

2006-12-05T09:08:00.000-08:00

I purchased my first wireless router yesterday! I'm becoming so high tech! It was a bit intimidating. Who knew there were so many kinds, but the guy at Radio Shack said it would work and my friend Johnny said that it was a good brand so we'll see. I have to hook it up now so I can use it at home.

Next, we want to get rid of our old desktop computer, but that requires saving all of our files to CD. A daunting task. I'd better get started!

It's Been Months

2006-11-30T15:26:00.000-08:00

Most of you have probably given up on me. I'm sorry. I just got a new laptop with wireless and I can now blog from anywhere, so I'm back!

HTML Class

2006-08-23T17:00:00.000-07:00

I started an online HTML class through PCC last week. Today we wrote our second simple web page using Notepad and HTML.

I never would have thought I'd be doing this! It's intimidating, but most of the stuff we've talked about so far I'm pretty comfortable with. I'm so used to being able to see what my creations look like as I make them, but this is so much different. You can try to imagine what the web page will look like as you type simple black code on a white screen, but it's hard for me to do right now. I find myself getting antsy, waiting to test my page in the browser window to see how the combinations work together.

Complaining Is the Best Conversation Starter

2006-08-15T08:08:00.000-07:00

Have you ever gotten together with your girlfriends for a cocktail or a pedicure and before you know it you're all "venting." I find myself leaving these situations more depleted than when I went in and wondering "Am I really so pessimistic that I can only talk to her about the bad things?" Apparently I'm not alone.

According to Robin Kowalski, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Clemson University, in a recent article on MSN.com "We use complaints as icebreakers. We start a conversation with a negative observation because we know that will get us a bigger response than saying something positive would." The article goes on to say that women use complaining "in a ritualistical way, as a means of bonding."

As such it seems that constructive complaining is an essential life skill. Some rules for performing the ritual properly:

1) Be up-front about your need to complain (rather than try to pretend you're just having a regular conversation)
2) Limit your kvetch time
3) Don't act as though your gripes trump everyone else's
4) Select an appropriate listener

The article goes on to say, "Bad complainers are annoying at best, depressing at worst. They spread negativity and give griping a bad name. But if you really need to complain, go ahead. Because for most of us, behind the grousing is a basic human need: We're looking for connection."

Overweight Babies? I thought that was a good thing.

2006-08-15T08:03:00.000-07:00

According to a recent article on MSN.com the number of overweight babies has increase 74% since 1980. I was always told that being a chubby baby was a good thing and had no bearing on how much you would weigh as an adult. According to the article, it may actually lead to obesity in the future and all the related health problems. Yikes!

Mommy Wow! I'm a Big Kid Now...

2006-08-07T15:53:00.000-07:00

I learned how to do something technical by myself. What I mean by that is I didn't ask our help desk coordinator or our IT department. I did my own Google search and successfully found my own solution.

The problem: I wanted Photoshop CS2 to be my default photo viewer, because usually when I veiw a photo I also want to edit it. However, I had some other viewer opening all my images on both my home and work computers. Not any more!

Yay for me!

I Can't Believe It's Been a Month

2006-08-03T09:36:00.000-07:00

Summer time is soooooo busy, isn't it? Work is busy. Evenings are busy. Weekends are busy. I've been so busy, I've forgotten to read blogs let alone write my own.

Most of you know we just got back from a whirlwind trip to NYC a couple weeks ago. We had a good time. Saw a lot of the classics. (Pictures to follow.) I could shake the thought that I was supposed to be so excited and yet it was really just another city with another china town and another park and another metro system. Didn't really seem like the same thing I've seen in the movies. However, I did call my Mom as we stood outside Macy's on 34th street and Broadway. (I'm named after Natalie Wood who was the little girl in my mom's favorite movie Miracle on 34th Street.) And Times Square was pretty impressive. I got dizzy trying to look at everything.

Thanks again Paige and Ben for watching the doggies. We all appreciate it.

More About Love: A "New" Approach

2006-07-07T09:17:00.000-07:00

I'm always interested in new theories that claim to create stronger healthier romantic relationships when implemented, so I was immediately drawn to this article on MSN.com. The basic premise is "The old paradigm is 'Oh, look at our conflicts and what we’re disagreeing about.' With Big Picture Partnering, there’s a totally different mindset: 'We’re in this together. What are we going to do about this?'"

More Proof That The Middle Class Is Disappearing

2006-07-05T08:23:00.000-07:00

InmanNews published this article saying essentially that the middle class is on it's way out. In summation the article said, "'Suburban middle-income neighborhoods were replaced in roughly equal measure by low-income and very high-income neighborhoods,' the report states. In each of these 12 large metro areas, the share of middle-income neighborhoods shrank faster than the share of middle-income families from 1970 to 2000." Personally, I find this terrifying every time I read it.

Religious Right Republicans Ruining Faith

2006-06-26T09:29:00.000-07:00

Finally, someone from the religious world is saying it, "this Religious Right Republican movement I keep hearing about is not very Christian." Without further ado, I introduce the article from NPR.

Suburbia Linked to Obesity

2006-06-22T15:19:00.000-07:00

News flash: "Urban sprawl is a major health risk for Oregonians," according to the Daily Journal of Commerce (Portland, OR). People who live in wide spread suburbs are more likely to be overweight and get in car accidents than people who live in compact communities. While this may be simple "common sense" as C says, I think it's about time someone said it outloud. We need exercise. Obesity kills 1500 people in Oregon each year.

I've often marveled at all the traffic that commutes too and from Portland each day. I admit it. I commute 40 minutes one way each day by Max. However, this requires walking to and from my stops and often standing, which I feel is a little bit better for me. I've been wearing a pedometer off and on for a few months now and I find that days that I ride the Max to and from work I easily add 2,000 to my daily total.

If only we could all live in "walkable communities." That's one thing G and I miss from good old Forest Grove, walking everywhere. We used to walk to the bar, walk to school, walk to work, walk to the Laundromat. I weighed 30lbs less then. Go figure.

Doggies at Work

2006-06-22T15:06:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Take Your Dog to Work Day sponsored by Pet Sitters International. Unfortunately, I won't be able to bring either Tater or Bailey because the company that manages our office building won't allow it.

However, a recent article in The Daily Journal of Commerce (Portland, OR) says more and more companies are going pet-friendly. According to the American Pet Products Manufacturers Association, the article said, "millions of Americans believe pets on the job lower absenteeism and encourage workers to get along."

Further, many companies are finding that having a pet friendly corporation can be a big bargaining chip in a competitive job market. It referenced a survey Simply Hired and Dogster.com which stated that "a third of dog-owners would take a 5 percent pay cut to take their pets to work, two-thirds would work longer hours and half would switch jobs."

Sunshine

2006-06-07T08:33:00.000-07:00

G started his new job on Monday, which means he is now an office monkey like me and he works 8am to 5pm like the rest of us yahoos! Who ever thought normal would be so exciting?

I have to tell you, waking up with him in the morning and having him home when I get home is absolutely the best thing that's happened to me in a while.

I wanted to be a stronger more independent woman who didn't need a man, not even my husband to make me happy, but having him around is like a sunny day after the long rainy winter here in Oregon. And you know what? I'm ok with my new found co-dependency.

duplicity

2006-05-25T09:13:00.000-07:00

noun: acting in bad faith; deception by pretending to entertain one set of intentions while acting under the influence of another
noun: a fraudulent or duplicitous representation

Focus

2006-05-18T09:52:00.000-07:00

noun: maximum clarity or distinctness of an image rendered by an optical system (Example: "In focus")
noun: maximum clarity or distinctness of an idea (Example: "The controversy brought clearly into focus an important difference of opinion")
noun: the concentration of attention or energy on something (Example: "The focus of activity shifted to molecular biology")
noun: a fixed reference point on the concave side of a conic section
noun: a point of convergence of light (or other radiation) or a point from which it diverges
noun: a central point or locus of an infection in an organism (Example: "The focus of infection")
noun: special emphasis attached to something
verb: cause to converge on or toward a central point (Example: "Focus the light on this image")
verb: put (an image) into focus (Example: "Please focus the image")
verb: become focussed or come into focus (Example: "The light focused")
verb: direct one's attention on something (Example: "Please focus on your studies and not on your hobbies")
verb: bring into focus or alignment; to converge or cause to converge; of ideas or emotions

Forward Thinking

2006-05-09T16:56:00.000-07:00

When G messaged me today to tell me he was selling my golf clubs on Craigslist I felt a deep sense of loss. Albeit, we golfed once last summer. I was still mourning for the summer before when we golfed often. During that time we met some fun people. It was also a fun activity that helped us get to know some of our friends better. Plus they allowed us to drink beer and get exercise two of our favorite activities. What could be better?

However, golfing together was not always fun. Sometimes we get paired up with people we didn't want to know. Other times we were followed by a group of pushers that had no patience for the nine shots it takes for me to get to the green. Sometimes I found myself just plain frustrated because I had no patience for the nine shots it took for me to get to the green. So I declared that I wouldn't go again until I could take lessons. However, lessons never happened and therefore, golfing didn't happen for a long time.

Then I changed my tune. I started asking G to go with me, but he wasn't interested. However, I did finally get him to take me to the driving range where he recently helped me get my swing back. It was fantastic! By that time he had already made up his mind to sell our clubs though.

He's been on a crusade to sell everything in the garage that we don't use. The rock climbing shoes that never got to try their feat at Smith Rock. The tennis racquets that were only used once in the last two years at Gabriel Park. The charcoal BBQ that we used to use all the time until we ran out of charcoal and bought a George Foreman grill instead. All of these remind me of how it used to be or how it could have been. I've been having a hard time letting them go.

I've recently realized that I seem to be either stuck in the past longing for the way it was or floating in the future hoping for "better time." A walk with a good friend helped me realize that I aught to be living in the here and now. As Eoin Finn says in Power Yoga for Happiness "focusing my Gandhi laser there."

Now That's True Love (I Think)

2006-05-09T16:49:00.000-07:00

A nice little story about a couple in India that got married over the telephone. No it's not a joke. Click here for more.