To Take His Name, Or Not To Take His Name?

That is the question.

I remember when my friends B and T were getting married and he said "I wouldn't marry her if she wouldn't take my name." I thought this was the most barbaric and sexist thing I had ever heard come out of B's mouth. I was appalled and determined that I would never find myself in that situation. No man was worth putting up with that kind of disrespect. I saw changing your name as a way of surrender to the man and that sounded horrible to me.

Later after I got engaged and my mom and aunt were asking if I would change my name and I confessed that I didn't think so it was for entirely different reasons. I liked being a part of my family. I like my last name and I don't like the idea of becoming assimilated into his family which is a little cooky to be quite honest. My aunt put it best when she said, "you want to become Mrs. (My fiance's first name), not Mrs. (My fiance's family name)."

But as W-day approaches I find myself toying with the idea of doing it anyway. It's as though by not changing my name I feel like I'm not officially married. But the few times that I've mentioned it to the man he seems to think I should keep my own name. Partially because he knows how important my independence has been to me and partially because he's had a little financial trouble in the past and feared that my taking on his name would affect my credit history negatively. Not to mention that it can be an expensive and time consuming hassle.

While I've joked that not changing my name will make it easier "if we get divorced" I can't help but feel that not changing my name is a bit like riding the fence. Committed ambiguity.

Marriage Education

Being engaged and planning a wedding is a very interesting process. At least for me it has inspired arguements, passion and creativity. So much thought goes into what kind of cake to have or what dress to wear or what song to dance to, but in the end I can't help, but think none of this matters in the long haul. None of this determines the health or longevity of a marriage.

Many people believe that finding your soul mate is the key, but I am not convinced. Infact, I once read in the April 2004 issue of Psychology Today pyschologist argue that "there's no such thing as compatability." For many people this thought is horrifying. Many of us belive that "remaining in a marriage that doesn't make you blissfully happy is an act of existential cowardice." But in reality, the article says, "feelings of dissatisfaction or disappointemet are natural, but they can seem intolerable when standards are sky-high." If this is true what is the key to a sucessful marriage?

According to a series on NPR many pyschologists believe the marriage education may be the ticket to saving couples from divorce. According to the website for Smart Marriages, the coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples education, "successful couples have the same number of
disagreements as the couples who divorce. Even more interesting, all couples disagree about all the same basic issues - money, kids, sex, housework, in-laws and time. The difference between successful and unsuccessful couples is how they handle their differences."

Pyschologist John Gottman is so good at noticing the things couples do wrong, he can predict marriage stability with 94% accuracy. The four horsemen he says, or the "four key problems that lead to divorce are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. And the worst of these? Contempt for a partner." But in recognizing this are we doomed. Is there now hope?

That's where marriage education comes in. Preferably psychologists want to catch couples while they are still happy and to give the the necessary skills that they say poor and rich alike are lacking when it comes to dealing with our differences. Advoactes of Smart Marriages "agree on one thing: marriage is more than a simple piece of paper, it's an institution that needs to be preserved."

Many of you know, either from reading this blog or from knowing my fiance and I that we are not the perfect couple. And while we have come a long way in our relationship with regard to healthy communication it looks as though we still have a long ways to go. Perhaps it's time for us to invest not only into our wedding, but into our marriage as well.

The Invitations Have Been Sent

Wedding invitations have been posted. We've even had two RSVPs one "regretfully decline" and one "accept gladly" (or whatever it says). Unfortunately, the accept came with no name on the line or return address. All we know is that two people with mail going through Spokane, WA are planning to attend. Perhaps we should have written the names in for them. Hmm...

First Business Trip Ever

I stayed at the Laquinta in room 324, or was it 326. I made sure to tell my SO just incase of emergency because that is what you do on business trips. Right? We even had dinner on the company, complete with drinks. I feel like a real working girl now.

Is It Just Me Or Is The Escalator Going The Wrong Way?

Yes. Yes it is. I walked into my building this morning and went to get on the escalator to ride it to my suite, but something was very wrong. I stood there for quite some time puzzling over the fact that the escalator seemed to be coming at me. I think I even went to step on it, but stopped short, fortunately.

It felt so odd to ride up the other side. For a second I thought maybe I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed and this was the way we normally go to get to the office and I was a bit embarrassed with my foolishness.

However, apparently a couple of coworkers had been watching me struggle with the change in my routine and one of them was waiting at the door to raze me about it. LOL.

I'm happy to know that I'm getting into a routine. I'm not very good at establishing them, but I feel much better when I have one. Yay!

Blind Man & Jesus Man

Today was the second time in a week that I had to give up my seat on the Max for a blind man. Two different men. Two different seats. Two different days.

While both instances resulted in strangers talking to me afterward, today's experience was the most eventful.

Riding the max before and after work is a much different experience than riding it on the weekend or during the middle of the day. Regular business riders are quite and polite and keep to themselves and their book of choice.

Every once and a while you'll get a talker or two and usually it's because they're not used to the routine. Today was one of those days. It started shortly after I got on this morning at my usual time in my usual place when "Jesus Man" struck up a conversation with "First-Leg-Of-The-Trip-Man" who has a son in the Army who is going to Iraq soon.

Fortunately this conversation died down quickly after a couple "that's politics for you" statements. So us regulars thought the interruption was averted.

That's when I sat down, only to be told I had to stand up again so that "Blind Man" could sit in my place. Why is it always my seat lately? I was really looking forward to that one too.

Although I didn't really mind moving it was the talking that insued after the move that was upsetting. I was really enjoying my book The Other Side of the Story (thanks Paige) by Marian Keyes, but it was hard to talk as "Blind Man" complained about work and school being so much pressure that he might explode and "Jesus Man" consoling him with the concept of bed time prayers. Thank God "Blind Man" got off at 4th street.

Then "Believer Girl" piped up. Actually she got up and went over to "Jesus Man" and said "You're a believer aren't you?" They proceeded to discuss where they went to church and then she said "Thanks for letting your light shine" as she walked away. Meanwhile the rest of us regulars hesitantly looked at each other (as eye contact is another non-regular event) and rolled our eyes in unison.

When I was telling this story to Terra it seemed very funny. As I'm writing it seems to have lost some of the humor. My apologies.

It's snowing!

Well it's snowing in Salt Lake where my friend Adara lives, which has little to do with me except that I feel like my life is being hit by a blizzard right now! Isn't it funny how everything happens at once?

We're moving into a new apartment on the 19th, which is a Wednesday and we have to be out of our old apartment on the 21st which is a Friday and the fiance and I work opposite schedules (me days, him nights). We're squeezing it into these two days so that we won't have to pay rent on both apartments for the month of October.

To remedy the problem of not being able to carry heavy things alone I took the 21st off and yesterday he went to work only to find out that the Jetta had a flat tire which will probably need to be replaced and when he finally got to the shop he discovered he has to report to his job at 7am on the morning of the 21st!

Last Friday he discovered that the tail pipe fell of the Mazda so the muffler back on that vehicle will also need to be replaced. *Laugh*

When it snows it snows! But it sure is pretty.