Day 10: Stress Relief

Ugh! What a day. One of the most stressful in a really long time. One problem after another at work. One of them looked like it was going to be days worth of work to fix, but we accidentally discovered a relatively easy solution in the afternoon. By the end of the day my shoulders were in knots. All day I craved a cigarette and by the time I got home I was really stating to crave that bottle of wine in my cupboard, but instead I went on an easy walk, did yoga and played with Tater and eventually the cravings went away. A mini miracle!

Image courtesy of zweettooth.

Day 7: My First "Clean" Friday

I deliberately didn't make many plans this weekend because I don't feel strong enough to resist temptation around other people yet, but I have to admit that come home by myself on a Friday night with no cigarettes or alcohol or chocolate to dull the loneliness was a lot harder than I expected. Amazingly, I survived!

Ok. I admit I wasn't perfect. I splurged a little and had a piece of sugar free chocolate cake from Piece of Cake and Synergy kombucha tea because it's fruity, fizzy and has a trace of alcohol since it's fermented, but I'm still going to claim it as a victory!

Image courtesy of Bert van 't Hul.

Day 5 & 6

Day 5 - I felt like a nervous wreck and was exhausted with huge dark circles under my eyes when I got to the gym after work. I tried to work out, but only made it 20 minutes.


Day 6 - I've been nauseous all morning. Not sure what's going on. The only thing I can think is that I've been giving myself free access to fats since I've cut everything else out and maybe I'm over doing it, but I actually thought I ate really well yesterday.

Image courtesy of Rafał Walczak.

Day 4: Quiet Temptation

This morning I still had a hard time getting out of bed, but it wasn't as bad as yesterday. I did crave cigarettes this morning and chocolate after my lunch, but I was surprised and how quickly the temptations flitted from my mind. I can only hope it will continue to be this easy.

Photo by Dominic Morel

Day 3: Can I go back to bed?

I did manage to survive last night without opening the bottle of wine in my cupboard or eating the chocolate bar in my freezer or treking to the gas station around the corner from my house to buy a pack of cigarettes. Truthfully, I wasn't really even all that tempted, but I'm sure that will come.

Despite my stellar behavior yesterday, I am sleepy and lethargic today. I pushed the snooze button on my alarm for an hour and a half this morning until I finally managed to force myself to get ready for work. Now that I'm finally here, I have a dull headache, I have a bit of a chill and my brain feels foggy. I assume this is part of the detox phase. Hopefully, I will start to feel better in a couple of days.

In the meantime, it turns out that my assistant has decided to do something similar with her food. We each came to this conclusion independently, but it helps to have someone who understands what I'm going through and who can hold me accountable at work.

Instead of usual snack of M & M's and diet A&W Root Beer after my Ethnic Gourmet lunch, I opted for a pear, some reduced fat Monterrey Jack cheese and a Tangerine Talking Rain Sparkling Water. I went for a walk. I convinced myself to workout on the way home. I felt much better by the evening. Calmer yet more energized than I normally do.

Image courteousy of Michael Lorenzo.

My Own Personal Food Revolution

I have several vices including: chocolate, cigarettes and wine. Turns out my bad habits aren't just killing me slowly, they're making me sick on a daily basis. See, I've been having some stomach issues for a few years now. When I mentioned them to a coworker, she recommended that I visit her naturopath. So I made an appointment and met with her doctor in October 2009.

Since then, I've discovered that my stomach problems are directly related to the amount of junk food I eat and alcohol I drink. And I know as well as anyone, smoking cigarettes is just a bad idea. It's stinky and unhealthy.

At the insistence of the naturopath, I've made small steps toward eating better over the last few months. I now eat breakfast everyday. When I eat processed meals, I try to buy organic, whole grain options. I almost never eat products made with white flour. But it's not enough. So I've decided to go cold turkey and give up all three vices for the next two weeks, until my mom comes to visit.

This won't be easy. As Mark Twain said: “I deal with temptation by yielding to it." But I'm tired of being sick and the only way I'm going to feel better is if I find a way to say no to temptation. So here goes:

Day 1 - Honestly, it was a bit of a rocky start. I managed to avoid alcohol and cigarettes, but gave in to the temptation of the chocolates in the pantry, the ice cream in the freezer and the pizza in the fridge at the house where I'm dogsitting for the weekend.

Day 2 - It's a new day. I had a lovely breakfast of raspberries, asparagus, mushrooms, whole grain toast, two eggs and Swiss cheese. I've also fueled my motivation with a marathon of Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution. However, as I write this, I'm reminded that I have a bottle of wine and a chocolate bar at home that I'm a bit afraid of. I can only hope I'm strong enough to resist them, until I can find a way to get them out of the house.

Image provided by: G & A Scholiers

Christmas 2009

2010 Goals

For me 2009 could be summed up in one word: survival. Now it's time to thrive! So I've been defining my goals for 2010. Here's what I'll be working on:

1) Get a healthy gut

• stick to 1500-1600 calories a day
• limit flour, sugar and alcohol consumption
• shoot for 25 grams of fiber a day
• take supplements as recommended by naturopath
• drink 8 glasses of water a day
• meditate on affirmations for 5 minutes a day

2) Run a 5k in under 30 minutes

• quit smoking
• jog 3 - 4 days a week following beginning and intermediate training plans
• do yoga 2 - 3 times a week

3) Find freelance work to increase income

• finalize resume
• finalize online presence
• finalize budget
• attend 1 networking event a week (cocktail hour, class, one-on-one lunch)

4) Start dating a totally awesome man (*this is a would be nice to have)

• pay for Match.com profile and make it awesome
  
• talk to one hot guy a week

Image courtesy of Billy Alexander.

Chillaxin

The truth is that I've been pretty stressed and bitter lately. (By lately I mean for the last year.)

I'm embarrassed to admit that I often take it out on my best friend and it's really yucky. (Sorry J.)

Despite my crankiness, he still seems to want to hang out with me and we've been talking a lot about letting stuff go and what that means. I really didn't get it, but I think after today I it's starting to make since.

When I started handselling for Insatiable I knew there would be a learning curve, but I never expected the lesson I got today. My handselling career has been a bit of a roller coaster with days of really strong sales and days of little to no sales. Tonight while I was selling I started thinking about what makes the difference between the good days and the bad ones and a trend started to emerge.

Now that we're expected to make sales numbers I often get stressed out when it doesn't look like I'm going to make it and it occured to me that when I start to stress my sales go down. Additionally, I realized that when I am relaxed and approach the sale session with curiousity I tend to do better. So I tried it tonight. I relaxed and had fun with it and sold 7 bottles.

I just started doing yoga again in the mornings a few days a week before work and after tonight I think I finally get what they mean when they say take your yoga with you. In yoga you have to relax and breath to properly move into the poses. If you tense up it makes it harder to practice.

The trick is remembering to continue to apply this so I can stop stressing and lashing out at my friends and coworkers.

Image courteousy of Tenzin Senge

House Wine = Fine

I've been hearing a lot about House Wine red blend from Magnificent Wine out of Washington and at Safeway it's on sale for $9.98. I love the label! But I was honestly, not a huge fan of the wine. It smelled nice like red raspberries and tasted a little like sour cherries. I found it to have a smooth, flat finish.

However, their wines have been well received by Wine Spectator, so I'm curious to find out what you think. Have you tried it?

The Firefighter

I talked to the firefighter for the first time in almost a month. It was nice, and awkward and annoying. I thought I was totally over that guy, but it apparently I'm not exactly. Darn it! The good news is that I was the one to end the call for the first time in the history of our conversations.

Buy Yourself Lilies

I only remember three occasions when I have really appreciated it when a man bought me flowers:

1) When my friend Matt spontaneously purchase a long stemmed rose from a flower stand in the farmers market in Stockholm and gave it to me because I'd never seen such a thing before.
2) When my dad bought me flowers as a "congrats on your new office" present.
3) When my ex-husband bought me a dozen red roses for my college graduation gift.

But, it didn't occur to me until recently that I could buy myself flowers.

I started out by just buying whatever was on sale, but tonight when I was at the grocery store, the smell of the lilies (my favorite flower) was so inviting that I had to see how much they were. I splurged and bought a bunch for $3.99. It was the best decision I made all day. They're gorgeous to look at and I keep getting wafts of fragrance from the kitchen. I love it!

Image courtesy of Dan Shirley.

Tagged. You're it!

What's your current obsession?
Keeping up with my RSS feed, tweets and Facebook friends.

What keeps you going when days are hard?
Chocolate, Mr. T. and my mom.

What are you wearing today?
I just realized that my sweater matches my cell phone exactly!

Why is today special?
I get to see my friend Serina and my mom is coming to visit in two days.

What would you like to learn to do?
Surf.

What's for dinner today?
Chips and salsa. It’s Cinco de Mayo!

What's the last thing you bought?
Groceries.

What's your favorite weather?
Sunny between 70 and 80 degrees.

What's your most challenging goal right now? To develop a more sunny disposition.

What do you think about the person who tagged you?
I think she’s fantastic! I learn something new about her every time I interact with her and I really need to make a trip to visit her later this month because I’ve flaked out on her a couple of times recently!

If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?
On a beautiful beach in a charming village with great hiking trails, wonderful people, fabulous shops and delicious cafes.

Favorite vacation spot?
Laguna beach – technically I’ve only been there for work, but it always feels like I would be really well recuperated if I went there for vacation.

What would you like to have in your hands right now?
Mr. T. I just can’t get enough of that little rascal.

What would you like to get rid of?
The cloud of my divorce and the weight I’ve gained over the last few months.

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
It’s a tough decision I’d either go to Spain to visit my friend Anna or Salt Lake to visit my friend Adara and her new baby or Durango to visit my friend Paige or Florida to visit my friend Erinn.

What's your favorite thing about the city you live in?
The library.

If you had $150 now what would you spend it on?
My mom’s birthday!

If and when you buy a magazine at the airport, what do you buy?
I typically only travel for work now so I often feel inspired to buy business magazines like Fast Company or Inc. But sometimes I can’t help myself and I buy Psychology Today or O!Describe your personal style. Feels frumpy these days.

Who's art show would you want tickets to?
Oh my! I’m so out of the art world I’m embarrassed.

What are three live shows that you have seen?
Michael W. Smith, Tom Petty, TV on the Radio.

RULE 1 Respond and rework. Answer the questions; replace one question you dislike with a question of your own invention. (Oops! I didn’t read this rule until I was done and I couldn’t think of anything to change.)

RULE 2 Tag 7 other people you would love to learn more about. (This is easier to do on Facebook.) Here are two:

Stateside
Bubble Essence

Divorce Worth Celebrating?

I can't believe it's been a year since I told G that I wanted a divorce. Now the divorce is finally official and we only have a couple financial things to wrap up (the condo and his car) and we will no longer be connected.

Tomorrow my friend K and his wife are hosting a divorce party for me at their house. We've been saving and planning for this party for months with a paper cup on my desk that served as the Divorce Party Fund sponsored by my friend J. The cup was there collecting loose change from various office mates for so long we made $28.

The party promises to be a riot with various friends and coworkers and strangers showing up, imbibing in alcohol, roasting wieners, making smores, playing croquet, splashing in the hot tub and shredding it on Rock Band, but I'm honestly having a hard time feeling festive.

I vacillate between wondering if my biggest mistake was getting married or getting divorced. Am I really better off? Were we really that badly matched?

When I asked for divorce, I was so angry and scared, I could only see G as the enemy and his actions for the following few months only solidified that opinion in my mind. It's only been in the last couple weeks that I've been able to remember the good times like the time he covered the dinning room table in chocolate for Easter because I told him how it used to be a special holiday for me as a kid. When I think of how he used to help me wake up in the mornings and make me tea sometimes before work I'm so sorry I didn't try harder. Sorry that I got angry instead of compassionate. Sorry, that I let my insecurities and fear cloud my love. And I wish I could take it back.

But then I remember that he left me at a shopping mall with no forewarning, no transportation and no guarantee that he was coming back. I remember that he held me to the floor when I came home late from work after going out with friends for some cocktails. I remember how I used to ask him to stop the car so I could get something to eat or go to the bathroom and he would just keep driving like he didn't hear me and I wonder how I got myself in that situation to begin with.

As I'm writing this post, tears are streaming down my cheeks and I get a text message from the ex saying that someone is showing the condo tomorrow. In a moment of weakness, I text him back to say thanks for letting me know and that I'm so sorry it ended up this way.

He responds "Why do you keep saying that?"

My reply: "I didn't realize I was repeating it. I guess I just wish we could have ended on better terms without all the anger and fear." I'll probably regret this later, I'm thinking as I write this. I don't know how, but he'll probably use this against me.

His response: "It natural in the end. I just wanted it over once it was started. Your a good person we were just a bad fit in the end. I wish you all the..." Stupid phone didn't send the rest of the message. I imagine it's supposed to say something like "...best."

I wonder how he can say that when he doesn't have a job and our house is about to go into foreclosure. This is definitely, not the same guy I married. His girlfriend has definitely done some good work on him or maybe it was God since it appears from his Meetup.com profile that he goes to church now. (Yes, I cyber-spy sometimes.)

Should I reply? Can I say the same? Do I wish him all the best? Do I really think we were just a bad fit? Is it appropriate to just say thanks? If I don't say anything is that bad juju?

I settle on "Thanks. Better luck in the future 2 u 2." This is because I really do mean the thanks part and that I want him to have better luck farther in the future, but not yet and definitely not better luck than me. Truthfully, I still kinda want him to suffer for a little while, but not forever. I feel awful for thinking that and hope it doesn't jinx me in some way.

He replies with "Thx. I'll sure I be ok." This raises my hackles for some reason and I realize that he's never apologized. I furiously start typing a response and then sigh and lay down my phone. I don't want to fight.

I'm pretty sure I'll be OK too.

Cupid

I've always been a sucker for love stories, so tonight when I happened across the new show on ABC Cupid I kinda fell in love.

I Am Because We Are -- A Documentary By Madonna

If you've read this blog before, it may be no secret to you that I am prone to pity myself. Hopefully, it is equally evident that I am frequently reminded of all I have to be thankful for, that I am, like all of us, responsible for my actions and live with the consequences of them -- both good and bad.

I was recently reminded of these wonderful truths by a film written and produced by Madonna about the struggles of Malawi, Africa and called I Am Because We Are. If you don't have time to watch the whole show, please take time to watch the last 30 minutes -- it is the most hopeful. You can also visit the website to learn more about the film or how to help.

Image thanks to Silvia Cosimini.

Ahh...Home!

It's hard to believe it's been over a month since I signed the lease on my new apartment. It's been a crazy month of going back and forth between my old house and new, with a trip to California for work in the middle, but things are starting to slow down and I'm finally starting to feel at home. Not just in my new place, but it feels like it's spreading to my psyche too.

I come from a background where being busy was highly valued, but thankfully my most recent roommate helped me break through this mentality. Now, I find myself moving toward a balance.

I feel so blessed to have a home and furniture and food and a job to continue to support this lifestyle at this time. I know that this could all change at any time and that's scary, but I'm so thankful for this experience because it's helping me refocus.

I now know that there are people who are really struggling to feed themselves and their families. My heart goes out to these people and I look forward to the days when I have more money to help them. In the meantime, I'm looking for ways to give what I can. (Check out Secret Millionaire and The Life You Can Save for some inspiration.)

According to the Oregon Food Bank website a gift of $12 can fund an emergency food box that will feed a family in need for at least three days! What about you? Have you heard of any great ways that people on a tight budget are helping those who are just trying to survive?

Image thanks to Claudia Veja.

Perfect Timing for a New Routine

I used to think I was spontaneous, but this week, by myself at the old roomie's house, I found myself kind of floundering. When, I started looking for something or someone to blame and I realized it's all up to me now. I've spent the last five years going along with someone else's plan and I'm still having a hard time taking control of my own life.

So last night, in honor of Daylight Savings Time, I did a really nerdy thing. I typed up my "ideal" routine for week days and weekends. Then I printed them out and taped them in the back of my journal.

Today was far from perfect, but it really helped to have a plan. I'm thinking about trying to block out my workdays now too. My only concern is that I will become too rigid, too reliant on my routine. While it's good to have structure, I think it is also important to remain flexible.

What's your routine like?

Image courtesy of Asif Akbar.

TV or Radio?

I've been "roughing it" in my new apartment for a week and a half without Internet or cable. For the first time in my life I've been listening to the radio outside of my car of my own will and I've been really enjoying it. I'm learning about music and taking advantage of OPB.

As of today, I'm house/dog sitting for my old roomie and his giant TV and Tivo. I've been looking forward to watching TV for a few days now, but I'm finding that I haven't been missing that much--except for Millionaire Matchmaker!

After a night of binging on reality TV and sitcoms, I'm actually kind of missing the radio. My Internet should be hooked up on Saturday! But I don't think I'm going to get cable or by a television for a while. I wonder if I can watch episodes of Millionaire Matchmaker online... er

What about you? Have you ever given up something and then found out you were better off without it?

Image courtesy of Steve Woods.

Peanut Butter & Sandwich Baggies

I just moved into my own apartment this last weekend (!) and I'm still gathering the essential kitchen items like a can opener or Tupperware.

While I wish I thought to take these things from the condo the last time I was there, I'm learning to improvise until I can purchase them.

Today, I really wanted peanut butter with my celery, but I didn't want to take the whole jar of PB to work, so I stuck a couple tablespoons in a plastic sandwich bag. It definitely helped me transport the substance, but getting it out of the bag is a lot messier than I anticipated.

This is the first time that I've lived totally on my own so I'm sure I'll be learning many more lessons like this in the near future. I look forward to sharing them with you.


What about you? Have any funny first time in a new place or on your own stories?

P.S. I'm also without Internet at my house right now, so I'll be posting when I can on my lunch break until I get that all set up.