Cupid

I've always been a sucker for love stories, so tonight when I happened across the new show on ABC Cupid I kinda fell in love.

I Am Because We Are -- A Documentary By Madonna

If you've read this blog before, it may be no secret to you that I am prone to pity myself. Hopefully, it is equally evident that I am frequently reminded of all I have to be thankful for, that I am, like all of us, responsible for my actions and live with the consequences of them -- both good and bad.

I was recently reminded of these wonderful truths by a film written and produced by Madonna about the struggles of Malawi, Africa and called I Am Because We Are. If you don't have time to watch the whole show, please take time to watch the last 30 minutes -- it is the most hopeful. You can also visit the website to learn more about the film or how to help.

Image thanks to Silvia Cosimini.

Ahh...Home!

It's hard to believe it's been over a month since I signed the lease on my new apartment. It's been a crazy month of going back and forth between my old house and new, with a trip to California for work in the middle, but things are starting to slow down and I'm finally starting to feel at home. Not just in my new place, but it feels like it's spreading to my psyche too.

I come from a background where being busy was highly valued, but thankfully my most recent roommate helped me break through this mentality. Now, I find myself moving toward a balance.

I feel so blessed to have a home and furniture and food and a job to continue to support this lifestyle at this time. I know that this could all change at any time and that's scary, but I'm so thankful for this experience because it's helping me refocus.

I now know that there are people who are really struggling to feed themselves and their families. My heart goes out to these people and I look forward to the days when I have more money to help them. In the meantime, I'm looking for ways to give what I can. (Check out Secret Millionaire and The Life You Can Save for some inspiration.)

According to the Oregon Food Bank website a gift of $12 can fund an emergency food box that will feed a family in need for at least three days! What about you? Have you heard of any great ways that people on a tight budget are helping those who are just trying to survive?

Image thanks to Claudia Veja.

Perfect Timing for a New Routine

I used to think I was spontaneous, but this week, by myself at the old roomie's house, I found myself kind of floundering. When, I started looking for something or someone to blame and I realized it's all up to me now. I've spent the last five years going along with someone else's plan and I'm still having a hard time taking control of my own life.

So last night, in honor of Daylight Savings Time, I did a really nerdy thing. I typed up my "ideal" routine for week days and weekends. Then I printed them out and taped them in the back of my journal.

Today was far from perfect, but it really helped to have a plan. I'm thinking about trying to block out my workdays now too. My only concern is that I will become too rigid, too reliant on my routine. While it's good to have structure, I think it is also important to remain flexible.

What's your routine like?

Image courtesy of Asif Akbar.

TV or Radio?

I've been "roughing it" in my new apartment for a week and a half without Internet or cable. For the first time in my life I've been listening to the radio outside of my car of my own will and I've been really enjoying it. I'm learning about music and taking advantage of OPB.

As of today, I'm house/dog sitting for my old roomie and his giant TV and Tivo. I've been looking forward to watching TV for a few days now, but I'm finding that I haven't been missing that much--except for Millionaire Matchmaker!

After a night of binging on reality TV and sitcoms, I'm actually kind of missing the radio. My Internet should be hooked up on Saturday! But I don't think I'm going to get cable or by a television for a while. I wonder if I can watch episodes of Millionaire Matchmaker online... er

What about you? Have you ever given up something and then found out you were better off without it?

Image courtesy of Steve Woods.

Peanut Butter & Sandwich Baggies

I just moved into my own apartment this last weekend (!) and I'm still gathering the essential kitchen items like a can opener or Tupperware.

While I wish I thought to take these things from the condo the last time I was there, I'm learning to improvise until I can purchase them.

Today, I really wanted peanut butter with my celery, but I didn't want to take the whole jar of PB to work, so I stuck a couple tablespoons in a plastic sandwich bag. It definitely helped me transport the substance, but getting it out of the bag is a lot messier than I anticipated.

This is the first time that I've lived totally on my own so I'm sure I'll be learning many more lessons like this in the near future. I look forward to sharing them with you.


What about you? Have any funny first time in a new place or on your own stories?

P.S. I'm also without Internet at my house right now, so I'll be posting when I can on my lunch break until I get that all set up.

Anger. Is It Ever Productive?

The soon-to-be-ex and I went to H & R Block to get our taxes done by Bob Noel. Bob is a easy-going partially-retired tax preparer who handled the awkwardness of our martial situation graciously. If you're looking for a tax preparer, I'd recommend him.

We managed to remain cordial throughout while working with Bob. G told me all about his family and asked about my birthday plans while Bob entered our info into the system, but then when we left, the real conversation began.

He mentioned that the bank called him about the late payment. I took that opportunity to tell him that I didn't appreciate his decision to stop paying his portion of the mortgage. What I actually said was, "I just want you to know that it really pisses me off." He went on to say that he was going bankrupt, blah, blah, blah -- but I know how much he makes, I saw the balances in his bank account. I don't believe him.

I dropped it because I could see that arguing about it was futile and all I was accomplishing was working myself up. I really thought going off about the unfairness of the financial division would make me feel better, but it didn't.

Any ideas of how I could have handled this situation more effectively?


Photo courtesy of Rene Asmussen.

I Didn't Expect To Have That Conversation!

I just got off the phone with the soon-to-be-ex. We were talking about the latest version of the settlement. We both feel that we're "this" close to finally being done with this part of the process.

"We should be close and might even be able to sign the papers by the end of this week," he said.

"Sweet!" I replied.

"Just keep up that attitude and that should help make this happen even faster!"

Did he just give me a pep-talk to get me through the finalization of the settlement? I didn't see that coming 8 months ago!

Image provided by Keith Syvinski.

Deliberately Off Balance

Last Saturday I went to my first Kripalu yoga class at the Lloyd Athletic Club taught by Barbara Wood.

The focus of the class was on centering. I feel better just writing that word. But the interesting thing was that she encouraged us to deliberately shift our weight slightly off balance temporarily in each pose and then to come back to center and notice how much easier it was to identify.

We may not do this intentionally in life, but we've probably all experienced this concept off the mat. (I know, I often allow external circumstances to throw me off balance.) But each time we stop and take the time to find our center we become more familiar with it and the easier it is to locate.

(Image provided by abcdz2000 via stock.xchng.)

Delight In the Process

For the first time in years I feel like I'm on the right path with pursing freelancing. I know I have a really long way to go, but that actually kind of excites me. I'm actually looking forward to the process more than the outcome.

Don't get me wrong, I want to get published, make money and establish a good reputation for myself, but even if I don't, I know that I'm doing the "write" thing (sorry, couldn't help it) by pursuing this goal.

Is that how you feel about your current goals? If not, have you ever felt that way about anything?

(Photo provided by Michal Zacharzewski via stock.xchng.com.)

Getting Things Done

I took the week off to work on my freelancing career and I've been learning a lot. I kicked the week off by taking a freelancing primer by Laurie Dart at PCC which helped me gain confidence and direction.

The biggest hurdle for me was writing and submitting my first query which I sent to Yoga Journal yesterday -- thanks to the helpful advice of Moira Allen and The Renegade Writer.

I still have a lot to learn and do:
1) Define my online presence (I want to create a website.)
2) Write more queries (My goal is to write a query a week this year.)
3) Gain more readership for my wine blog: swirlsniffsipandsavor.blogspot.com.

In addition, some of the divorce stuff seems to be coming together:
1) We meet with our Realtor on Wednesday and the condo is now listed on RMLS.
2) I reviewed what I hope is the final settlement proposal and my lawyer should have sent it to the soon-to-be-ex's lawyer.
3) I transferred my portion of the join credit card debt to my own account.
4) I am working on refinancing my car into my own name. (I hope I'm not doing the refi stuff too soon. It has to be done so I just figured it would be better to get it over with.)

Unfortunately, I was not entirely perfect. I did have a bit of a relapse and bought a pack of cigarettes. I don't like it, but I can't seem to get myself to throw them away.

How was your week?

Photo provided by Cris DeRaud.

No Longer Up in Smoke: Day 4

I decided to quit smoking again.

It's been intense, but I'm doing it! I get anxious and irritated, but I'm learning that smoking didn't solve anything, the intense emotions don't last and I don't have to react.

Naturally, temptation is constantly striking. For example, as I was driving to my friends' house yesterday, each gas station I passed was advertising the brand of cigarettes I used to smoke and the price kept decreasing as I got closer to their house. I managed to laugh at the obvious test of my will and to keep driving.

In addition, to make sure it's a true challenge to quit, one of my worst fears has come to pass over the last few days: the-soon-to-be-ex-husband hasn't been depositing enough money into the joint account to cover his portion of the bills. Fortunately, we have overdraft protection, but it's still scary. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he refuses to acknowledge my questions.

In the past I would panic and fly into an emotionally frenzied state, but this time I'm trying to remain calm and non reactive. I just keep telling myself "This is not the end of the world. I can handle this."

I'm actually kind of thankful that this is all happening because I think it's a fabulous learning experience. You see, the-soon-to-be-ex has always been able to find my weak spots and poke them and I would react in horrible ways. I thought that being rid of him would automatically solve the problem, but now I realize that he was only part of the problem. His behavior was often less than stellar, but my response was deplorable as well. Now I want to learn to manage my thoughts, emotions and actions in a more productive and peaceful manner and this is a prime opportunity to practice.

Plus my hair smells good!

(Picture by Martin Rotovnik.)

New Blog: Swirl, Sniff, Sip and Savor

I started a new blog called Swirl, Sniff, Sip and Savor for people who like to drink wine, but can't afford to spend a lot of money on a bottle. I will be focusing on wines between $5-$10.

It's still in its infancy but I'd love your feedback and ideas of wines to try.

Enjoy the rest of your holiday season!

Happiness

I just finished reading Storms Can't Hurt the Sky: A Buddhist Path Through Divorce. This was the clearest, most practical book on Buddhism I've read so far. It was full of interesting insights and fundamental Buddhist truths. Most of which are probably pretty readily found in other books, but the particular application to coping with divorce naturally hit home for me.

I'm still trying to absorb it all, but the fundamental Buddhist truth that we are all seeking to attain happiness and to avoid suffering hits home for me. I know that this has been the primary motivator for most of my actions throughout my life.

I see how I subscribe to self-cherishing and how this aided in the failure of my marriage. Rather than reacting with compassion I acted out of anger. When my husband did things to ease his own suffering that caused me pain I retaliated.

This doesn't excuse the very hurtful things that he did to me or that I did to him, but it does help me to have compassion toward him and myself.

I want to continue this excavation of my thoughts and Cohen suggests several books to help, but there are so many to choose from, I'm not sure what to choose. Any suggestions for what I should read next?

Fire!

My dad called on his way home from work Thursday evening to let me know that he was driving by the lodge where G and I got married and it was on fire. By the time he got there most of it had already burned down.

It was a beautiful building and I feel awful for the people who worked there. They were very gracious and had helped us plan a very nice event.

At the same time, the thought of it no longer being there is kind of cathartic. It's like nature's way of annulling the marriage.

(Picture by Hans Thoursie.)

Day 30: Saved By The Alarm

Despite the fact that I triumphed by finding a rolling pin for $7.99 at Safeway (compared to the $30 at Fred Meyer), by the time I got home from work today I was racked with intensely painful emotions. Even my roommate noticed that I wasn't my usual self.

Normally I try to "snap out of it" by the time I get home, but tonight I was determined to wallow in my self pity. Until the alarm rang at my roommate's office and he had to go check it out.


I wasn't sure what to do after he left so I decided to meditate. It was an intense session filled with waves of self doubt, self pity, anger, sadness, jealousy, impatience, guilt and fatigue. A lot can happen in fifteen minutes! But afterward I actually felt better. Nothing about my circumstances had changed, but I guess the landscape of my mind did.

(Picture by Craig Jewell.)

Day 28: I've been replaced

Unlike me she keeps her razors in my shower. Her toothbrush sits on my sink. And her key probably works in my door.

I know I shouldn't let this bother me. It was bound to happen sooner or later.

What "kills" me is that I'm paying for the place where she sleeps with my husband.

I say kills because yesterday my heart ached so intensely I irrationally believed I might die from the pain.

But as the cliche goes: this morning was a new day. I woke up. I did yoga. I cleaned. I talked to my dad.

It still hurts when I think about it, but I know it won't crush me.

(Thanks to Alicia Solario for the photo.)

Day 25: Up In Smoke

I was going to quit smoking today, but then I checked the joint bank account that I share with the eventually-to-be-ex for our joint bills which only has $43 in it and I freaked!


I kept thinking "Why is this happening to me?" "What did I do to deserve this?" "Why does everything have to be a challenge?"

But maybe that's the point. Maybe I was seeing the situation all wrong. Instead of thinking "I can't handle this" maybe I should have been thinking "Thanks for this opportunity to grow and really see what I can handle."

(Photo by Vivek Chugh. Thanks!)

Day 24: Wishful Thinking

I spent much of my life thinking it would magically be better if I were dating someone or married. Actually, that I would be better. I thought the magic lover would cure me of my imperfections. I thought that kind of love would transform me -- make me beautiful, graceful, rich, smart, creative....


But when I was with G I spent the majority of the time thinking it would get better when if I were single.

Turns out I'm stuck with my imperfections either way.

(Thanks to Stephen Wall for the photo.)

Day 23: Scheduling

I'm really enjoying the new morning routine with yoga and meditation, but I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with all I "have" to do in a day. Here's what a typical day looks like for me:

6:00 am - Wake up
6:15 am - Do yoga for 20-25 minutes
6:45 am - Meditate for 15 minutes
7:00 am - Feed Tater
7:05 am - Prepare food for the day
7:10 am - Make sure Tater goes to the bathroom
7:15 am - Pick out clothes for the day and iron if needed
7:20 am - Shower and get ready
7:45 am - Leave for work
8:30 am - Work
11:30 am - Lunch
12:30 pm - Back to work
5:30 pm - Go home
6:30 pm - Play with or walk Tater
7:00 pm - Make Dinner
7:30 pm - Eat & Watch TV
8:30 pm - Read blogs
9:00 pm - Write blog
9:15 pm - Meditate
9:30 pm - Get ready for bed
9:45 pm - Read
10:00 pm - Sleep

(Thanks to Jade Colley for the image.)