Forward Thinking

When G messaged me today to tell me he was selling my golf clubs on Craigslist I felt a deep sense of loss. Albeit, we golfed once last summer. I was still mourning for the summer before when we golfed often. During that time we met some fun people. It was also a fun activity that helped us get to know some of our friends better. Plus they allowed us to drink beer and get exercise two of our favorite activities. What could be better?

However, golfing together was not always fun. Sometimes we get paired up with people we didn't want to know. Other times we were followed by a group of pushers that had no patience for the nine shots it takes for me to get to the green. Sometimes I found myself just plain frustrated because I had no patience for the nine shots it took for me to get to the green. So I declared that I wouldn't go again until I could take lessons. However, lessons never happened and therefore, golfing didn't happen for a long time.

Then I changed my tune. I started asking G to go with me, but he wasn't interested. However, I did finally get him to take me to the driving range where he recently helped me get my swing back. It was fantastic! By that time he had already made up his mind to sell our clubs though.

He's been on a crusade to sell everything in the garage that we don't use. The rock climbing shoes that never got to try their feat at Smith Rock. The tennis racquets that were only used once in the last two years at Gabriel Park. The charcoal BBQ that we used to use all the time until we ran out of charcoal and bought a George Foreman grill instead. All of these remind me of how it used to be or how it could have been. I've been having a hard time letting them go.

I've recently realized that I seem to be either stuck in the past longing for the way it was or floating in the future hoping for "better time." A walk with a good friend helped me realize that I aught to be living in the here and now. As Eoin Finn says in Power Yoga for Happiness "focusing my Gandhi laser there."

Now That's True Love (I Think)

A nice little story about a couple in India that got married over the telephone. No it's not a joke. Click here for more.

Is It Really Stealing?

It's 2:30pm on Wednesday afternoon. My boss is out of the office today and I'm on my third cup of decaf Chai. The requisite International Coffees French Vanilla creamer and the two packets of Splenda in each cup have coated my tongue and my teeth. My eyelids start to droop.

Being on what I refer to as the "undiet", which means you listen to your body and eat what you want when you're hungry until you're satisfied, I decide that rather than eating some sugar laden snack that would only weigh me down more I would like to go for a walk.

Working in a building that is attached to one of the largest malls in the Portland Metro Area has it's advantages. One of which is easy access to Barnes & Noble. Whenever I'm craving creative impetus I head in their direction.

As I walk I promise myself that I will look at the writing journals. I know exactly where they are and walk directly to that section. Unfortunately, there is a waify librarianesque B&N employee with hippie roots lurking in front of the stand scanning all my precious magazines and literary journals.

I reach around her for the newest copy of TinHouse a local "quarterly which publishes fiction, poetry and essays by new and established writers." I browse through it briefly until a copy of Writer's Digest catches my eye. I decide to hold on to this gem as I look for more mental nourishment.

The employee is still scanning the magazines in my section so I decide to move to Current Events. There's a new issue of Utne. It's stories are intriguing, but not enough to spend the $5 it costs to actually buy the magazine and take it home to read it. I've only got $20 in my purse and I'm saving it for something really special.

Knowing Utne relatively well I begin my search for the free online access password. I find it within the first 20 pages and quickly commit it to memory. I put both magazines back and shuffle out of the store before anyone can catch on to what I've done. The sensors don't go off. No one comes running after me. I'm home free.

However, as I take my first step toward Old Navy to look for a new shirt for Tater it dawns on me that Utne is about social consciousness and responsible citizenship. That's what I like about it. I've even thought about trying to work there some day.

I decide not to compromise myself by using the password. Instead, I will try and remember the password until the next issue comes out and tell everyone because I think what they chose is funny, although it won't really be funny then. At least I'll get some use out of it that way.

Too Cute to Keep to Myself Any Longer

Poor little sick doggies. Hope you feel better soon. We love you.

Shoes

Why is it that the more we become women the smaller our shoes get?

When I was younger I could get away with wearing a chunky heel that was supportive and relatively comfortable.

but as my body begins to fill out and break down fashion no longer supports that. Rather it requests a higher, thinner heel in a narrower shoe with less support.

Even the shoes that look comfortable but professional are secretly uncomfortable.

And the ones that are comfortable don't look professional.

Why is it so difficult to make a shoe that is comfortable, but looks stylish and professional.

Friends

A quote from Appetites by Geneen Roth:

"We need to build our friendships on truth and wholeness and expansiveness. We need friends who can be with us in our loneliness, not people who will cheer us up so that we don't feel it. We need friends who get furious with us when we are not being real or true to ourselves, not who get angry when we don't do what they wants us to do. We need friends who are not afraid of our pain or our joy. We need friends who are not invested in the way we look, what we do or what we feel, who are willing to see us without reference to themselves. We need friends who are willing to break out of gravity-bound orbits and sin with us into the unknown.

And we need to become those friends ourselves."

To my friends...this is a declaration that I am a work in progress toward being this kind of friend.

Aren't they cute?

Happy Easter Bailey and Tater!

Tobacco=Fast Food

It has long been my humble opinion that grocers, restraunters and other food purveyors have an ethical and moral responsibility to provide products that are "healthy" for their customers. I am inarticulate this morning, but I provide the following like to "Junk Food Jihad" and article I found on MSN.com. Hopefully, they explain my sentiments better. I'm just happy to see that someone else agrees with me and that perhaps some day things will change.

Gaining Ground Farm

I found a flyer for Gaining Ground Farm by the mailbox yesterday. I would really like to be a subscriber. I really think the Mike, Jill, Kamili and Izzie sound like a wonder family and wonderful farmers.

I also really believe that what they are doing is not only better for our bodies, but better for our communities and better for our environment and economy as a whole.

BUT, I can't justify paying $500 for 20 weeks of fresh veggies and eggs up front. What if I don't like it? What if it's too much and it goes to waste? What if I can't arrange to make it to the pick ups on time?

I don't think $25 a week for produce and eggs is unreasonable. I just wish I could pay as I go.

I Am Lame.

I've officially entered the land of Lamedom. Today a bunch of people from work are going to a Thirsty Thursday game at PGE Park. While I appreciate that I was invited, I declined.

Why?

Well, one, I need to go home and let little Tater out to pee. His bladder just can't hold it that long. Two, it's cold and windy outside. Burr! Three, I just don't feel like drinking to get drunk and spending a lot of money to do it. Which is what these kinds of events always turn into for me. Four, I really want to go to the library and pick up my books that are on hold waiting for me. It will be much warmer in there.

Interestingly, I'm not horrified by attaining residency in Lamedom. I'm rather pleased about it actually.

Why?

One, I said no to something I really don't want to do, despite the fact that these people may reject me and never invite me to something again. Two, I won't have a hangover in the morning. Three, I'll still have money in my bank account in the morning. Three, I'll be warm.

The only downfall: missing out on some fun bonding time with my coworkers. Ah hell! I can do that tomorrow at work.

Cookies

Last night I made chocolate chip oatmeal cookies. I told myself I wouldn't eat any of the dough while I was making them...that I would just wait until the cookies were done. Naturally, that didn't happen.

Today on my way to work I realized that I don't like chocolate chip cookies after they are cooked. *laugh* Not even when they are fresh out of the oven. I just like the dough. Ha! Ha! So from now on I guess I will just make the dough. Maybe I'll skip the eggs in the process so as not to risk getting salmonella.

per•spec•tive [ pər spéktiv ] (plural per•spec•tives) (n)

1. particular evaluation of something: a particular evaluation of a situation or facts, especially from one person's point of view (i. e. a different perspective on the matter)

2. measured assessment of situation: a measured or objective assessment of a situation, giving all aspects their comparative importance
He's having trouble keeping things in perspective right now.

3. appearance of distant objects to observer: the appearance of objects to an observer allowing for the effect of their distance from the observer

4. graphic arts allowance for artistic perspective when drawing: the theory or practice of allowing for artistic perspective when drawing or painting

5. vista: a vista or view

[14th century. Via French <>per·spec·tive·ly (adv)

Synonyms: viewpoint, standpoint, outlook, point of view, view, perception, side, angle, take, evaluation, assessment, proportion, scale, ratio, size, depth, range, distance, lookout, vista, prospect, view, scene, outlook, overlook

And So We Talked

I talked to my mom yesterday evening. It was pretty much a waste of time. She could sense from the very beginning that I didn't agree with her decision to leave my dad. She wanted to stop talking then. I should have let her, but I didn't want her to hang up angry. So I kept her on the line for an hour or so.

I just can't understand where she's coming from. She wants to live in town and he wants to keep their house in the country. She says that people have been suggesting she get a job or volunteer for quite some time, but that never helps because really she's just missing dad. She wants to know why I'm not mad at him.

She says she really doesn't want their marriage to end, but she's not willing to put up with "some things" anymore. Things she won't tell me about. She says he's not having an affair. She says he's not a bad man. She says he's always been a good provider. She says being away from him only makes her miss him more and I say that's exactly what I'm afraid of.

I guess she has to do what she has to do, but what if this all goes horribly wrong? What if Dad breaks down? What if she is still lonely and bored and depressed only in a dark one bedroom apartment in town instead of in a beautiful home in the country?

I did no good. I just hope I didn't make it worse.

Doing Without Doing

After my practice last night with Baron Baptiste and his Core Power session (which I scored yesterday at Ross for $3.99), there are two concepts which I am trying to wrap my brain around this morning.

The first is the recommendation that you never go beyond where you are comfortable in yoga. In this sense yoga is about accepting yourself where you are. It is not a competitive activity. Even when taking a class you are never to compare yourself with others in the class, but to do what you can do. This keeps you from injuring yourself.

However, at the same time yoga is about challenging yourself. Pushing yourself to go beyond your what you believe you are capable of.

I think that difference lies in the two realms of your "self" which yoga is aimed at uniting: the body and the mind. In yoga you are often encouraged to listen to your body but to quiet the mind. As physical beings our bodies have limitations. Sometimes our hamstrings are tight or our backs are sore or our abdominals are weak.

Our minds also have limitations. Fear, insecurity, anger, impatience, etc. In some poses our minds limit us more than our bodies. Mine often says "I can't." But when pushed I find that physically I can.

Mom & Dad

My mom called this morning. I couldn't really talk to her, partially because I'm at work and partially because I totally disapprove of what she's doing. She's leaving my dad.

Growing up I've always been closer to my mom, but these last few months have begun to change all that. My dad's been the only one who's been real with me. Telling me what's happening. Telling me how they're not getting along. Telling me how it's going to end. Telling me how he's going to a class.

My mom says he's going to the class to work on his anger. I don't remember my dad as being really angry. Not abnormally and definitely not abusively. He's an expressive like me though. But hell I think he deserves to be angry. The poor guy just lost both of his parents within 6 months of each other. His wife, whom he's always supported, who has never had to work, or do anything but grocery shop and watch old black and white movies is leaving him because "they've hit a wall."

When he told me that she was looking for a new place on Saturday it made me angry and sad. I just want to protect my dad. Don't get me wrong, I don't want either of them to be unhappy. But, I just really think my dad needs the most support. He's the one being left behind.

When I asked him what I could do he said "Just let me connect with you."

He told my mom that we had talked, so she called. I didn't answer the phone. She called again today. I answered because I knew she'd be worried. We didn't talk long. I said "I've been holding off because I'm not sure what I want to say." How do you tell your mom that you think she's wrong and she's making the biggest mistake of her life. She's never gonna find someone as good as my dad. And I fear that he may not be as good without her.

Off Balance

This morning in my practice I was very unbalanced. I can usually do side plank pose, at left, relatively easily. But today I was extra wobbly.

Later as I was reading Sivananda Companion to Yoga I was struck by the fact that balance is not only a recurring theme in the asanas, or postures, but in the underlying philosophy of yoga itself. While reading I was reminded of the recurring quest for balance in my own life. I remember countless conversations with my friend Tiffany which would often end with one of us saying wistfully, "it's all about balance."

As I begin to delve more into the underlying world of yoga I find that it is complex and yet very simple. Thanks to Swami Vishnu-devnanda who came to spread yoga in the west in 1957, it is even easier to understand. The book says that "By closely observing the lifestyles and needs of people in the West, he synthesized the ancient wisdom of yoga into five basic principles that can easily be incorporated into your own pattern of living to provide the foundation of a long and healthy life." The five principles he sites are proper relaxation, proper exercise, proper breathing, proper diet and positive thinking and meditation.

I used to think that we are all striving for balance in our lives, but that attaining it was hopeless because as soon as we got one area under control another area would need attention. Now I see that I may be off balance currently, but that I am not destined to remain in a wavering state. Perhaps by working on the five principles of Sivananda Yoga I can finally find my center.

Crow Pose

Lately I've been revisiting my interest in yoga and I've really been wanting to get into arm balances. Today while going through Strengthen II on my DVD with Marlon Braccia (which I bought at Ross for $5) we did Crow Pose (see left). I actually held it for a few seconds. I fell on my face a couple of times, but I actually pushed myself back up and balanced for a little while.

It occurred to me after coming out of it that I probably could have held it longer if I hadn't given into my fear and doubt. This concept excites me. I can't wait to try it again. All day I've been thinking about shutting my door and going through my vinyasas. Thoughts of back bends and forward bends have been enticing me to get up tomorrow and practice some more.

Pluck

This is my 80th post. As such it seems as though it is a good time to revisit the theme of my first blog new technological adventures. Eeek!

I have a few blogs that I like to keep track of, but I have to admit that I am tired of checking them daily to see if there is anything new. So I decided to be brave and to check into an RSS aggregator.

I didn't want another icon cluttering my desktop. Nor did I want to have to run a separate program so I decided to go with a something online. According to my techno guru, Carlos, the program I chose, Pluck, is a plugin for Internet Explorer.

So far I'm liking this program. It opens as a sidebar so I can navigate the internet without interference. I can close it if I get tired of looking at it or I can leave it open. I haven't discovered if there is a way to force it to search for new posts. Nor am I sure how often it refreshes, but for my needs it seems to be working just fine.

Ewww!

I don't have much to say about this other than I think it's disgusting. You can watch a video of the Roach Brooch in action at msn.com if you are curious.

Wal*Mart vs. Whole Foods

Here's something you don't see every day and truthfully it's a little difficult to accept.

As a relatively quiet advocate for local farmers and proponent of organic foods I find Whole Foods Market a bit like the proverbial candy store. Further, growing up in a small town with my dad always saying "we need to support local business" I've detested Wal*Mart from the beginning. That's what makes this so difficult to wrap my brain around. Whole Foods may not be telling the whole truth. In fact, they may be deliberately misleading us to make a ginormous profit off of "organic" and "local" produce, which really comes from Mexico, California and Chile.

Meanwhile, Wal*Mart seems to be jumping on the organic band wagon, which may make this style of eating and living more affordable. Does that make Wal*Mart more virtuous? Read more about it on MSN.com. (For some reason blogger is rejecting all of my links lately. My apologies for the inconvenience.)

Smaller Dogs Are Harder To Train?

I've been thinking about this ever since we went to the stupid vet who suckered us into buying almost every preventive treatment available in the canine medicine world. Not much of what he said stuck with me, but I do remember him saying that "smaller dogs are harder to potty train."

I found this difficult to swallow for three reasons. First, because that means more work for me and I never like the sound of that. Second, Tater is pretty well behaved already. Third, small dogs are not any less intelligent. In fact, in a recent display in a nearby field he was much more attentive and obedient that our 5 year old dog Bailey. He not only came running enthusiastically when I called for him, but even when I called for Bailey--who was pretending to be deaf apparently, because she never came when called.

It occurred to me this morning as I was leaving for work that perhaps the reason that small dogs take longer to train is because small dog owners are not as diligent and disciplined. Big dog puppies are cute, but they are also often kinda goofy looking with their oversized paws and lanky limbs. Little dogs are cute as puppies and as adults. It's harder to discipline your dog if he's cute even when he's naughty.

Apparently, I'm not the only one who has come to this conclusion. According to pugvillage.com small dogs are hard to train because they are so cute. They go on to say that it's not really the small dogs fault, but that "The truth is that training a Pug to do anything depends as much upon you as the owner, as it does your Pug."

Sunday Morning

Today I feel mysteriously awakened. As though, I have been in some kind of hazy dream state, which was not reality. As if, all of a sudden I have been reborn a new and improved version of me (not in a particularly religious sense). One that is more alive. Like I am re-me.

Perhaps it is the fact that I actually made it through an entire cup of decaf coffee without having to leave the house. I took so long I even had to reheat it at one point. Or maybe it's that the windows are open. It could be the addition of Tater into our lives.

Or maybe it was the walk we too through Washington Park to Pittock Mansion. We're finally getting outside again. Perhaps it is the combination of the "healthier" foods I've been eating and the decrease in consumption of alcohol. Perhaps it's the book we're reading for book club What I Loved by Siri Hustvedt, which among other things has reminded me that the process of developing an idea or thought and then finding a way to express it is a valid pastime.

Perhaps it my reconnection with one of my favorite magazines when I was in college Utne Reader, which has reminded me that while I am important there are other bigger issues out there that are also worth my time. For more on these issues visit http://www.zaadz.com/.

Or maybe it's being charge of the online movie rental account. We're trying Blockbuster this time. So far I've received three of the movies that I picked out and watched two. Both I enjoyed. The first was Garden State with Zach Braff from Scrubs and Natalie Portman a story about a man my age who finds himself and love in, what seemed to me a somewhat realistic and imperfect way. The second was Finding Neverland which is both sad and happy, also involves imperfect love.

Maybe it's the resolved conflict between my husband I, the rediscovery or our own imperfect love. Or maybe, pardon the rhyme, it is all of the above.

Am I too Sensitive?

Today I was talking with my husband on the phone and it happened again. By "it" I mean he reaches a threshold when he all of a sudden can't wait to get off the phone. There's no warning. One minute we're having a great discussion. Taking turns, listening, talking, etc. The next he's saying "Ok" in that tone that really means "Ok, I can't take this anymore. I haven't heard a thing you've said and I can't wait to get off the phone." For some reason this leaves me feeling crushed. My chest actually hurt when we hung up today. It's as though he's saying what I have to say is not important or interesting.

Is it possible that the problem the way I take it. Perhaps I take it too personally. It is not that I as a person am not interesting, it's just what I'm saying at that particular moment is not engaging him.

I'm sure I've done something similar to him before. Sometimes he talks about things that I'm not interested in or can't follow.

Watching Another Marriage Dissolve

My husband's sister instant messaged me today. She and her husband had a big fight this morning. She asked him to move out. He refused. This has been a long time coming. My husband and I both think they should have tried to work it out, got some help, but they've just been letting it build and build and build. Hoping that maybe the other person would change, I guess. Slowly their hearts grew so hard toward each other that even the way he made guacamole was cause to send her into thoughts of divorce.

Anyway, she's wanted this for a while, she's been stalling because she's afraid of raising her son all alone, I believe, although she'll tell you she does it all now anyway. But financially her husband is of some assistance and occasionally he will take care of the kid so she can do something else.

So not knowing what to say or do since she's made up her mind and talking her out of it didn't make sense, I said "Do you need anything? I'm here for you." She replied with, "I don't know. Would you and G want to rent a house with me and B?" My response: "Hmm...I'm not sure...I'd have to talk to G about it...Plus we're in our lease until October."

After talking with G we realized that we can't just leave her to fend for herself, even if we don't agree with her. And that there could be both pros and cons to an arrangement like this. It could free up some money for us so G could have more freedom in changing careers. It could fill our often quiet home with fun and laughter and tears and all that good stuff that being with family brings. But it means having a kid in our house and helping to take care of him and keeping him away from our precious dogs and having to work for alone time.

There's a good chance that none of this will happen anyway, because that's how things are sometimes. She lives and works on the east side, we're on the west. We're in a lease so we'd have to upgrade into a bigger apartment with the same company, she wants her own backyard. (Tangent:It's funny to me that people always want backyards for their kids and their pets. We've lived in both situations and I think Bailey prefers to not have one.)

I wish that I had the clarity in these situations to know what the right thing to do or say was and then the courage to do it. But it is never black and white, is it?

Heroine or Ordinary Girl?

Growing up I read a lot. I was never one to easily slip into "the classics" although I always wanted to be. Rather, I read Nancy Drew and The Baby Sitters Club. I still read. Thanks to my book club and other external sources I am occasionally pushed to read something I wouldn't normally pick up.

Left to my own devices I tend to gravitate to the type of book you would read by the pool in the summer if you were a woman. I recently finished Whatever Makes You Happy by Lisa Grunwald. It was a fun book about a woman who is a wife, mother and author. She is trying to write a book about the history of happiness, while she finds herself caught in a quest for her own definition and to find happiness in her own life. Plus there are fun quotations from philosophers, scientists and other people who have pondered happiness in the past.

All of this is beside the point I am trying to get at. Other than to say that I think reading has a great deal to do with my thought processes; with particular regard to how I view my own life. As long as I can remember developing a rich inner life as an only child I have always thought of myself as a character in a novel. Sometimes this is comforting. For instance, when "bad" things happen I think to myself, "as a heroine in a novel this only makes my story more compelling." However, it is disconcerting when reality collides with my ideals and I realize that I am in fact, not a character in a book, but just an ordinary girl.

I Know I Haven't Been Married 30 Years, But...

I talked to my mom last night and she said, "I love your dad. He's a good man, but we've hit a wall." What does that mean? And is it really enough to give up almost 30 years of marriage? I don't think so, but what do I know. I've only been married a month.

This is not the first I've heard of my parents alleged "problems." Two weeks ago she told me that she almost left him. A month before our wedding my dad said that they would stay together for our wedding, but there were no guarantees beyond that point.

Ultimately, I want them to be happy (which I concede may or not be an illusion). They seem to think that they might find happiness apart. I am inclined to think that this would only make them more miserable. However, I'm not quite sure how to go about telling them this. "Wake up! You're both faithful. Kind. And Blind, apparently!"

Is it inappropriate to start sending them marriage skills propaganda such as Fighting For Your Marriage? Heck! It's only $1.99.

First Comes Love. Then Comes Marriage.

Then comes the baby in the baby carriage. Or at least that's how it's supposed to go, right? Well in our case we opted for a puppy instead. Say hello to Tater. Our three month old black pug.

Stereotypes

I'm not happy with myself. I haven't been for a long time. Not since the summer G and I got together. Before we "hooked it up" I had decided I was fed up with boys. That I was tired of trying to attract them. That I was tired of trying to emulate other women hoping to find out what secret ingredient they contained in their sweet pollen and that I would just be myself. This was not an easy decision, but it was liberating. And shortly after that G and I fell in love. They say it happens when you least expect it. However, while our love has withstood a great deal of obstacles including marriage...my freedom did not last long. At the end of the summer all the other girls came back in time for the first semester of my junior year of school.

All of my friends had graduated and moved on so I was stuck with the task of meeting and making new companions. It seemed as though the new breed of students I was left with as options were either smarter, prettier or more driven then me. I remember feeling heavy and sad for the first week of school, especially. At first I thought it was the birth control. Eventually I got used to the feeling. Accepted it as normal to never feel good about myself. I look at pictures of myself then and I think what was I thinking? I was beautiful and strong and thin and smart and determined. Since then I've gained 45 lbs. With each one it is like the burden I picked up back then gets a little bit heavier and I stoop a little lower.

Sometimes I think about what it would be like to put that burden down again. To shuck off the need to compare myself with other women. To leave behind the desire to fit into their shoes. To get my nails done like Annie or my hair done like Sheila. Or to smell delicious like Kathy. Or to fit into size 4 workout pants like Tammy. But fear keeps me holding clutching the millstone around my neck. 'Cause if I dropped I might really let myself go and I can't even bare to imagine the result. Never mind that I actually lost weight and got the man of my dreams the last time I put that burden down. Never mind that stereotypes are archaic and ridiculous.

While they shouldn't matter. While they're unrealistic. Stereotypes are powerful. According to Andrea Johnston in Girls Speak Out, "Here is what can happen: Most girls silence themselves between the ages of nine and sixteen; that is, they give up a part of who they are because they think it's necessary to do so to survive. They begin to act like a stereotype, a false idea of what it means to be female. Girls play the more feminine role that is based on the mistaken belief that females are weaker than males. There is a lot of pressure on girls to fit this stereotype rather than fight for their unique differences. For example, girls want to be thin, even anorexic or bulimic, because girls of different sizes and shapes are not as easily accepted. Carol Gilligan, one of the first researchers to study girls, describes the change in many girls as losing their different and unique voices. Instead of trusting themselves, girls may become uncertain and lose self-confidence." I know this has happened to me. More than once in my life. What has it held be back from becoming or doing? Who would I be if I were uninhibited? Is being different that bad?

However, there is hope. I'm rooting for the Dove Real Campaign for Beauty and when I make enough money or manage my money well enough to give to charity they're the first on my list. I hope desperately that their concept will work and that sooner rather than later women like me and little girls who come after us can let go of our albatross and get on with our lives. Save our energy for something really worthwhile.

It's My Birthday!

Well actually yesterday was my real birthday and it was fun. My honey took the day off of work so we could hang out and i finally got the George Foreman grill I've been longing for. As C says "it's the little things that make people happy."

Today however, was like a birthday celebration at work! I walked into my cubie to find a brand new printer. Yay! It's glorious. I used it all day. Then I learned that I have been upgraded to my very own office, where I am now sitting typinging this. And to top it off my honey came into town to go to lunch with my boss and a coworker of mine. All in all it was a good day. And I got a lot done.

This Is It?

Last night I had a melt down. I broke into tears on the way home from the max because the book I was reading was full of short essays by prolific women authors and all I could think of was "That was supposed to be me." I couldn't even make it up the stairs.

I cried my way to the library. I cried my way home. I cried my way to the mail box. I cried my way home. I cried when I opened my birthday card from my Aunt Doc, which said "May beautiful opportunities open up for you this year." (I sure hope they do, but at the rate my life has been moving along I doubt it.) I cried when I couldn't get on the internet. I managed to stop crying for The Simpsons and to eat dinner. I cried at One Tree Hill multiple times, but especially when the coach was talking about what to do when life doesn't turn out the way you expect it to. He said we shouldn't be bitter, but just accept the hand we're dealt.

I'm not convinced. There's got to be some in between. Some retaliation. So when I wake up in the morning and see that I've become everything I never wanted to be, I can stomp my foot down and scream!

But it shouldn't just stop there. I should be able to affect change. I should be able to reroute my life. Shouldn't I? How do I know when it's time to rebel and when to acquiesce?

My life has not turned out as I imagined it would. Do I just take it for what it is? Or do I stand up and fight? If I plan to duke it out, what am I duking? Who or what is the enemy here?

I Think I'm Officially Off the List

Not that I really mind. In fact, I'm kinda relieved, but it does sting a little. A couple of my coworkers are going out after work and I was invited. In the past it's been the two of them and me that always went out together or stay out together when everyone else has gone home. I heard them talking on the phone about making sure that "she knows she's going." At first I thought they meant me, but then I realized I hadn't been invited. The only thing I had been told about my potential involvement was that now I am "an old married woman who has to stay home and wait for my husband to get off work."

Truthfully, I've been trying to get out of going out with the guys all the time anyway so it's actually a good thing, but it's kinda sad to see the end of the era.
*laugh*

Deep Thoughts by Me

Now that I'm married, maybe I can get back to having a real thought in my head.

Current topic: Finances.

I have had more than one discussion about money lately. Granted it's a complex issue, but I think 25-35 is an especially interesting age--excluding retirement, which has it's own set of challenges.

During this phase I find that many of us are inclined to be self indulgent. To live it up as it were. And why shouldn't we? We are living! Unfortunately there are consequences. For example: lack of savings for trips, a new home, new snowboard, etc.

So I also find myself leaning to saving and planning for the future. Retiring, buying a house, traveling. Because I have a limited budget I find that this requires some planning. However, planning is not concidered living it up.

If we save so we can do what we want later, but that limits what we want to do now, do we lose out on life in the present? But if we don't prepare for later and live it up now, don't we lose in the future?

I can't help but think that there is a way to win on both ends, but I'm just not sure what that is.

We're Married

To Honeymoon Or Not To Honeymoon

We've planned a whirlwind of a honeymoon for right after the wedding. We fly from Spokane to Reno on Sunday. Visit Tahoe on Tuesday. Fly back to Spokane on Tuesday. Drive back to Portland Tuesday night. G goes back to work Wednesday. Whew! It makes me exhausted just to think about it. *laugh*

But to cancel means to pay at least $150. Not so sure I want to do that either.

23 Days!

I can't believe it's so close. I'm getting so excited. I think that everything is falling in place. It's going to be beautiful. G & I are going to be beautiful. We're going to have a great time. It's going to go by so fast!

A Tale of Two Income Brackets

Today I came across and article in the Daily Journal of Commerce, which I read often looking for real estate news that is important for myself and my colleagues, that left me with a sense of urgency and despair and yet still no direction.

Apparently the middle class is shrinking. In fact, the article said that duet to disappearing jobs and rising health care costs, "from 1980 to 2003, the number of households with middle-class incomes declined 7 percent; during the same time, poverty rates inched upward, with more than 1.1 million additional people living below the poverty level in 2004, according to the US Census Bureau." All I could think about was senior year in high school, Honors English, reading A Tale of Two Cities--"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way...."

I've been thinking of matters of finance for some time now. I've been trying to decide if I want to pursue a career with more money or a passion. Preferably, I would like a career which does both. My current position is comfortable, but I'm afraid I may not be able to afford to do all the things I want to do if I stay here, such as buy a house, travel, etc. Further, the fiance does not want to stay where he is forever. I will need to make more money at some point to make up for his loss of income when he changes careers until he can catch up again. Hmm...kinda makes me wish I were still in high school just reading about this stuff.

38 Days and Counting

Flower girl dresses are finally starting to come together. Fiance's outfit is still missing. Found a place to stay after the wedding. Now we need transportation. I am beginning to see why it is stressful. Up until now it has been relatively easy, with a few minor family squabbles over a few decisions. It's still easy, honestly. But I can see that it would be easy to get stressed about all the little details. My solution? Eliminate as many little details as possible.

Ole!

Last night I did something I've been wanting to do forever. I rode the mechanical bull at the Dixie downtown PDX! It's a great bar. Cheap beers served in the can. Cheap shots. Country rock theme without the cowboys. They did switch the music over to hip hop a little later in the evening which was a bit of a disappointment to the music buffs in our group. All in all it was a perfect way to celebrate the fact that I still fit in my wedding dress. Only 51 days to go!

52 Days to go!

Meeting with all the vendors was a totally success! Just a few last minute things to wrap up and we'll be good to go. I'm getting so excited to see it finally coming together.

Today I go to get my first fitting for my dress done! Hope it still fits.

62 Days and Counting

January 21 is quickly approaching. We're headed for Idaho this weekend to meet with the chef, the photographer, the florist and the hairdresser.

Choosing Channels

I found it interesting that last night I chose what channel to watch while working out at the gym by the commercials that appealed to me. I figured if I related to the commercials I would probably like the show that was on that channel, because I assumed that they were both trying to appeal to the same demographic. As far as I can remember I was right.

Elizabethtown

Today we went and saw a movie. For the first time in months. And I got to pick. In case you couldn't guess by the title it was Elizabethtown. It had a great cast and a great story. While I enjoyed all aspects of this movie. I was most touched by the emphasis on life and family and creativity. I recommend it.

Boredom

I'm so bored I'm watching a nature program about grizzly bears. I've known that I was nearing this point for quite some time, but this weekend it has become crystal clear.

The weirdest thing is that I have a lot going on. I'm planning my wedding which is two and a half months away. I work full time. I work out 4-5 days a week. I keep my house clean. I cook. I spend time with my friends. I'm part of a book club (although I didn't read the book last week). I'm wokring with some people from work on a extra ciricular actvity. I have my favorite shows on tv. I read magazines and books often.

And yet I find myself still bored. I think that part of my problem is that I have devoted all of my weekend time to my fiance and when he's busy working on projects and not paying attention to me I don't know what to do with myself. Thus I've decided that I need a hobby. My first attempt to fill this void will be knitting.

I know knitting still invokes a connotation of an old lady sitting in her plastic covered chair with dingy knitted pink booties and knitting tissue box covers, but trust me it's hip right now. We have some really hip stores in the pearl, but lessons and yarn there are pretty expensive so I'm going to start at Michaels and get my feet wet. Then graduate to the more elaborate yarns and patterns and some of these more fun stores.

I like that the hobby is portable and that it creates something useable that you can even give away as gifts. Maybe if you're lucky you'll get one of my new creations.

To Take His Name, Or Not To Take His Name?

That is the question.

I remember when my friends B and T were getting married and he said "I wouldn't marry her if she wouldn't take my name." I thought this was the most barbaric and sexist thing I had ever heard come out of B's mouth. I was appalled and determined that I would never find myself in that situation. No man was worth putting up with that kind of disrespect. I saw changing your name as a way of surrender to the man and that sounded horrible to me.

Later after I got engaged and my mom and aunt were asking if I would change my name and I confessed that I didn't think so it was for entirely different reasons. I liked being a part of my family. I like my last name and I don't like the idea of becoming assimilated into his family which is a little cooky to be quite honest. My aunt put it best when she said, "you want to become Mrs. (My fiance's first name), not Mrs. (My fiance's family name)."

But as W-day approaches I find myself toying with the idea of doing it anyway. It's as though by not changing my name I feel like I'm not officially married. But the few times that I've mentioned it to the man he seems to think I should keep my own name. Partially because he knows how important my independence has been to me and partially because he's had a little financial trouble in the past and feared that my taking on his name would affect my credit history negatively. Not to mention that it can be an expensive and time consuming hassle.

While I've joked that not changing my name will make it easier "if we get divorced" I can't help but feel that not changing my name is a bit like riding the fence. Committed ambiguity.

Marriage Education

Being engaged and planning a wedding is a very interesting process. At least for me it has inspired arguements, passion and creativity. So much thought goes into what kind of cake to have or what dress to wear or what song to dance to, but in the end I can't help, but think none of this matters in the long haul. None of this determines the health or longevity of a marriage.

Many people believe that finding your soul mate is the key, but I am not convinced. Infact, I once read in the April 2004 issue of Psychology Today pyschologist argue that "there's no such thing as compatability." For many people this thought is horrifying. Many of us belive that "remaining in a marriage that doesn't make you blissfully happy is an act of existential cowardice." But in reality, the article says, "feelings of dissatisfaction or disappointemet are natural, but they can seem intolerable when standards are sky-high." If this is true what is the key to a sucessful marriage?

According to a series on NPR many pyschologists believe the marriage education may be the ticket to saving couples from divorce. According to the website for Smart Marriages, the coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples education, "successful couples have the same number of
disagreements as the couples who divorce. Even more interesting, all couples disagree about all the same basic issues - money, kids, sex, housework, in-laws and time. The difference between successful and unsuccessful couples is how they handle their differences."

Pyschologist John Gottman is so good at noticing the things couples do wrong, he can predict marriage stability with 94% accuracy. The four horsemen he says, or the "four key problems that lead to divorce are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. And the worst of these? Contempt for a partner." But in recognizing this are we doomed. Is there now hope?

That's where marriage education comes in. Preferably psychologists want to catch couples while they are still happy and to give the the necessary skills that they say poor and rich alike are lacking when it comes to dealing with our differences. Advoactes of Smart Marriages "agree on one thing: marriage is more than a simple piece of paper, it's an institution that needs to be preserved."

Many of you know, either from reading this blog or from knowing my fiance and I that we are not the perfect couple. And while we have come a long way in our relationship with regard to healthy communication it looks as though we still have a long ways to go. Perhaps it's time for us to invest not only into our wedding, but into our marriage as well.

The Invitations Have Been Sent

Wedding invitations have been posted. We've even had two RSVPs one "regretfully decline" and one "accept gladly" (or whatever it says). Unfortunately, the accept came with no name on the line or return address. All we know is that two people with mail going through Spokane, WA are planning to attend. Perhaps we should have written the names in for them. Hmm...

First Business Trip Ever

I stayed at the Laquinta in room 324, or was it 326. I made sure to tell my SO just incase of emergency because that is what you do on business trips. Right? We even had dinner on the company, complete with drinks. I feel like a real working girl now.

Is It Just Me Or Is The Escalator Going The Wrong Way?

Yes. Yes it is. I walked into my building this morning and went to get on the escalator to ride it to my suite, but something was very wrong. I stood there for quite some time puzzling over the fact that the escalator seemed to be coming at me. I think I even went to step on it, but stopped short, fortunately.

It felt so odd to ride up the other side. For a second I thought maybe I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed and this was the way we normally go to get to the office and I was a bit embarrassed with my foolishness.

However, apparently a couple of coworkers had been watching me struggle with the change in my routine and one of them was waiting at the door to raze me about it. LOL.

I'm happy to know that I'm getting into a routine. I'm not very good at establishing them, but I feel much better when I have one. Yay!

Blind Man & Jesus Man

Today was the second time in a week that I had to give up my seat on the Max for a blind man. Two different men. Two different seats. Two different days.

While both instances resulted in strangers talking to me afterward, today's experience was the most eventful.

Riding the max before and after work is a much different experience than riding it on the weekend or during the middle of the day. Regular business riders are quite and polite and keep to themselves and their book of choice.

Every once and a while you'll get a talker or two and usually it's because they're not used to the routine. Today was one of those days. It started shortly after I got on this morning at my usual time in my usual place when "Jesus Man" struck up a conversation with "First-Leg-Of-The-Trip-Man" who has a son in the Army who is going to Iraq soon.

Fortunately this conversation died down quickly after a couple "that's politics for you" statements. So us regulars thought the interruption was averted.

That's when I sat down, only to be told I had to stand up again so that "Blind Man" could sit in my place. Why is it always my seat lately? I was really looking forward to that one too.

Although I didn't really mind moving it was the talking that insued after the move that was upsetting. I was really enjoying my book The Other Side of the Story (thanks Paige) by Marian Keyes, but it was hard to talk as "Blind Man" complained about work and school being so much pressure that he might explode and "Jesus Man" consoling him with the concept of bed time prayers. Thank God "Blind Man" got off at 4th street.

Then "Believer Girl" piped up. Actually she got up and went over to "Jesus Man" and said "You're a believer aren't you?" They proceeded to discuss where they went to church and then she said "Thanks for letting your light shine" as she walked away. Meanwhile the rest of us regulars hesitantly looked at each other (as eye contact is another non-regular event) and rolled our eyes in unison.

When I was telling this story to Terra it seemed very funny. As I'm writing it seems to have lost some of the humor. My apologies.

It's snowing!

Well it's snowing in Salt Lake where my friend Adara lives, which has little to do with me except that I feel like my life is being hit by a blizzard right now! Isn't it funny how everything happens at once?

We're moving into a new apartment on the 19th, which is a Wednesday and we have to be out of our old apartment on the 21st which is a Friday and the fiance and I work opposite schedules (me days, him nights). We're squeezing it into these two days so that we won't have to pay rent on both apartments for the month of October.

To remedy the problem of not being able to carry heavy things alone I took the 21st off and yesterday he went to work only to find out that the Jetta had a flat tire which will probably need to be replaced and when he finally got to the shop he discovered he has to report to his job at 7am on the morning of the 21st!

Last Friday he discovered that the tail pipe fell of the Mazda so the muffler back on that vehicle will also need to be replaced. *Laugh*

When it snows it snows! But it sure is pretty.

So What's Next?

I wonder if it is just human nature to constantly be on the move. Constantly looking toward the next stepping stone. Or maybe it's just us.

We haven't even had the wedding yet and we're already trying to decide what should come after. Who will go to school where and when? Where will we live? Where will we work? What will our lives be like? On some levels this is probably wise to start planning before hand, but regardless it is not easy.

Is it just me or is there so much growth happening in our 20s that the concept of a comfort zone seems unbelievably far fetched. Oddly enough I had begun to think my life had reached a plateau and then bam! the future discussions began...

After All That

After coming up with a name, convincing the fiance to keep him and taking him to get his first two rounds of shots the cat ran away yesterday. Good-bye Mr. Bones. Good luck!

Princess for a day

I must admit I have been quite hesitant about getting to excited about the wedding. I don't want to be one of those idiot brides who stomps on everyone else to be a princess for a day only to find out that real life is no fairy tale and her real man is no prince charming. But yesterday I succumed and I loved it.

While walking by Jessica McClintock during the Race for the Cure my soon to be sister-in-law and I noticed this dress (G don't click on this link) in the window. After the race I dragged her back to the boutique so I could try the dress on.

Although it wasn't quite the right size it was smashing! I looked and felt like a snow fairy princess. So despite the previous challenge of finding the J. Crew dress I am returning the unopened box and purchasing the snow fairy princess dress right away!

I did face the let down as well when I got home after dress shopping. While the unexpectedly large credit card bill was upseting, what really got me was when I went inside because I was hungry to make dinner and start the homemade dog biscuits from the spent grain leftover after Gabe made beer. Despite the fact that he had asked me to make dinner because he was hungry he did not come inside until 2 hours after I told him dinner was ready. In the meantime I got so hungry I couldn't stop eating the dog biscuit dough...which sounds worse than it really was. Followed by taking the dog out to poop in the field I came back to the house a red slobbery mess of tears. Poor Prince Charming had no idea what hit him.

Danke

Today is a blessed day. Today I found the perfect pair of black pants!

I'd like to thank you for your support. I couldn't have done it without my friend T who patiently waited for me as I tried on a plethora of black pants at a variety of different stores. Nor could I have done it with out the expert advice of my friend Paige who directed me to Express. Loves it! I'd like to thank my friend Martha for empathising with me in my time of need. At lastly, I'd like to thank Perky at the Express store and his sidekick Blondie who directed me to the Correspondent and helped me find the dressing rooms.

The Hunt for Black Pants

As fall approaches it seems as if it is nature's way of saying, "It's time to update your wardrobe." Having been inspired by an episode of "What not to Wear: Where are they now" on Saturday and a recent article in Real Simple, I am on the hunt for the perfect pair of black pants. And when I find them, which I will, I will buy them in charcoal and chocolate too.

However, this is not as easy as it looks. According to the article the perfect pair of pants for me is at Kohl's, but we don't have those out here. Also, said pants have an elastic waist band. I would like to believe that I am still too young for that.

You would think that having your office building attached to a mall would help, but I've been striking out there too. I have yet to search Meir & Frank and Nordstrom's.

Not only is the way the pants fit my body important. I also want them to fit my pocket book. I'm tempted to stop by Old Navy because they tend to have cute stuff for an affordable price, but I find that their clothes wear out from washing way too quickly. I want something that will last at least until winter, but more than one season would be fabulous.

These are the dilemmas of my life. I realize that they are very superficial and light compared to the trials that other women face such as losing family members in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina or war. For this I am thankful and just a twinge guilty.

To DJ or not to DJ?

That is the question at hand. We were completely content to be the modern budget conscious bride and groom that this story refers to, but the lodge where we are having the wedding doesn't have the right equipment to work with the iPod. Therefore we would have to rent a PA system. Not to mention buy the iPod. Plus buy and download all the music. The average DJ in the town where we are getting married runs $450 for 4 hours of play time. It's beginning to look like we could easily spend the same on our own makeshift system.

However, when I talked to my fiance today he said that it is not the price he's worried about (unlike my dad), but the cheesy jokes and the cheap suited man bossing us around. I personally think that a DJ would simplify things and keep the reception moving.

Is it worth the extra effort and possibly cash to keep my groom happy?

Giving Props!

For those of you who have read this blog before, you know that I have a tendency to analyze my relationship which often results in whining or commiserating about my love life. But this time I have something positive to say about my fiance. We are getting married after all. I figure it can't hurt to bring up one of his positive characteristics once in a while.

Anyway the point is that yesterday he took initiative with regard to the wedding plans. He actually called his dad to discuss the rehearsal dinner and called the golf course to reserve lodging and ask a few other questions. Keep in mind that I did not ask him to do this. He did this of his own accord! Yay!

Dogs in the Dark

Ok...Is it just me or is it a sign that you know your dog too well if you can find and pick up it's poop in the dark?

Cats Like Water?

My kitten has taken to drinking out of the dog's water dish which is more like a kiddy pool for the kitten. It's so big and high off the ground that he has to stand on his back feet and put his front feet into the water to get any on his tongue. So I didn't think anything of it when he came into the kitchen with his face and front paws so dripping wet he kept sprinkling me with droplets.

But later I was sitting on the couch and I turned around to find him wading and splashing in the water dish. He kinda looked like he was getting ready to pee in it so I grabbed him out of the dish. There was water everywhere. All over the wall. All over the floor. All over the kitten.

All that water gave me a great idea. "Shadow (his unofficial name) must have been in the water dish getting wet because he feels dirty and wants a bath." So I took him over to the kitchen sink and proceeded to thoroughly soak him and then lather him with dish soap. He really didn't seem to mind any of this until I went to rinse him off again. Yowza!

Apology Unacceptable

Am I the only person that apologizes even when I didn't do anything wrong? Today I walked around the corner into a solid looking angry woman who grunted when we met. I said "Ooo...Excuse me." She said, "Uh-huh."

As I was walking away I thought "Why did I excuse myself? She was on my side of the hallway."

One More Thing

Hmmm...I hesitate to admit this but I was watching a rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond about Debra during PMS last night to pass the time until Veronica Mars started. When the show ended I was left feeling confused and conflicted.

Albeit she got a bit out of control and irate, but I couldn't help but think that her frustration was justified. I realize that they have arranged it so that he works and she takes care of the house and the kids, but come on! That doesn't mean that he can't put his dirty underwear in the hamper instead of on the kitchen floor, which was one of the reasons she was angry.

I know this is just a TV show, but I also know that these situations take place in real life. How do I know you ask? Because they happen at our house all the time. Granted we have no such arrangement. We both work so it is a little different, but the concept is similar.

For instance, I asked my fiance to vacuum the floor the other day and he did it (except he didn't do the stairs, but I'm trying to let that go). So I said thank you. The fact that I have to ask him to do such things, however is kinda frustrating in and of itself. I know he did chores when he was growing up and he can tell the difference between a clean house and a dirty one.

But the topic that I chose to discuss with him was the lack of "thank yous" I get for doing domestic chores. Particularly because the night before I had gone grocery shopping and made two entrees for him to take in his lunches or eat for dinners as well as chocolate cupcakes. Anytime I notice that he has done something domestic I try to say thank you, except for maybe when he empties the dishwasher. Maybe because it happens so frequently.

Anyway, my point is that in my mind he doesn't thank me because his understanding is that these are my responsibilities because I am the woman. However, I thank him because he, being a man, doesn't "have" to do these things. I understand where these ideals come from, but I can't help but think they are antiquated. If we are modern enough to live together before being married aren't we modern enough to be in a relationship that respects that we both work equal hours, we both dirty the house and we are both able to clean it?

Are You Kidding Me?

I found myself highly irritated last night when I had to wait for Veronica Mars to start. I know this is silly. Normally I would be so desperate, but for some reason it was the only thing I could think of that I wanted to do apart from going to sleep. So having to wait until 9pm for the show to even start was not my idea of a good evening.

However, the real kicker was that the reason I had to wait was that UPN has scheduled
R U the Girl? with T-boz and Chili at 8pm. Ugh! Not another reality show about girls back stabbing each other to get to the top of the charts.

It seems to me that teenage girls would be far better served by watching a show that teaches them to stand up for themselves and for other people and to not let other people's opinions hold you back from pursuing your passions. Not to mention the other lessons on morality and community.

Designated Drivers

While waiting impatiently for Veronica Mars to start last night I saw the "You Drink. You Drive. You Lose." commercial a few times. I personally like this commercial and have found it conversation worthy on more than one occasion.

For those of you who haven't seen the commercial I will briefly summarize it. Three different drivers pull up to police officers in various situations and confess that they have been drinking and should not be driving. Then the narrator comes on to say that this never happens in real life so the only way to stop drunk driving is to crack down. So no matter who you are, if you drink and drive you will get busted. I find this message to be highly effective.

I did, however, notice that while the message might have stuck with me it may not apply to me because the drivers were all men. Incidentally, the police were also all men. I couldn't help but wonder if National Highway Traffic Safety Administration did this on purpose, because statistically most drunk drivers are males.

Going On Two Weeks

I'm going on two weeks of working out at my new gym and I'm lovin' it. Granted it's not easy to get myself up and out of bed at 5am, but once I'm movin' it's worth it.

The trickiest part has been getting my sleep schedule down. Until today I've been waking up, working out, going home getting ready for work, and then catching the Max only to fall asleep as soon as I can find a seat. Then I hunt for coffee first thing when I get to the office (decaf, but still...this is a new habit for me). After lunch I run to the Sundry store to by a diet soda to help me make it through the slump. I usually fall asleep again on the ride home. Then I get home and run around until 11pm.

But it's after 10am and I haven't had to make a coffee run yet. I didn't fall asleep on the max. I've hardly even yawned. What's my secret? Beer. It's true. I drank one beer last night over the period of an hour so when 10pm rolled around I was ready to hit the hay. Just relaxed enough to fall asleep and not wake up again until my alarm went off at 4:50am. I slept so well I practically bounded out of bed.

Had I imbibed more than one, I probably would have been dragging so I think the key is moderation. One is enough to help me relax and sleep well without feeling drained the next day.

P.S. I may be imagining things, but I swear my abs feel like they're getting more toned. Yay!

It's Like Murder She Wrote

Ok. It's official. Veronica Mars on UPN is my new most favorite TV show. She's like the Angela Lansbury of the 21st century. She's cute and witty and just a touch bitter. Sure the show is probably geared for teenagers--she wanders around her high school halls snapping pictures and solving crimes, for heaven's sake--but I can't help it. I love it.

Last night I was glued to the TV for the entire hour. No getting up at commercial breaks to do the dishes or sweep the floor. I stayed. I didn't want to miss a minute.

Each episode involves it's own petty crime that takes place at the school, but also through each episode we watch as Veronica hunts down her best friends murderer, which resulted in her father losing his job, her mother running away and her friends turning their backs on her. But she's scrappy and she just keeps digging.

Fortunately for me there is always a little romance that weasels it's way into the episodes to keep hopeless saps like me hooked. Speaking of...Oh my gosh can any one else believe that she kissed Logan last night?

Lack of Thought

It feels as though it's been a while since I've had any thoughts deeper than "How do I trim my waist for my wedding?" and "What should I name my new kitty?" Truthfully this is kinda nice. Usually my mind feels like it's going a thousand miles a minute questioning everything.

This is not to say that I haven't exposed myself to thoughtful material. Thanks to book club and some friendly suggestions by a coworker.

I recently finished Purple Hibiscus by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. I definitely recommend this read if you like books about other cultures. It tackles life in the country of Nigeria comparing the affluent to the less fortunate, while tackling the clash between traditional religious beliefs with those of the Catholic missionaries and the different interpretations of both. Among many other topics of course.

I also read Being Committed by Anne Maxted which was a quick girly read that tackles the topics of emotional intimacy in a fun and endearing way.

I'm currently reading Freakonomics. I'll tell you what I think when I finish it.

New Member of the Family

I am pleased to welcome the unnamed kitty above to our family. Bailey (the dog), on the other hand, is not sure what to make of it as you can see.

First Day at School

Ok...So it's not really school, but today was my first day of SuperSet and boy did I get my butt kicked. I can best describe it as a combination of step aerobics, free weights and circuit training. All muscle groups are worked in intervals of 3 minutes. All of this left me purple and sweaty and sprawled on my step about 30 minutes in to the workout. You'll be happy to know that I rested briefly and got back into the rhythm in time to work on my triceps and my abs and finish out the class with some grace.

I have to hand it to the 3 other ladies who are at least as old as my mom if not older who barely broke a sweat. Needless to say...I'll be pacing myself at the next class on Saturday. It occurred to me after the class that this is exactly what I need...Something to make me actually exert myself. A couple more months of this and I should hardly recognize myself. I can't wait to be buff for the wedding.

The Other Half

The other half of the hesitation that I neglected to mention yesterday is the lurking question floating in my conscious "does it really matter?" Does the way I look or the percent of fat on my body really matter in the long run? Does it help me develop more fulfilling relationships, advance further in my career or enjoy my free time more? According to Sean the fitness counselor I spoke with last night it does. And I'm not totally sure why, but I'm inclined to believe him.

As it stands my life is good. I have a comfortable home, a fantastic fiance, a wonderful variety of friends, supportive parents, an adorable dog, an eye-opening book club, a newly started creative writing club, and a challenging (but not too stressful) job. I'm busy but not too busy. In fact, most parts of my life seem to be well balanced. And yet something seems to be off still and I can only think that it is this nagging desire to get in shape.

I guess we'll see, eh? I did go ahead and take the plunge yesterday so I'm already for my first SuperSet class tomorrow at 5:30 am. And I ordered "Small Changes, Big Results" from the library yesterday too. So as I continue to get in shape I'll keep you posted as to if it changes the my overall satisfaction with my life.

P.S. Paige, I'm looking forward to a tennis match and after we play we can go swimming in our pool. :)

Food for Thought

Sometimes I can't say what I am thinking and then I find a writer who says it for me. Thank you BBC. This exact scenario is what is holding me back from joining a gym. And yet...I may just take the plunge anyway.

Read at your leisure.

Joining the Club

I'm one of those people who has always wanted someone else's body. I've tried Atkins, LA Weightloss and Weight Watchers. I've tried running 5k races and doing yoga at 105F. I've even resorted to lifting weights in the clubhouse at my apartment complex. Now I realize that none of these will make me grow 3" or turn my hair blonde. It has occurred to me that I am stuck with what I've got. And truthfully I don't think it's all that bad. It just needs a little work.

So I'm thinking about joining a gym. Actually I've been thinking about joining a gym for a while, but with all the fees (the enrollment fee, the processing fee, dues) it is not a decision I've taken lightly.

On one hand, it seems to me that if I really wanted to get in shape badly enough I would have done it by now. What's wrong with the little gym at complex? Isn't the nature park good enough for a cardio workout? But on the other hand neither of these seem to be cutting the mustard. So maybe I do need something more. Maybe I need the place to go, maybe I need the training, maybe I need the camaraderie of a workout buddy or the coaching of a group-x class instructor.

Perhaps this will be another failed attempt, but maybe not. Maybe this time...I'll get the combination right. Although my first instinct is always to ask for perfection, my true desire is to find balance and health. I want to feel good about my body. I want to feel strong and energetic. I want to create a lifestyle of activity. I want to make goals and actually reach them this time. Oh...And I want to look hawt on my wedding day! Wish me luck.

Survival of the fittest

Ok. So I know go for lengths of time without blogging, but eventually I come back, usually after no more than a couple of weeks. But I've put links to a few people's sites on my blog who never update and eventually I give up on them. Is that so wrong? At what point is it ok to cut their link off?

I just hacked a couple today, which i would have loved to see keep writing, but they were giving me nothing. So sad.

I Did It!

For those of you who have been around long enough, you might remember that my blog was founded with much trepidation. I'm not a techy and I know that that fact in many blogger minds makes my blog useless and unorthodox, but that's beside the point. The real point is that I overcame my fear of unknown technology and learned how to blog. And I liked it.

Today I followed suit, by helping myself find the answer to a question concerning Outlook 2003. I looked and looked through the drop down menus for the option I wanted and I just couldn't find it. Normally I would have given up and asked IT to help me, but not today. Today I did what they do when they don't know the answer to one of my questions. I looked it up in the help section. And I found the answer and I solved my own issue. Yay for me! I am once again a woman of independent means.

Official Overreactor

o·ver·re·ac, intr.v. o·ver·re·act·ed, o·ver·re·act·ing, o·ver·re·acts
To react with unnecessary or inappropriate force, emotional display, or violence.

It's official. I'm an overreactor. I'm sulky and childish when i don't get my own way. Example: Yesterday was beautiful and sunny and all I really wanted was to go to the beach, but that wasn't happening so I was willing to settle for the pool. The plan was to go the grocery store, rearrange the garage and then go swimming. In my mind we'd be pool side by 3pm at the latest. Turns out we didn't get there until 9pm.

So when my fiance suggested going to the pool and we got into our swim suits and then he stopped to play on the computer for I few minutes I was livid. I sulked on the couch for a few minutes until i couldn't take it anymore and I stomped up the stairs, past him in the hall and changed back into my regular clothes.

Eventually he coaxed me back into my bathing suit and down to the pool. I knew I was being a child, but I really wanted to be angry at him. To make him pay for making me wait. Wow! That's really loving isn't it? Not!

Reverted

Last night I did what used to be one of my most favorite things in the entire world when I was in high school. I watched "The Real World: Austin." And much to my surprise I liked it. He. He. I watched three episodes in a row.

Who says I can't believe in fairy tales?

My friend and I recently had a e-mail discussion about the fallacy of Prince Charming. She's under the impression that he's still out there and therefore believes that since I am disillusioned with this concept I must be with the wrong guy. I must be doing the dreaded deed of "settling." Ack! The horror!

Anyway, I informed her that it is not that I don't believe in fairy tales, it just that I'm more inclined to identify with Shrek and Fiona than Cinderella and the Prince. And frankly I feel this is a more realistic ideal.

I spent my whole life waiting to be rescued and magically turned into a princess, but what I found when I found my man was something better. I found someone who saw the ogre in me and loved me even more. Someone who loved me for me and never asked me to be "a somebody," but to just be happy. And to order Chinese food when he's too hungry to decide. And to volunteer at beer festivals to get free admission and a cool t-shirt. And to go to beer meetings and taste mead for him. And to stay up until 2am and bottle beer with him. And to drill holes in the bed of a early bronco in order to attach the roll cage. And to drive topless in a jeep wrangler to the beach (no I wasn't topless, the jeep was). And a whole lot of other things that I resisted, but now that I look back I find I'm richer for the experience.

Oh and I found that I always was a princess. I didn't need a prince to tell me that.

Vanity II

It occured to me after my friend Paige commented on my recent blog concerning sculpting foam that I should have ended the entry with gratitude rather than criticism. The truth is I'm really fortunate to have such wonderful friends who like me for who I am. Thank you!

What I like about him

So it's dawned on me on more than one occasion that I often find myself in conversations with my friends and relatives about our partners. (Perhaps because I am obsessed with this thing we call love, but that's beside the point.) What I find interesting about this trend is that it is seems to be much more common to complain about our SOs than it is to praise them. I can't remember the last time I publicly praised my fiance (probably just after he proposed, which was in January).

And the obvious question is why is this the case? Is it simply easier to be negative? Is it more socially acceptable? If we talk about the positive are we bragging? Are we by human nature concerned that if we overlook the negative more often and focus on the positive that we are in danger of emotional let down? Are we conditioned to grow bitter as we converse until we get so fed up we get divorced?

It seems to me that we get so caught up in trying to compromise or make it work or get our own way that we forget why we got into the relationship in the first place. In the majority of situations, we hopped onto the relationship roller coaster because there was something we liked about the person who was asking us to sit in the seat next to them.

I know. I know. You're thinking I liked him/her then, but the person I'm with now is nothing like that. Chances are there still a few of those original attractive character traits underneath the coffee slurping and the incessant snoring.

So I say, "let's all take a day to remember what it is that we like about our partners." To help you out I have provided a list of things that I came up with that I like about my fiance. It is as follows:
He's smart.
He's funny.
He's spontaneous.
He's fun-loving.
He's playful.
He's goofy.
He's sweet.
He's sensitive.
He's manly.
He's strong.
He's sexy.
He's romantic.
He's loving.
He's responsible.
He's tall.
He's strong.
He's fast.
He's intuitive.
He's sexy.
He's energetic.
He's productive.
He's creative.
He's clever.
He's adventurous.

That aught to get you started. Have fun and enjoy your mate for a day, or two, or a lifetime.

Vanity

Ok. I'm 26 years old, which is old enough to have had quite a few different hair dos and of course my fair share of hair don'ts. From the mullet in 6th grade to the pixie cut my senior year in high school, I've had quite a few hair adventures--the majority of which were not sans some kind of hair care product. That's what makes this recent debacle so disconcerting.

I've recently been trying to grow my hair out for the wedding and honestly it's been hell; especially lately. I wake up in the morning, take a shower, put on my make-up and blow dry my hair. Trust me it me it looks good when I leave the bathroom (or at least I think it does), but, by the time I get to work it will be going in 72 different directions and look like I don't give a damn, which is just not true, I'm far to vain for that.

And then yesterday it dawned on me. Why not buy some mousse? Pomade obviously hasn't been cutting it and texture paste was a greasy disaster. So I bought a small bottle of Paul Mitchell's Medium Hold conditioning mousee and tried it out this morning. Not only did it smell good enough to eat, it actually helped my hair look better after I blew it dry than it normally does and it stayed that way all day. Even after I put my hair behind my ears! Stupendous! Why this idea hadn't occurred to me earlier I don't know.

I almost wish someone had taken me aside and said, "Now don't take this the wrong way, but maybe some mousse and a blow dryer would help that hair do out." It's kinda like having spinach stuck in your teeth and giving a presentation and no one tells you until the end. Or like the time that I went to Harvey's Comedy club and the comedian's fly was down and it kept getting lower and lower and no one said anything for like 15 minutes to a half an hour. It was so uncomfortable. I know that my hair is no one else's responsibility, but shesh! Help a girl out once in a while will ya?

It's All About The Attitude

So, I'm reading Night Swimming by Robin Schwarz and it's interesting. The heroine is fat...253 pounds to be exact. At least at the beginning of the book, but after she is diagnosed with terminal cancer and one year to live, she quits her job and moves to Hollywood where she buys an apartment in a complex with a kidney shaped pool and begins to swim every night. Her nightly swims lead to a release of all her harbored emotional trauma from growing up in a small town as well as her losing 175 pounds. In the mean time she falls in love with the pool guy who begins to reciprocate those feelings once she reaches 150, but don't worry she doesn't stop there...she keeps losing weight.

Anyway, as far fetched as the story might be, the author had me until today when I realized that she has made a connection between getting your life together and losing weight and personally...I beg to differ. I happen to know plenty of thin people who do not have their ducks in a row. They don't think positive all the time. They aren't completely self aware. They are not emotionally superior human beings.

Why can't fat just be fat and emotional superiority be emotional superiority. Like Dr. Phil says when dealing with finances you're only dealing with finances. Maybe when dealing with food, you are only dealing with food. Life is difficult and challenging for lots of us. I don't think that it is any less difficult if you are thin. We all have our vices. Why should I have to get my whole life together in order to be my ideal weight? Harrumph.

What? Did I stutter?

I've read that when a woman tells her man that he's doing something that makes her unhappy and suggests a way to alleviate the issues he believes that she is being helpful, but the man does not see it this way at all. In the man's mind she is nagging. Subsequently he tunes her out, regardless of how astute her observation may be. In Chuck Snyder's books Incompatibility: Still Grounds For A Great Marriage and Men: Some Assembly Required, he says that our only hope is to cross our fingers and pray that some other man will come along and give our man the same advice that we did. Because when this happens our man will be struck by the other man's genius (originally the woman's genius mind you) and possibly even motivated to change.

Personal Example:

My fiance has a fast metabolism. He comes from a long line of tall slender men. He is built exactly like his father who is built exactly like his father. No matter what my fiance eats he remains approximately the same size (except in the summer he looses 10 pounds from the heat). I am very jealous of this trait of his, but that is beside the point.

This seemingly physical perfection does not come without it's price. If he's not careful his blood sugar will drop drastically and, as one friend who has a similar situation stated, he will be "possessed by the demon." He becomes irritable and introverted and often refuses to eat at this point. Argh!

So here's the interesting part. I've been telling him for the three years that we've been dating that this is an issue. Furthermore he knows it's an issue himself. Often times when he is cranky and irritable (which I take personally and feel hurt) he cites hunger as a reason. So he's not oblivious of this correlation, but that doesn't mean he's changed his approach or attitude in anyway.

And then he's tells his dad a story in which "hunger made him act like a jerk" and his dad says, "I knew this guy who was hypoglycemic. Maybe you are too." Now he gets it. Now he thinks, "Maybe I should go to the doctor and get tested. Maybe I should think about changing the way I eat." Grrr! I know I should be happy because he might actually do something about this behavior now, but seriously, I spent three frustrated years trying to beat this logic into his brain.

Sidenote:

I'm not entirely convinced that he will do much of anything though. He seems to like to be able to blame his negative traits on "his disorder." First I tell him that he has to get diagnosed by a doctor to have a disorder and second he's gonna have to change his diet. I think he tuned me out already. Maybe his dad will tell him. I can only hope.

Talking to Strangers

Apparently I have a sign that says "Please Talk To Me" on my forehead that only crazy people can read. Ok some sane strangers approach me for directions now and then, but usually it's just the crazy people.

Yesterday I was head down reading my book Blink (which is really interesting and I recommend if you're interested in the power of your subconscious) on the Max on the way to work(our city's electric train system), when this 50 year old guy interrupts me to ask me what I'm reading. I mean seriously...What is this?

I don't speak. I only show him the cover and he proceeds to talk to me about it. I proceed to try and ignore him politely and read my book. Subsequently, I learned that he had supposedly been in the military and suffered a major brain injury which took a year to heal and required extensive plastic surgery to make him look normal again, as well as receiving a bullet to the gut which rendered him in 9 hours of pelvic surgery, during which he experienced a post death experience and boy was he mad when they brought him back.

These events destroyed his chance at making a career out of the military, which was his dream. He also informed me that 95% of the things we do in our lives are dictated by the compulsive subconscious and his sister is living proof of that because she loves to shop and isn't happy unless she's spending money. This behavior puts her house and family at risk.

Honestly, it sounded like a crazy person in disguise repeating a week of Jerry Springer episodes. And this is when I thought, what's a girl to do? I don't want to be rude, but I really just want to read my book.

No offense to my favorite colleagues who frequent this blog from time to time, but this strange phenomena can be seen at work too. For the most part I think I try very hard to focus on my work and mind my own business. It's not that I don't like other people, it's just that I don't mind doing my own thing. This probably comes from being an only child and having to learn how to get along alone.

Anyway, I share a communal space with three men who are trainers so they are often out teaching class, but at the odd chance they are actually at their desks and it happens to be just me and one of them (I don't leave my desk very often except to go to the Lou or to get snacking) they inevitably sigh and embark in drawing me out in conversation.

Why? I don't know. It's got to be painful for them. They all know I tune out the majority of what they say. I forget to respond at all the right parts and often have no idea what they were talking about when they're finished, which I demonstrate by asking an ill timed totally off track question. And yet they continue to attempt.

I don't get it. It's like the more I resist, the more they want to talk to me.

Midlife Crisis

I've heard that we actually have more than one mid life crisis. I think I can identify with that. I'm not even 30 yet and I can look back and see multiple times where I've stopped to rethink my definition of myself and/or my desired path to the future me. Now is another one of those times.

I'm nearing the end of my first year at my first "real" job after college and as I look back I'm wondering, am I happy here? Is this what I expected? Is this the kind of life I want 5 years from now? Is it a stepping stone to that life?

Post graduation I developed this theory that there are two lines of logic to follow when choosing a career path: a)you have certain lifestyle aspirations outside of work and you need a job that will provide the income level required to sustain that lifestyle or b)your work is your life so you choose a job that is exciting and fulfilling and your life outside of work enriches you to do your job (with this choice comes the natural notion that you will choose to live within your means, whatever that may be based on your career).

Granted there are a lot of people who do not think about their life work in this way. They work because that is what adults do. They take the jobs they can get and they buy what they can buy with the money they make from these jobs or the credit cards they get offered in the mail.

Truthfully, I always thought I'd find myself in some combination of both and in many ways I have. Although I'm finding out quickly that I am not happy to stay here in the middle and would prefer to choose one path over the other.

I keep asking myself, "where do I see myself in 5 years?" and for the first time in a long time, I'm not sure. On one hand I see myself in a small mountain town helping my fiance run a pub and on the other hand I see myself getting my five years of experience and moving up in the world of communications, all the while writing on the side and working toward being published, as well as paying of my student loans, saving to buy a house and go on our honeymoon to New Zealand or Fiji.

I think that in either scenario I could be happy and unhappy. Each one has it's limitations and it's freedoms. In many ways it's a matter of choice. In the past I might have thought that one was right and one was wrong, but I'm no longer convinced that life is quite that black and white. Naturally, life will throw it's curve balls, sliders and change ups, which ever choice I make, whether I'm ready for it or not.

A Follow Up

My friend terra sent me this site of fun archaic words in the English language, Luciferous Logolepsy. Peruse at your leisure.

Neologisms

My friend Gerry and I both like to discover new words. Quite honestly, I like to make my own words up whenever I get a chance, so I was pleased when my friend Stephanie forwarded me the list of words created for the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational.

Apparently they asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. I'm only including the one's I find entertaining. Hope you enjoy!

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Big Nerd

Today my friend Terra and I went to Trade Secret to look at nail polish during our lunch break. She kept tripping over her tongue and saying silly things so I started to laugh and then I let out a big snort. We had to leave because I couldn't stop laughing and she said, “You’re a big dork. You just snorted.” And I paused briefly and realized that she was right and it’s about time that I accepted it.

Mommy...wow! I'm a big kid now!

Um...attention all loyal readers. You may remember my first blog about my hesitancy toward blogging because I was intimidated by the internet and the software. Well...I've come a long way baby! You'll notice in the blog immediately before this one that I successfully managed to add a functional link to the body of the blog that opens in its own window. I'm so proud of myself I'm glowing.

The Dress

So the dress I ordered came in time for my mom and dad to see me try it on while they were here visiting and they hate it. They say it is too plain. I like it. I like that it is plain. It's made of beautiful silk fabric and lays nicely and has a flattering A-line shape, but is not too full or too heavy. It's not too sparkly or lacey. It's not to expensive or cheap. It is right in the middle. And it's comfortable. And it has no train. Yay!

My mom says, "We can work with it." She means accessorize. I wonder, "am I not 'beautiful' enough that I need a sparkly dress to help?" Perhaps. Can't I just wear sparkly shoes? I love sparkly shoes, but not sparkly dresses. Hmmm...

I think my dad will kill me when he finds how much it costs now that he's seen how plain it is. He won't understand about the importance of the fabric. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's not the right dress. Maybe I'm just too afraid to make any kind of statement. Maybe I just need to suck it up and dare myself to wear something with beads and/or lace on it.

But that means I have to go to another dress shop. Yuck! I like it. I really do. But I hate the idea of my parents being disappointed because I am to plain and all my relatives and thinking, "Wow! That dress is so plain." Everyone says you have to find the dress that fits, but I'm not sure that in this case I should take them literally. I'm so confused. My heart shouts, "I love this dress!" and my mind says, "You could be making a huge mistake!" (Ah. The similarities between the dress hunt and the man hunt always amaze me.)

FYI to view the dress click here.