Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Jumping off the Diving Board

Recently, I visited a friend in Salt Lake City, Utah who got remarried. We all went to a water park near her house for one of the days. We played on the slides and in the kiddie pool and soaked up as much sun as we could get.

And then I saw it. The diving board. I hadn't been on a diving board in years. It was calling me. I resisted at first, but then finally gave in.

As I nervously stood in line I tried to visualize what I would do for a dismount. I decided on a jacknife. It seemed the most simple and safe option.

I thought deciding to approach the diving board alone, with my friend's whole family watching me was hard, but when I got on top of the board my stomach sank. I wanted to turn and run. It was much higher up than I had anticipated, but I went ahead and followed through with my jump. It was exhilerating! I was tempted to do it again, but decided to wait for another time.

Similarly, getting a divorce wasn't an easy decision for me. It's taken me years to get to this point.

I tried to keep the disorder of my relationship a secret for as long as I could from most of the world. I was embarrassed and didn't want to admit that I had made a mistake. I didn't want people to know what a mess I had become either. So doing this now, with everyone I know watching is a lot like making my decision to jump off the diving board.

I feel as though I'm walking the plank. House hunting has brought the reality of my decision to light and it's scary. Sometimes I think, maybe I can turn back, but I know I can't. I've got to go forward and jump. All I can hope is that I make a big beautiful splash and I don't injure myself or anyone else in the process.