Thursday, May 26, 2005

The Essay

Ok. So I want to write an essay for the Conversely Anecdote Essay Competition. It’s due June 30 and I’m running out of time.

I’m not sure what to write about I thought about writing about soul mates but it’s been done. Then I thought about comfortability, but I don’t exactly know how I would approach that. I wonder what they are all about...relationships? I could talk about getting married, but I could never compare to what Susan Jane Gilman and Psychology Today have written.

I need to pick a story. A good one. Like getting sick at the dress shop. Or maybe I could pick compatibility and talk about the kilt or the dinner at Oba.

Or maybe I could talk about how everybody craves intimacy, but it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Or maybe I could talk about ‘all the work.' Like if you don’t own up to the fact that a relationship is a lot of work then you’re a stupid pansy, but if you do then you’re depressed because it seems like there is no point in pursuing a relationship because who wants to work at it all the time.

Perhaps, the only reason we end up in relationships is because of the pink fluffy cloud stage. Is it possible that the pink fluffy cloud stage doesn’t end for some people? If it ends for everyone, then how does one know if he or she is in the right relationship? Or is the point supposed to be that at that stage you’re already so invested in the relationship that you can't leave? Perhaps that is it.


Main Entry: 1sharp
Pronunciation: 'shärp
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English scearp; akin to Old High German scarf sharp and perhaps to Old English scrapian to scrape -- more at SCRAPE
1 : adapted to cutting or piercing: as a : having a thin keen edge or fine point b : briskly or bitingly cold : NIPPING (a sharp wind)
2 a : keen in intellect : QUICK-WITTED b : keen in perception : ACUTE (sharp sight) c : keen in attention : VIGILANT (keep a sharp lookout) d : keen in attention to one's own interest sometimes to the point of being unethical (a sharp trader)
3 : keen in spirit or action: as a : full of activity or energy : BRISK (sharp blows) b : capable of acting or reacting strongly; especially : CAUSTIC
4 : SEVERE, HARSH: as a : inclined to or marked by irritability or anger (a sharp temper) b : causing intense mental or physical distress (a sharp pain) c : cutting in language or import (a sharp rebuke)
5 : affecting the senses or sense organs intensely: as a (1) : having a strong odor or flavor (sharp cheese) (2) : ACRID b : having a strong piercing sound c : having the effect of or involving a sudden brilliant display of light (a sharp flash)
6 a : terminating in a point or edge (sharp features) b : involving an abrupt or marked change especially in direction (a sharp turn) c : clear in outline or detail : DISTINCT (a sharp image) d : set forth with clarity and distinctness (sharp contrast)
7 a of a tone : raised a half step in pitch b : higher than the proper pitch c : MAJOR, AUGMENTED -- used of an interval in music
- sharp•ly adverb
- sharp•ness noun
synonyms SHARP, KEEN, ACUTE mean having or showing alert competence and clear understanding. SHARP implies quick perception, clever resourcefulness, or sometimes questionable trickiness (sharp enough to spot a confidence game). KEEN suggests quickness, enthusiasm, and a penetrating mind (a keen observer of the political scene). ACUTE implies a power to penetrate and may suggest subtlety and sharpness of discrimination (an acute sense of style).

Tuesday, May 24, 2005


Call me crazy, but I still believe in destiny. I believe that everything happens for a reason, particularly when it comes to romance. I believe that my fiance was put here specifically for me. That he and I were made for each other. That something bigger than ourselves brought us together. I have no scientific basis for this belief. I just felt it. He felt it too. That we were meant to be together.

Every once in a while I go back to that moment when we first fell in love, first discovered our fate, and I am conflicted. If we are "soul mates," why does it have to be so hard? Why do we have to plan out every detail of our lives so as not to upset the other person? Write it down. Repeat it three times. Hash it out if we have different agendas. Why do I doubt our love for each other and yet trust it completely at the same time? Why do we have to work at accepting each other as unique and wonderful individuals? Shouldn't all this come naturally if we were meant to be? Shouldn't it be easy? Constantly fulfilling. Never exhausting or frustrating.

When do you know if you're working too hard? When do you know if you are admirably working to compromise or if you are desperately trying to change the other person? Liz Scot writes in her essay "MWF: ISO Soul Mate," "What bothers me is the popular interpretation of 'soul mate', with its pathetic ring of desperation for love and companionship (desperation on which the advertisers of LavaLife happily capitalize), its syrupy enthusiasm for common tastes over common values, its assumption of a fairy-tale perfection that never exists in real relationships and its socially acceptable veneer as an excuse to keep trying on new partners rather than working to get comfortable with the one you already have." Sounds like a much better alternative doesn't it? Not necessarily.

If not for the fairy-tale, how's a girl supposed to know if the relationship is "right"? Maybe the trick is to alter the fairy-tale itself. Much like in the movie "Shrek." We still get the romance, the fairy-tale, but with a bit more honesty. We are all ogres after all. Maybe the trick is to just accept it.

Monday, May 23, 2005

It's Not What I Expected

Sometimes I am washed over by waves of meloncholy that I don't really expect. This weekend was one of those times. I'm not sure what brings it on or if it's even worth putting stock into. I mean I have so much going for me. I have a great job that allows me to use all the skills I went to school for, not to mention the benefits and the normal hours that allow me to have a life outside of my work, which is what I said I wanted when planning for post graduation. I have a great fiance who loves me very much and is willing to let me continue to restock my wardrobe. I have a wide variety of good friends. I've got a great dog and a great aparment and a great fish tank. I've got time to run and read and write. When I look back at what I said I wanted when I was 15 this is almost exactly it, but it's not exactly what I expected. Maybe it's better and I'm just now seeing it.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

It's Official. I'm Totally Confused!

I'm getting married in January of 2006. I vacillate between excitement and cynicism. I love my fiance and am anticipating many years of marriage. However, there is no guarantee. I am not blind to this. Most of us aren't anymore. So I find it difficult to reach a level of bridal giddiness. A fact that gives me guilt pangs. But, I have my moments. For instance, yesterday I finally ordered the dress I've been drooling over for months. Yes, I'm still capable of lust for the gown. (Rest assured it is not my mom's favorite. It's too plain for her taste. She's not convinced that it will make me the "breath taking beauty" I should be on my wedding day.)

In the process of ordering the dress over the phone at the J. Crew store at Pioneer Place, my cell phone began to ring "Here Comes the Bride." I giggled as I struggled to shut it up and the woman on the other line asked, "Are you a blushing bride?" I blushed as I gurgled a very elated, "Yes."

Only the day before, I skipped work to go dress shopping with my future sister-in-law. I think I was a horrible disappointment. She was looking forward to a day of living vicariously through me as I tried on dress after dress smothered in beads and lace. But in the first store all I could think about was how I had to pee, so I apathetically flipped through a few dresses until I felt enough time had passed and we could politely leave the store after giving it our best effort to search for a public toilet. The nearest one was at a Tully's coffe shop so naturally we had to buy tea and a italian soda, but the second store wouldn't let us bring our beverages in. We sat outside under an awning in two wicker chairs until our drinks were gone while it rained all around us.

Upon entering the store the girl at the counter was extremely friendly. She showed us all around the store, explaining how things were organized and then left us alone to browse. As I began to browse my palms began to sweat, my ears grew red, my cheeks got hot and my stomach began to gurgle uncontrolably. I don't know if it was the $2900 price tag or the Spanish lace or the Reem Acra's in the corner, but I found myself desperately needing the toilet again. I stumbled out to interrupt my sister-in-law who was discussing the dresses I had picked with the clerk to say, "I'm not feeling well I need to take a walk around the block." Both of them looked so hurt and disappointed I felt horrible, but after the walk I couldn't muster up the courage to go back inside so we went to the nearest mall and wandered aimlessly until it was time for her to pick her son up from school. We were too depressed to buy anything at that point.

So I couldn't help but feel some pride when I found myself abandoning my reservations and embracing my inner princess while my phone announced to the world that I am the coveted "bride to be."


A friend recently chided me for not blogging more regularly. At first I was taken aback, but then I looked at the date of my most recent blog and realized it had been a while. Why the delay, I asked myself. It's not as though I haven't had things to talk about. Actually it has been quite the opposite. I realized, after looking over this friend's site, that I have been to concerned with being profound. But this is silly, for profundity comes when you least expect it. It has nothing to do with the length of the blog or the topic. In fact, I think profundity is most often found in those moments of complete honesty about the seemingly simple and often mundane. So here it is my blog about blogging. I'm working up my nerve to talk about wedding dress shopping, but for now this will have to do.

Monday, May 09, 2005

The Eye Of The Beholder

Saturday was International Home Brewers Day. My fiancé has been brewing his own beer for about two months now and so we went to a gathering of brewers in our area to celebrate the day. Needless to say the place was crawling with men and I was pretty much the only girl for most of the day. But rest assured I can hold my own when it comes to drinking beer. In fact, I have a tendency to pack it away. On our way home my man made a comment about how I fit right in and was like one of the guys. Honestly, I couldn't tell if he was happy with that or not. And I definately couldn't tell if I was happy with that or not myself. I began to wonder if it is it possible to be both guys and one of the ladies? If not, which team do I prefer? (I don't mean this sexually mind you.) Today I was waiting for the max and I was thinking, "can I be hot and cool at the same time?"
Or is it even up to me? See, I was always the girl that the guys told about how much they liked her friend.

I'm not sure why I am only now able to verbalize this. Nor am I sure what to do with this information now that I have it. However, I found out in a glorious moment of honesty with a girlfriend that I am not alone. She said she’s felt this way all her life as well and this is what she tells herself, “The guys who want to be with a truly ‘cool’ girl will find you hot for so many other reasons, even if it's not the physical reasons and they are the ones that are worth being with. The ones who say stupid shit like, ‘Well, she's so fun, but I'm just not attracted to her’ or something similar-who wants to be with them, anyway? Honestly....I feel like kicking those idiots in the shins and being like, ‘You know, it's a pity your stupidity doesn't hurt you on a daily basis.
That's a really cool girl and if you can't see that, you don't deserve her.’"

For me part of being one of the guys includes drinking and eating like one of the guys which are skills I have perfected in the three years I’ve been with my fiancé and can now do quite comfortably even when I’m alone or with my girlfriends. Yay! For me. However, eating and drinking like a man who works on his feet hoisting big plates of steel around while having the metabolism of a girl who sits in front of a computer everyday has it’s obvious consequences. Yesterday, I was feeling really bad about myself because I keep gaining weight so I was pouting and my fiancé wrapped me in a big hug and said, "you're beautiful," even though I didn't tell him what was going on. I said, "no I'm not." And he said the most wonderful thing. He said, "you're my kind of beautiful." That was nice, but at the same time I was thinking "I want to be universally beautiful," you know? Even if, as Susan Jane Gilman says in Kiss My Tiara, it doesn't make the line to the toilet any shorter.

What I realized was that I didn't feel like I was my kind of beautiful. And that's when I realized that I didn't know if I wanted to be "hot" or "cool." Sometimes it makes me really mad that I even have to deal with this. Why can't we all just be beautiful? So my girlfriend says to me, “there's a few answers to that question. None of which you're going to like…. Well, I was going to first react by saying, ‘Well if we were all beautiful, none of us would be. We'd just be the same.’ Then I was going to say, ‘We need to be beautiful in our own minds. That's the only place that counts. ’But, both of those are kinda bullshit.’” I like the first answer. It doesn't sound so bad.

Maybe we are all beautiful we're just looking at it from the wrong angle. But maybe we're not supposed to feel beautiful, because maybe if we all felt beautiful it would be dangerous. I wonder if beautiful people feel beautiful. If we’re all beautiful and I don’t feel beautiful then that would be a no. What is it anyway? Beautiful? Is it a certain fat percentage? A certain angle of the nose? A certain width of the eyes? I like Webster’s definition: the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit : LOVELINESS. However, I don’t know how the guys would feel about it.