Sunday, October 05, 2008

I'm One of Them

When G and I first separated I felt strong and confident and lost a lot of weight effortlessly, but over the last two or three months my weight has started creeping back up.

According to Shrink Yourself, a book about overcoming emotional eating, it's because I've been believing that I'm powerless to deal with my feelings. You might be thinking that I'm finally mourning the loss of my marriage, but I'm actually still really glad I made that decision.

What overwhelms me is that I'm "one of them", one of those people who got a subprime mortgage and racked up credit card debt.

We bough0t the condo at the peak of the market. I'm not sure what it's worth now exactly, still waiting to hear back on the appraisal, but I'm sure it's at least $20k less than what we paid for it.

I'm so embarrassed by my decisions and I'm so scared that I'm not going to be able to make ends meet. I know I can't expect prince charming to save me from my financial mistakes. In fact, I'm afraid that no guy in his right mind will want to date me seriously with the debt I have.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Girls Night

I just came across this new movie coming coming out next month will all my favorite actresses and the best premise ever:

Happy Birthday to me! (It comes out in February.)

Open to Love

I'm listening to a new audio book called Looking Beyond the Mirror which is all about overcoming insecurity and learning to value yourself. This isn't an easy concept for me to digest because I've never held much esteem for myself.

From the time I was a small child I was afraid of asking my friends to play with me because they might say no and in high school I developed an eating disorder because I was afraid that no guy would love me unless I had a perfect body.

In general, I've given my love to men who were unsatisfying, dishonest and, overall, unworthy of my affections because I didn't think I was worthy of anyone's love, but I'm starting to realize this was faulty thinking on my part. These beliefs are deeply ingrained in my brain and led to my unfortunate marriage and now divorce, but I think I'm starting to open to the idea that they aren't true and that I can have a satisfying life and fulfilling relationships.

This idea is summed up nicely by the following quote from the book He's Just Not That Into You:

"...there is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful life as I can, so that it doesn't feel like I'm just waiting around for some guy to ask me out."

What I've learned is that I don't need a man to complete me or make me worthwhile. In fact, I don't need a man at all, except for my roommate who helps me afford my life by sharing the rent. But, I'm finally opening to the idea that someday I may come across a great man to share my life with and that could be really great.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

I need a niche

I'm not sure what my niche should be. I'd like to go back to writing about what I'm reading and what I'm learning from it and how it relates to my life, but I also want to be able to incorporate Mr. Tater when appropriate.