Thursday, December 29, 2005

23 Days!

I can't believe it's so close. I'm getting so excited. I think that everything is falling in place. It's going to be beautiful. G & I are going to be beautiful. We're going to have a great time. It's going to go by so fast!

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

A Tale of Two Income Brackets

Today I came across and article in the Daily Journal of Commerce, which I read often looking for real estate news that is important for myself and my colleagues, that left me with a sense of urgency and despair and yet still no direction.

Apparently the middle class is shrinking. In fact, the article said that duet to disappearing jobs and rising health care costs, "from 1980 to 2003, the number of households with middle-class incomes declined 7 percent; during the same time, poverty rates inched upward, with more than 1.1 million additional people living below the poverty level in 2004, according to the US Census Bureau." All I could think about was senior year in high school, Honors English, reading A Tale of Two Cities--"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way...."

I've been thinking of matters of finance for some time now. I've been trying to decide if I want to pursue a career with more money or a passion. Preferably, I would like a career which does both. My current position is comfortable, but I'm afraid I may not be able to afford to do all the things I want to do if I stay here, such as buy a house, travel, etc. Further, the fiance does not want to stay where he is forever. I will need to make more money at some point to make up for his loss of income when he changes careers until he can catch up again. Hmm...kinda makes me wish I were still in high school just reading about this stuff.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

38 Days and Counting

Flower girl dresses are finally starting to come together. Fiance's outfit is still missing. Found a place to stay after the wedding. Now we need transportation. I am beginning to see why it is stressful. Up until now it has been relatively easy, with a few minor family squabbles over a few decisions. It's still easy, honestly. But I can see that it would be easy to get stressed about all the little details. My solution? Eliminate as many little details as possible.

Friday, December 02, 2005


Last night I did something I've been wanting to do forever. I rode the mechanical bull at the Dixie downtown PDX! It's a great bar. Cheap beers served in the can. Cheap shots. Country rock theme without the cowboys. They did switch the music over to hip hop a little later in the evening which was a bit of a disappointment to the music buffs in our group. All in all it was a perfect way to celebrate the fact that I still fit in my wedding dress. Only 51 days to go!

Thursday, December 01, 2005

52 Days to go!

Meeting with all the vendors was a totally success! Just a few last minute things to wrap up and we'll be good to go. I'm getting so excited to see it finally coming together.

Today I go to get my first fitting for my dress done! Hope it still fits.

Monday, November 21, 2005

62 Days and Counting

January 21 is quickly approaching. We're headed for Idaho this weekend to meet with the chef, the photographer, the florist and the hairdresser.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Choosing Channels

I found it interesting that last night I chose what channel to watch while working out at the gym by the commercials that appealed to me. I figured if I related to the commercials I would probably like the show that was on that channel, because I assumed that they were both trying to appeal to the same demographic. As far as I can remember I was right.

Sunday, November 06, 2005


Today we went and saw a movie. For the first time in months. And I got to pick. In case you couldn't guess by the title it was Elizabethtown. It had a great cast and a great story. While I enjoyed all aspects of this movie. I was most touched by the emphasis on life and family and creativity. I recommend it.


I'm so bored I'm watching a nature program about grizzly bears. I've known that I was nearing this point for quite some time, but this weekend it has become crystal clear.

The weirdest thing is that I have a lot going on. I'm planning my wedding which is two and a half months away. I work full time. I work out 4-5 days a week. I keep my house clean. I cook. I spend time with my friends. I'm part of a book club (although I didn't read the book last week). I'm wokring with some people from work on a extra ciricular actvity. I have my favorite shows on tv. I read magazines and books often.

And yet I find myself still bored. I think that part of my problem is that I have devoted all of my weekend time to my fiance and when he's busy working on projects and not paying attention to me I don't know what to do with myself. Thus I've decided that I need a hobby. My first attempt to fill this void will be knitting.

I know knitting still invokes a connotation of an old lady sitting in her plastic covered chair with dingy knitted pink booties and knitting tissue box covers, but trust me it's hip right now. We have some really hip stores in the pearl, but lessons and yarn there are pretty expensive so I'm going to start at Michaels and get my feet wet. Then graduate to the more elaborate yarns and patterns and some of these more fun stores.

I like that the hobby is portable and that it creates something useable that you can even give away as gifts. Maybe if you're lucky you'll get one of my new creations.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

To Take His Name, Or Not To Take His Name?

That is the question.

I remember when my friends B and T were getting married and he said "I wouldn't marry her if she wouldn't take my name." I thought this was the most barbaric and sexist thing I had ever heard come out of B's mouth. I was appalled and determined that I would never find myself in that situation. No man was worth putting up with that kind of disrespect. I saw changing your name as a way of surrender to the man and that sounded horrible to me.

Later after I got engaged and my mom and aunt were asking if I would change my name and I confessed that I didn't think so it was for entirely different reasons. I liked being a part of my family. I like my last name and I don't like the idea of becoming assimilated into his family which is a little cooky to be quite honest. My aunt put it best when she said, "you want to become Mrs. (My fiance's first name), not Mrs. (My fiance's family name)."

But as W-day approaches I find myself toying with the idea of doing it anyway. It's as though by not changing my name I feel like I'm not officially married. But the few times that I've mentioned it to the man he seems to think I should keep my own name. Partially because he knows how important my independence has been to me and partially because he's had a little financial trouble in the past and feared that my taking on his name would affect my credit history negatively. Not to mention that it can be an expensive and time consuming hassle.

While I've joked that not changing my name will make it easier "if we get divorced" I can't help but feel that not changing my name is a bit like riding the fence. Committed ambiguity.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Marriage Education

Being engaged and planning a wedding is a very interesting process. At least for me it has inspired arguements, passion and creativity. So much thought goes into what kind of cake to have or what dress to wear or what song to dance to, but in the end I can't help, but think none of this matters in the long haul. None of this determines the health or longevity of a marriage.

Many people believe that finding your soul mate is the key, but I am not convinced. Infact, I once read in the April 2004 issue of Psychology Today pyschologist argue that "there's no such thing as compatability." For many people this thought is horrifying. Many of us belive that "remaining in a marriage that doesn't make you blissfully happy is an act of existential cowardice." But in reality, the article says, "feelings of dissatisfaction or disappointemet are natural, but they can seem intolerable when standards are sky-high." If this is true what is the key to a sucessful marriage?

According to a series on NPR many pyschologists believe the marriage education may be the ticket to saving couples from divorce. According to the website for Smart Marriages, the coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples education, "successful couples have the same number of
disagreements as the couples who divorce. Even more interesting, all couples disagree about all the same basic issues - money, kids, sex, housework, in-laws and time. The difference between successful and unsuccessful couples is how they handle their differences."

Pyschologist John Gottman is so good at noticing the things couples do wrong, he can predict marriage stability with 94% accuracy. The four horsemen he says, or the "four key problems that lead to divorce are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. And the worst of these? Contempt for a partner." But in recognizing this are we doomed. Is there now hope?

That's where marriage education comes in. Preferably psychologists want to catch couples while they are still happy and to give the the necessary skills that they say poor and rich alike are lacking when it comes to dealing with our differences. Advoactes of Smart Marriages "agree on one thing: marriage is more than a simple piece of paper, it's an institution that needs to be preserved."

Many of you know, either from reading this blog or from knowing my fiance and I that we are not the perfect couple. And while we have come a long way in our relationship with regard to healthy communication it looks as though we still have a long ways to go. Perhaps it's time for us to invest not only into our wedding, but into our marriage as well.

Friday, October 21, 2005

The Invitations Have Been Sent

Wedding invitations have been posted. We've even had two RSVPs one "regretfully decline" and one "accept gladly" (or whatever it says). Unfortunately, the accept came with no name on the line or return address. All we know is that two people with mail going through Spokane, WA are planning to attend. Perhaps we should have written the names in for them. Hmm...

Monday, October 17, 2005

First Business Trip Ever

I stayed at the Laquinta in room 324, or was it 326. I made sure to tell my SO just incase of emergency because that is what you do on business trips. Right? We even had dinner on the company, complete with drinks. I feel like a real working girl now.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Is It Just Me Or Is The Escalator Going The Wrong Way?

Yes. Yes it is. I walked into my building this morning and went to get on the escalator to ride it to my suite, but something was very wrong. I stood there for quite some time puzzling over the fact that the escalator seemed to be coming at me. I think I even went to step on it, but stopped short, fortunately.

It felt so odd to ride up the other side. For a second I thought maybe I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed and this was the way we normally go to get to the office and I was a bit embarrassed with my foolishness.

However, apparently a couple of coworkers had been watching me struggle with the change in my routine and one of them was waiting at the door to raze me about it. LOL.

I'm happy to know that I'm getting into a routine. I'm not very good at establishing them, but I feel much better when I have one. Yay!

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Blind Man & Jesus Man

Today was the second time in a week that I had to give up my seat on the Max for a blind man. Two different men. Two different seats. Two different days.

While both instances resulted in strangers talking to me afterward, today's experience was the most eventful.

Riding the max before and after work is a much different experience than riding it on the weekend or during the middle of the day. Regular business riders are quite and polite and keep to themselves and their book of choice.

Every once and a while you'll get a talker or two and usually it's because they're not used to the routine. Today was one of those days. It started shortly after I got on this morning at my usual time in my usual place when "Jesus Man" struck up a conversation with "First-Leg-Of-The-Trip-Man" who has a son in the Army who is going to Iraq soon.

Fortunately this conversation died down quickly after a couple "that's politics for you" statements. So us regulars thought the interruption was averted.

That's when I sat down, only to be told I had to stand up again so that "Blind Man" could sit in my place. Why is it always my seat lately? I was really looking forward to that one too.

Although I didn't really mind moving it was the talking that insued after the move that was upsetting. I was really enjoying my book The Other Side of the Story (thanks Paige) by Marian Keyes, but it was hard to talk as "Blind Man" complained about work and school being so much pressure that he might explode and "Jesus Man" consoling him with the concept of bed time prayers. Thank God "Blind Man" got off at 4th street.

Then "Believer Girl" piped up. Actually she got up and went over to "Jesus Man" and said "You're a believer aren't you?" They proceeded to discuss where they went to church and then she said "Thanks for letting your light shine" as she walked away. Meanwhile the rest of us regulars hesitantly looked at each other (as eye contact is another non-regular event) and rolled our eyes in unison.

When I was telling this story to Terra it seemed very funny. As I'm writing it seems to have lost some of the humor. My apologies.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

It's snowing!

Well it's snowing in Salt Lake where my friend Adara lives, which has little to do with me except that I feel like my life is being hit by a blizzard right now! Isn't it funny how everything happens at once?

We're moving into a new apartment on the 19th, which is a Wednesday and we have to be out of our old apartment on the 21st which is a Friday and the fiance and I work opposite schedules (me days, him nights). We're squeezing it into these two days so that we won't have to pay rent on both apartments for the month of October.

To remedy the problem of not being able to carry heavy things alone I took the 21st off and yesterday he went to work only to find out that the Jetta had a flat tire which will probably need to be replaced and when he finally got to the shop he discovered he has to report to his job at 7am on the morning of the 21st!

Last Friday he discovered that the tail pipe fell of the Mazda so the muffler back on that vehicle will also need to be replaced. *Laugh*

When it snows it snows! But it sure is pretty.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

So What's Next?

I wonder if it is just human nature to constantly be on the move. Constantly looking toward the next stepping stone. Or maybe it's just us.

We haven't even had the wedding yet and we're already trying to decide what should come after. Who will go to school where and when? Where will we live? Where will we work? What will our lives be like? On some levels this is probably wise to start planning before hand, but regardless it is not easy.

Is it just me or is there so much growth happening in our 20s that the concept of a comfort zone seems unbelievably far fetched. Oddly enough I had begun to think my life had reached a plateau and then bam! the future discussions began...

Thursday, September 22, 2005

After All That

After coming up with a name, convincing the fiance to keep him and taking him to get his first two rounds of shots the cat ran away yesterday. Good-bye Mr. Bones. Good luck!

Monday, September 19, 2005

Princess for a day

I must admit I have been quite hesitant about getting to excited about the wedding. I don't want to be one of those idiot brides who stomps on everyone else to be a princess for a day only to find out that real life is no fairy tale and her real man is no prince charming. But yesterday I succumed and I loved it.

While walking by Jessica McClintock during the Race for the Cure my soon to be sister-in-law and I noticed this dress (G don't click on this link) in the window. After the race I dragged her back to the boutique so I could try the dress on.

Although it wasn't quite the right size it was smashing! I looked and felt like a snow fairy princess. So despite the previous challenge of finding the J. Crew dress I am returning the unopened box and purchasing the snow fairy princess dress right away!

I did face the let down as well when I got home after dress shopping. While the unexpectedly large credit card bill was upseting, what really got me was when I went inside because I was hungry to make dinner and start the homemade dog biscuits from the spent grain leftover after Gabe made beer. Despite the fact that he had asked me to make dinner because he was hungry he did not come inside until 2 hours after I told him dinner was ready. In the meantime I got so hungry I couldn't stop eating the dog biscuit dough...which sounds worse than it really was. Followed by taking the dog out to poop in the field I came back to the house a red slobbery mess of tears. Poor Prince Charming had no idea what hit him.

Friday, September 16, 2005


Today is a blessed day. Today I found the perfect pair of black pants!

I'd like to thank you for your support. I couldn't have done it without my friend T who patiently waited for me as I tried on a plethora of black pants at a variety of different stores. Nor could I have done it with out the expert advice of my friend Paige who directed me to Express. Loves it! I'd like to thank my friend Martha for empathising with me in my time of need. At lastly, I'd like to thank Perky at the Express store and his sidekick Blondie who directed me to the Correspondent and helped me find the dressing rooms.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

The Hunt for Black Pants

As fall approaches it seems as if it is nature's way of saying, "It's time to update your wardrobe." Having been inspired by an episode of "What not to Wear: Where are they now" on Saturday and a recent article in Real Simple, I am on the hunt for the perfect pair of black pants. And when I find them, which I will, I will buy them in charcoal and chocolate too.

However, this is not as easy as it looks. According to the article the perfect pair of pants for me is at Kohl's, but we don't have those out here. Also, said pants have an elastic waist band. I would like to believe that I am still too young for that.

You would think that having your office building attached to a mall would help, but I've been striking out there too. I have yet to search Meir & Frank and Nordstrom's.

Not only is the way the pants fit my body important. I also want them to fit my pocket book. I'm tempted to stop by Old Navy because they tend to have cute stuff for an affordable price, but I find that their clothes wear out from washing way too quickly. I want something that will last at least until winter, but more than one season would be fabulous.

These are the dilemmas of my life. I realize that they are very superficial and light compared to the trials that other women face such as losing family members in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina or war. For this I am thankful and just a twinge guilty.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

To DJ or not to DJ?

That is the question at hand. We were completely content to be the modern budget conscious bride and groom that this story refers to, but the lodge where we are having the wedding doesn't have the right equipment to work with the iPod. Therefore we would have to rent a PA system. Not to mention buy the iPod. Plus buy and download all the music. The average DJ in the town where we are getting married runs $450 for 4 hours of play time. It's beginning to look like we could easily spend the same on our own makeshift system.

However, when I talked to my fiance today he said that it is not the price he's worried about (unlike my dad), but the cheesy jokes and the cheap suited man bossing us around. I personally think that a DJ would simplify things and keep the reception moving.

Is it worth the extra effort and possibly cash to keep my groom happy?

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Giving Props!

For those of you who have read this blog before, you know that I have a tendency to analyze my relationship which often results in whining or commiserating about my love life. But this time I have something positive to say about my fiance. We are getting married after all. I figure it can't hurt to bring up one of his positive characteristics once in a while.

Anyway the point is that yesterday he took initiative with regard to the wedding plans. He actually called his dad to discuss the rehearsal dinner and called the golf course to reserve lodging and ask a few other questions. Keep in mind that I did not ask him to do this. He did this of his own accord! Yay!

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Dogs in the Dark

Ok...Is it just me or is it a sign that you know your dog too well if you can find and pick up it's poop in the dark?

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Cats Like Water?

My kitten has taken to drinking out of the dog's water dish which is more like a kiddy pool for the kitten. It's so big and high off the ground that he has to stand on his back feet and put his front feet into the water to get any on his tongue. So I didn't think anything of it when he came into the kitchen with his face and front paws so dripping wet he kept sprinkling me with droplets.

But later I was sitting on the couch and I turned around to find him wading and splashing in the water dish. He kinda looked like he was getting ready to pee in it so I grabbed him out of the dish. There was water everywhere. All over the wall. All over the floor. All over the kitten.

All that water gave me a great idea. "Shadow (his unofficial name) must have been in the water dish getting wet because he feels dirty and wants a bath." So I took him over to the kitchen sink and proceeded to thoroughly soak him and then lather him with dish soap. He really didn't seem to mind any of this until I went to rinse him off again. Yowza!

Friday, August 26, 2005

Apology Unacceptable

Am I the only person that apologizes even when I didn't do anything wrong? Today I walked around the corner into a solid looking angry woman who grunted when we met. I said "Ooo...Excuse me." She said, "Uh-huh."

As I was walking away I thought "Why did I excuse myself? She was on my side of the hallway."

Thursday, August 25, 2005

One More Thing

Hmmm...I hesitate to admit this but I was watching a rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond about Debra during PMS last night to pass the time until Veronica Mars started. When the show ended I was left feeling confused and conflicted.

Albeit she got a bit out of control and irate, but I couldn't help but think that her frustration was justified. I realize that they have arranged it so that he works and she takes care of the house and the kids, but come on! That doesn't mean that he can't put his dirty underwear in the hamper instead of on the kitchen floor, which was one of the reasons she was angry.

I know this is just a TV show, but I also know that these situations take place in real life. How do I know you ask? Because they happen at our house all the time. Granted we have no such arrangement. We both work so it is a little different, but the concept is similar.

For instance, I asked my fiance to vacuum the floor the other day and he did it (except he didn't do the stairs, but I'm trying to let that go). So I said thank you. The fact that I have to ask him to do such things, however is kinda frustrating in and of itself. I know he did chores when he was growing up and he can tell the difference between a clean house and a dirty one.

But the topic that I chose to discuss with him was the lack of "thank yous" I get for doing domestic chores. Particularly because the night before I had gone grocery shopping and made two entrees for him to take in his lunches or eat for dinners as well as chocolate cupcakes. Anytime I notice that he has done something domestic I try to say thank you, except for maybe when he empties the dishwasher. Maybe because it happens so frequently.

Anyway, my point is that in my mind he doesn't thank me because his understanding is that these are my responsibilities because I am the woman. However, I thank him because he, being a man, doesn't "have" to do these things. I understand where these ideals come from, but I can't help but think they are antiquated. If we are modern enough to live together before being married aren't we modern enough to be in a relationship that respects that we both work equal hours, we both dirty the house and we are both able to clean it?

Are You Kidding Me?

I found myself highly irritated last night when I had to wait for Veronica Mars to start. I know this is silly. Normally I would be so desperate, but for some reason it was the only thing I could think of that I wanted to do apart from going to sleep. So having to wait until 9pm for the show to even start was not my idea of a good evening.

However, the real kicker was that the reason I had to wait was that UPN has scheduled
R U the Girl? with T-boz and Chili at 8pm. Ugh! Not another reality show about girls back stabbing each other to get to the top of the charts.

It seems to me that teenage girls would be far better served by watching a show that teaches them to stand up for themselves and for other people and to not let other people's opinions hold you back from pursuing your passions. Not to mention the other lessons on morality and community.

Designated Drivers

While waiting impatiently for Veronica Mars to start last night I saw the "You Drink. You Drive. You Lose." commercial a few times. I personally like this commercial and have found it conversation worthy on more than one occasion.

For those of you who haven't seen the commercial I will briefly summarize it. Three different drivers pull up to police officers in various situations and confess that they have been drinking and should not be driving. Then the narrator comes on to say that this never happens in real life so the only way to stop drunk driving is to crack down. So no matter who you are, if you drink and drive you will get busted. I find this message to be highly effective.

I did, however, notice that while the message might have stuck with me it may not apply to me because the drivers were all men. Incidentally, the police were also all men. I couldn't help but wonder if National Highway Traffic Safety Administration did this on purpose, because statistically most drunk drivers are males.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Going On Two Weeks

I'm going on two weeks of working out at my new gym and I'm lovin' it. Granted it's not easy to get myself up and out of bed at 5am, but once I'm movin' it's worth it.

The trickiest part has been getting my sleep schedule down. Until today I've been waking up, working out, going home getting ready for work, and then catching the Max only to fall asleep as soon as I can find a seat. Then I hunt for coffee first thing when I get to the office (decaf, but still...this is a new habit for me). After lunch I run to the Sundry store to by a diet soda to help me make it through the slump. I usually fall asleep again on the ride home. Then I get home and run around until 11pm.

But it's after 10am and I haven't had to make a coffee run yet. I didn't fall asleep on the max. I've hardly even yawned. What's my secret? Beer. It's true. I drank one beer last night over the period of an hour so when 10pm rolled around I was ready to hit the hay. Just relaxed enough to fall asleep and not wake up again until my alarm went off at 4:50am. I slept so well I practically bounded out of bed.

Had I imbibed more than one, I probably would have been dragging so I think the key is moderation. One is enough to help me relax and sleep well without feeling drained the next day.

P.S. I may be imagining things, but I swear my abs feel like they're getting more toned. Yay!

Thursday, August 18, 2005

It's Like Murder She Wrote

Ok. It's official. Veronica Mars on UPN is my new most favorite TV show. She's like the Angela Lansbury of the 21st century. She's cute and witty and just a touch bitter. Sure the show is probably geared for teenagers--she wanders around her high school halls snapping pictures and solving crimes, for heaven's sake--but I can't help it. I love it.

Last night I was glued to the TV for the entire hour. No getting up at commercial breaks to do the dishes or sweep the floor. I stayed. I didn't want to miss a minute.

Each episode involves it's own petty crime that takes place at the school, but also through each episode we watch as Veronica hunts down her best friends murderer, which resulted in her father losing his job, her mother running away and her friends turning their backs on her. But she's scrappy and she just keeps digging.

Fortunately for me there is always a little romance that weasels it's way into the episodes to keep hopeless saps like me hooked. Speaking of...Oh my gosh can any one else believe that she kissed Logan last night?

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Lack of Thought

It feels as though it's been a while since I've had any thoughts deeper than "How do I trim my waist for my wedding?" and "What should I name my new kitty?" Truthfully this is kinda nice. Usually my mind feels like it's going a thousand miles a minute questioning everything.

This is not to say that I haven't exposed myself to thoughtful material. Thanks to book club and some friendly suggestions by a coworker.

I recently finished Purple Hibiscus by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. I definitely recommend this read if you like books about other cultures. It tackles life in the country of Nigeria comparing the affluent to the less fortunate, while tackling the clash between traditional religious beliefs with those of the Catholic missionaries and the different interpretations of both. Among many other topics of course.

I also read Being Committed by Anne Maxted which was a quick girly read that tackles the topics of emotional intimacy in a fun and endearing way.

I'm currently reading Freakonomics. I'll tell you what I think when I finish it.

Friday, August 12, 2005

New Member of the Family

I am pleased to welcome the unnamed kitty above to our family. Bailey (the dog), on the other hand, is not sure what to make of it as you can see.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

First Day at School

Ok...So it's not really school, but today was my first day of SuperSet and boy did I get my butt kicked. I can best describe it as a combination of step aerobics, free weights and circuit training. All muscle groups are worked in intervals of 3 minutes. All of this left me purple and sweaty and sprawled on my step about 30 minutes in to the workout. You'll be happy to know that I rested briefly and got back into the rhythm in time to work on my triceps and my abs and finish out the class with some grace.

I have to hand it to the 3 other ladies who are at least as old as my mom if not older who barely broke a sweat. Needless to say...I'll be pacing myself at the next class on Saturday. It occurred to me after the class that this is exactly what I need...Something to make me actually exert myself. A couple more months of this and I should hardly recognize myself. I can't wait to be buff for the wedding.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

The Other Half

The other half of the hesitation that I neglected to mention yesterday is the lurking question floating in my conscious "does it really matter?" Does the way I look or the percent of fat on my body really matter in the long run? Does it help me develop more fulfilling relationships, advance further in my career or enjoy my free time more? According to Sean the fitness counselor I spoke with last night it does. And I'm not totally sure why, but I'm inclined to believe him.

As it stands my life is good. I have a comfortable home, a fantastic fiance, a wonderful variety of friends, supportive parents, an adorable dog, an eye-opening book club, a newly started creative writing club, and a challenging (but not too stressful) job. I'm busy but not too busy. In fact, most parts of my life seem to be well balanced. And yet something seems to be off still and I can only think that it is this nagging desire to get in shape.

I guess we'll see, eh? I did go ahead and take the plunge yesterday so I'm already for my first SuperSet class tomorrow at 5:30 am. And I ordered "Small Changes, Big Results" from the library yesterday too. So as I continue to get in shape I'll keep you posted as to if it changes the my overall satisfaction with my life.

P.S. Paige, I'm looking forward to a tennis match and after we play we can go swimming in our pool. :)

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Food for Thought

Sometimes I can't say what I am thinking and then I find a writer who says it for me. Thank you BBC. This exact scenario is what is holding me back from joining a gym. And yet...I may just take the plunge anyway.

Read at your leisure.

Joining the Club

I'm one of those people who has always wanted someone else's body. I've tried Atkins, LA Weightloss and Weight Watchers. I've tried running 5k races and doing yoga at 105F. I've even resorted to lifting weights in the clubhouse at my apartment complex. Now I realize that none of these will make me grow 3" or turn my hair blonde. It has occurred to me that I am stuck with what I've got. And truthfully I don't think it's all that bad. It just needs a little work.

So I'm thinking about joining a gym. Actually I've been thinking about joining a gym for a while, but with all the fees (the enrollment fee, the processing fee, dues) it is not a decision I've taken lightly.

On one hand, it seems to me that if I really wanted to get in shape badly enough I would have done it by now. What's wrong with the little gym at complex? Isn't the nature park good enough for a cardio workout? But on the other hand neither of these seem to be cutting the mustard. So maybe I do need something more. Maybe I need the place to go, maybe I need the training, maybe I need the camaraderie of a workout buddy or the coaching of a group-x class instructor.

Perhaps this will be another failed attempt, but maybe not. Maybe this time...I'll get the combination right. Although my first instinct is always to ask for perfection, my true desire is to find balance and health. I want to feel good about my body. I want to feel strong and energetic. I want to create a lifestyle of activity. I want to make goals and actually reach them this time. Oh...And I want to look hawt on my wedding day! Wish me luck.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Survival of the fittest

Ok. So I know go for lengths of time without blogging, but eventually I come back, usually after no more than a couple of weeks. But I've put links to a few people's sites on my blog who never update and eventually I give up on them. Is that so wrong? At what point is it ok to cut their link off?

I just hacked a couple today, which i would have loved to see keep writing, but they were giving me nothing. So sad.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

I Did It!

For those of you who have been around long enough, you might remember that my blog was founded with much trepidation. I'm not a techy and I know that that fact in many blogger minds makes my blog useless and unorthodox, but that's beside the point. The real point is that I overcame my fear of unknown technology and learned how to blog. And I liked it.

Today I followed suit, by helping myself find the answer to a question concerning Outlook 2003. I looked and looked through the drop down menus for the option I wanted and I just couldn't find it. Normally I would have given up and asked IT to help me, but not today. Today I did what they do when they don't know the answer to one of my questions. I looked it up in the help section. And I found the answer and I solved my own issue. Yay for me! I am once again a woman of independent means.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Official Overreactor

o·ver·re·ac, intr.v. o·ver·re·act·ed, o·ver·re·act·ing, o·ver·re·acts
To react with unnecessary or inappropriate force, emotional display, or violence.

It's official. I'm an overreactor. I'm sulky and childish when i don't get my own way. Example: Yesterday was beautiful and sunny and all I really wanted was to go to the beach, but that wasn't happening so I was willing to settle for the pool. The plan was to go the grocery store, rearrange the garage and then go swimming. In my mind we'd be pool side by 3pm at the latest. Turns out we didn't get there until 9pm.

So when my fiance suggested going to the pool and we got into our swim suits and then he stopped to play on the computer for I few minutes I was livid. I sulked on the couch for a few minutes until i couldn't take it anymore and I stomped up the stairs, past him in the hall and changed back into my regular clothes.

Eventually he coaxed me back into my bathing suit and down to the pool. I knew I was being a child, but I really wanted to be angry at him. To make him pay for making me wait. Wow! That's really loving isn't it? Not!

Wednesday, July 27, 2005


Last night I did what used to be one of my most favorite things in the entire world when I was in high school. I watched "The Real World: Austin." And much to my surprise I liked it. He. He. I watched three episodes in a row.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Who says I can't believe in fairy tales?

My friend and I recently had a e-mail discussion about the fallacy of Prince Charming. She's under the impression that he's still out there and therefore believes that since I am disillusioned with this concept I must be with the wrong guy. I must be doing the dreaded deed of "settling." Ack! The horror!

Anyway, I informed her that it is not that I don't believe in fairy tales, it just that I'm more inclined to identify with Shrek and Fiona than Cinderella and the Prince. And frankly I feel this is a more realistic ideal.

I spent my whole life waiting to be rescued and magically turned into a princess, but what I found when I found my man was something better. I found someone who saw the ogre in me and loved me even more. Someone who loved me for me and never asked me to be "a somebody," but to just be happy. And to order Chinese food when he's too hungry to decide. And to volunteer at beer festivals to get free admission and a cool t-shirt. And to go to beer meetings and taste mead for him. And to stay up until 2am and bottle beer with him. And to drill holes in the bed of a early bronco in order to attach the roll cage. And to drive topless in a jeep wrangler to the beach (no I wasn't topless, the jeep was). And a whole lot of other things that I resisted, but now that I look back I find I'm richer for the experience.

Oh and I found that I always was a princess. I didn't need a prince to tell me that.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Vanity II

It occured to me after my friend Paige commented on my recent blog concerning sculpting foam that I should have ended the entry with gratitude rather than criticism. The truth is I'm really fortunate to have such wonderful friends who like me for who I am. Thank you!

Thursday, July 14, 2005

What I like about him

So it's dawned on me on more than one occasion that I often find myself in conversations with my friends and relatives about our partners. (Perhaps because I am obsessed with this thing we call love, but that's beside the point.) What I find interesting about this trend is that it is seems to be much more common to complain about our SOs than it is to praise them. I can't remember the last time I publicly praised my fiance (probably just after he proposed, which was in January).

And the obvious question is why is this the case? Is it simply easier to be negative? Is it more socially acceptable? If we talk about the positive are we bragging? Are we by human nature concerned that if we overlook the negative more often and focus on the positive that we are in danger of emotional let down? Are we conditioned to grow bitter as we converse until we get so fed up we get divorced?

It seems to me that we get so caught up in trying to compromise or make it work or get our own way that we forget why we got into the relationship in the first place. In the majority of situations, we hopped onto the relationship roller coaster because there was something we liked about the person who was asking us to sit in the seat next to them.

I know. I know. You're thinking I liked him/her then, but the person I'm with now is nothing like that. Chances are there still a few of those original attractive character traits underneath the coffee slurping and the incessant snoring.

So I say, "let's all take a day to remember what it is that we like about our partners." To help you out I have provided a list of things that I came up with that I like about my fiance. It is as follows:
He's smart.
He's funny.
He's spontaneous.
He's fun-loving.
He's playful.
He's goofy.
He's sweet.
He's sensitive.
He's manly.
He's strong.
He's sexy.
He's romantic.
He's loving.
He's responsible.
He's tall.
He's strong.
He's fast.
He's intuitive.
He's sexy.
He's energetic.
He's productive.
He's creative.
He's clever.
He's adventurous.

That aught to get you started. Have fun and enjoy your mate for a day, or two, or a lifetime.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005


Ok. I'm 26 years old, which is old enough to have had quite a few different hair dos and of course my fair share of hair don'ts. From the mullet in 6th grade to the pixie cut my senior year in high school, I've had quite a few hair adventures--the majority of which were not sans some kind of hair care product. That's what makes this recent debacle so disconcerting.

I've recently been trying to grow my hair out for the wedding and honestly it's been hell; especially lately. I wake up in the morning, take a shower, put on my make-up and blow dry my hair. Trust me it me it looks good when I leave the bathroom (or at least I think it does), but, by the time I get to work it will be going in 72 different directions and look like I don't give a damn, which is just not true, I'm far to vain for that.

And then yesterday it dawned on me. Why not buy some mousse? Pomade obviously hasn't been cutting it and texture paste was a greasy disaster. So I bought a small bottle of Paul Mitchell's Medium Hold conditioning mousee and tried it out this morning. Not only did it smell good enough to eat, it actually helped my hair look better after I blew it dry than it normally does and it stayed that way all day. Even after I put my hair behind my ears! Stupendous! Why this idea hadn't occurred to me earlier I don't know.

I almost wish someone had taken me aside and said, "Now don't take this the wrong way, but maybe some mousse and a blow dryer would help that hair do out." It's kinda like having spinach stuck in your teeth and giving a presentation and no one tells you until the end. Or like the time that I went to Harvey's Comedy club and the comedian's fly was down and it kept getting lower and lower and no one said anything for like 15 minutes to a half an hour. It was so uncomfortable. I know that my hair is no one else's responsibility, but shesh! Help a girl out once in a while will ya?

Thursday, July 07, 2005

It's All About The Attitude

So, I'm reading Night Swimming by Robin Schwarz and it's interesting. The heroine is fat...253 pounds to be exact. At least at the beginning of the book, but after she is diagnosed with terminal cancer and one year to live, she quits her job and moves to Hollywood where she buys an apartment in a complex with a kidney shaped pool and begins to swim every night. Her nightly swims lead to a release of all her harbored emotional trauma from growing up in a small town as well as her losing 175 pounds. In the mean time she falls in love with the pool guy who begins to reciprocate those feelings once she reaches 150, but don't worry she doesn't stop there...she keeps losing weight.

Anyway, as far fetched as the story might be, the author had me until today when I realized that she has made a connection between getting your life together and losing weight and personally...I beg to differ. I happen to know plenty of thin people who do not have their ducks in a row. They don't think positive all the time. They aren't completely self aware. They are not emotionally superior human beings.

Why can't fat just be fat and emotional superiority be emotional superiority. Like Dr. Phil says when dealing with finances you're only dealing with finances. Maybe when dealing with food, you are only dealing with food. Life is difficult and challenging for lots of us. I don't think that it is any less difficult if you are thin. We all have our vices. Why should I have to get my whole life together in order to be my ideal weight? Harrumph.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

What? Did I stutter?

I've read that when a woman tells her man that he's doing something that makes her unhappy and suggests a way to alleviate the issues he believes that she is being helpful, but the man does not see it this way at all. In the man's mind she is nagging. Subsequently he tunes her out, regardless of how astute her observation may be. In Chuck Snyder's books Incompatibility: Still Grounds For A Great Marriage and Men: Some Assembly Required, he says that our only hope is to cross our fingers and pray that some other man will come along and give our man the same advice that we did. Because when this happens our man will be struck by the other man's genius (originally the woman's genius mind you) and possibly even motivated to change.

Personal Example:

My fiance has a fast metabolism. He comes from a long line of tall slender men. He is built exactly like his father who is built exactly like his father. No matter what my fiance eats he remains approximately the same size (except in the summer he looses 10 pounds from the heat). I am very jealous of this trait of his, but that is beside the point.

This seemingly physical perfection does not come without it's price. If he's not careful his blood sugar will drop drastically and, as one friend who has a similar situation stated, he will be "possessed by the demon." He becomes irritable and introverted and often refuses to eat at this point. Argh!

So here's the interesting part. I've been telling him for the three years that we've been dating that this is an issue. Furthermore he knows it's an issue himself. Often times when he is cranky and irritable (which I take personally and feel hurt) he cites hunger as a reason. So he's not oblivious of this correlation, but that doesn't mean he's changed his approach or attitude in anyway.

And then he's tells his dad a story in which "hunger made him act like a jerk" and his dad says, "I knew this guy who was hypoglycemic. Maybe you are too." Now he gets it. Now he thinks, "Maybe I should go to the doctor and get tested. Maybe I should think about changing the way I eat." Grrr! I know I should be happy because he might actually do something about this behavior now, but seriously, I spent three frustrated years trying to beat this logic into his brain.


I'm not entirely convinced that he will do much of anything though. He seems to like to be able to blame his negative traits on "his disorder." First I tell him that he has to get diagnosed by a doctor to have a disorder and second he's gonna have to change his diet. I think he tuned me out already. Maybe his dad will tell him. I can only hope.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Talking to Strangers

Apparently I have a sign that says "Please Talk To Me" on my forehead that only crazy people can read. Ok some sane strangers approach me for directions now and then, but usually it's just the crazy people.

Yesterday I was head down reading my book Blink (which is really interesting and I recommend if you're interested in the power of your subconscious) on the Max on the way to work(our city's electric train system), when this 50 year old guy interrupts me to ask me what I'm reading. I mean seriously...What is this?

I don't speak. I only show him the cover and he proceeds to talk to me about it. I proceed to try and ignore him politely and read my book. Subsequently, I learned that he had supposedly been in the military and suffered a major brain injury which took a year to heal and required extensive plastic surgery to make him look normal again, as well as receiving a bullet to the gut which rendered him in 9 hours of pelvic surgery, during which he experienced a post death experience and boy was he mad when they brought him back.

These events destroyed his chance at making a career out of the military, which was his dream. He also informed me that 95% of the things we do in our lives are dictated by the compulsive subconscious and his sister is living proof of that because she loves to shop and isn't happy unless she's spending money. This behavior puts her house and family at risk.

Honestly, it sounded like a crazy person in disguise repeating a week of Jerry Springer episodes. And this is when I thought, what's a girl to do? I don't want to be rude, but I really just want to read my book.

No offense to my favorite colleagues who frequent this blog from time to time, but this strange phenomena can be seen at work too. For the most part I think I try very hard to focus on my work and mind my own business. It's not that I don't like other people, it's just that I don't mind doing my own thing. This probably comes from being an only child and having to learn how to get along alone.

Anyway, I share a communal space with three men who are trainers so they are often out teaching class, but at the odd chance they are actually at their desks and it happens to be just me and one of them (I don't leave my desk very often except to go to the Lou or to get snacking) they inevitably sigh and embark in drawing me out in conversation.

Why? I don't know. It's got to be painful for them. They all know I tune out the majority of what they say. I forget to respond at all the right parts and often have no idea what they were talking about when they're finished, which I demonstrate by asking an ill timed totally off track question. And yet they continue to attempt.

I don't get it. It's like the more I resist, the more they want to talk to me.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Midlife Crisis

I've heard that we actually have more than one mid life crisis. I think I can identify with that. I'm not even 30 yet and I can look back and see multiple times where I've stopped to rethink my definition of myself and/or my desired path to the future me. Now is another one of those times.

I'm nearing the end of my first year at my first "real" job after college and as I look back I'm wondering, am I happy here? Is this what I expected? Is this the kind of life I want 5 years from now? Is it a stepping stone to that life?

Post graduation I developed this theory that there are two lines of logic to follow when choosing a career path: a)you have certain lifestyle aspirations outside of work and you need a job that will provide the income level required to sustain that lifestyle or b)your work is your life so you choose a job that is exciting and fulfilling and your life outside of work enriches you to do your job (with this choice comes the natural notion that you will choose to live within your means, whatever that may be based on your career).

Granted there are a lot of people who do not think about their life work in this way. They work because that is what adults do. They take the jobs they can get and they buy what they can buy with the money they make from these jobs or the credit cards they get offered in the mail.

Truthfully, I always thought I'd find myself in some combination of both and in many ways I have. Although I'm finding out quickly that I am not happy to stay here in the middle and would prefer to choose one path over the other.

I keep asking myself, "where do I see myself in 5 years?" and for the first time in a long time, I'm not sure. On one hand I see myself in a small mountain town helping my fiance run a pub and on the other hand I see myself getting my five years of experience and moving up in the world of communications, all the while writing on the side and working toward being published, as well as paying of my student loans, saving to buy a house and go on our honeymoon to New Zealand or Fiji.

I think that in either scenario I could be happy and unhappy. Each one has it's limitations and it's freedoms. In many ways it's a matter of choice. In the past I might have thought that one was right and one was wrong, but I'm no longer convinced that life is quite that black and white. Naturally, life will throw it's curve balls, sliders and change ups, which ever choice I make, whether I'm ready for it or not.

A Follow Up

My friend terra sent me this site of fun archaic words in the English language, Luciferous Logolepsy. Peruse at your leisure.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005


My friend Gerry and I both like to discover new words. Quite honestly, I like to make my own words up whenever I get a chance, so I was pleased when my friend Stephanie forwarded me the list of words created for the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational.

Apparently they asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. I'm only including the one's I find entertaining. Hope you enjoy!

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Friday, June 03, 2005

Big Nerd

Today my friend Terra and I went to Trade Secret to look at nail polish during our lunch break. She kept tripping over her tongue and saying silly things so I started to laugh and then I let out a big snort. We had to leave because I couldn't stop laughing and she said, “You’re a big dork. You just snorted.” And I paused briefly and realized that she was right and it’s about time that I accepted it.

Thursday, June 02, 2005! I'm a big kid now!

Um...attention all loyal readers. You may remember my first blog about my hesitancy toward blogging because I was intimidated by the internet and the software. Well...I've come a long way baby! You'll notice in the blog immediately before this one that I successfully managed to add a functional link to the body of the blog that opens in its own window. I'm so proud of myself I'm glowing.

The Dress

So the dress I ordered came in time for my mom and dad to see me try it on while they were here visiting and they hate it. They say it is too plain. I like it. I like that it is plain. It's made of beautiful silk fabric and lays nicely and has a flattering A-line shape, but is not too full or too heavy. It's not too sparkly or lacey. It's not to expensive or cheap. It is right in the middle. And it's comfortable. And it has no train. Yay!

My mom says, "We can work with it." She means accessorize. I wonder, "am I not 'beautiful' enough that I need a sparkly dress to help?" Perhaps. Can't I just wear sparkly shoes? I love sparkly shoes, but not sparkly dresses. Hmmm...

I think my dad will kill me when he finds how much it costs now that he's seen how plain it is. He won't understand about the importance of the fabric. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's not the right dress. Maybe I'm just too afraid to make any kind of statement. Maybe I just need to suck it up and dare myself to wear something with beads and/or lace on it.

But that means I have to go to another dress shop. Yuck! I like it. I really do. But I hate the idea of my parents being disappointed because I am to plain and all my relatives and thinking, "Wow! That dress is so plain." Everyone says you have to find the dress that fits, but I'm not sure that in this case I should take them literally. I'm so confused. My heart shouts, "I love this dress!" and my mind says, "You could be making a huge mistake!" (Ah. The similarities between the dress hunt and the man hunt always amaze me.)

FYI to view the dress click here.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

The Essay

Ok. So I want to write an essay for the Conversely Anecdote Essay Competition. It’s due June 30 and I’m running out of time.

I’m not sure what to write about I thought about writing about soul mates but it’s been done. Then I thought about comfortability, but I don’t exactly know how I would approach that. I wonder what they are all about...relationships? I could talk about getting married, but I could never compare to what Susan Jane Gilman and Psychology Today have written.

I need to pick a story. A good one. Like getting sick at the dress shop. Or maybe I could pick compatibility and talk about the kilt or the dinner at Oba.

Or maybe I could talk about how everybody craves intimacy, but it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Or maybe I could talk about ‘all the work.' Like if you don’t own up to the fact that a relationship is a lot of work then you’re a stupid pansy, but if you do then you’re depressed because it seems like there is no point in pursuing a relationship because who wants to work at it all the time.

Perhaps, the only reason we end up in relationships is because of the pink fluffy cloud stage. Is it possible that the pink fluffy cloud stage doesn’t end for some people? If it ends for everyone, then how does one know if he or she is in the right relationship? Or is the point supposed to be that at that stage you’re already so invested in the relationship that you can't leave? Perhaps that is it.


Main Entry: 1sharp
Pronunciation: 'shärp
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English scearp; akin to Old High German scarf sharp and perhaps to Old English scrapian to scrape -- more at SCRAPE
1 : adapted to cutting or piercing: as a : having a thin keen edge or fine point b : briskly or bitingly cold : NIPPING (a sharp wind)
2 a : keen in intellect : QUICK-WITTED b : keen in perception : ACUTE (sharp sight) c : keen in attention : VIGILANT (keep a sharp lookout) d : keen in attention to one's own interest sometimes to the point of being unethical (a sharp trader)
3 : keen in spirit or action: as a : full of activity or energy : BRISK (sharp blows) b : capable of acting or reacting strongly; especially : CAUSTIC
4 : SEVERE, HARSH: as a : inclined to or marked by irritability or anger (a sharp temper) b : causing intense mental or physical distress (a sharp pain) c : cutting in language or import (a sharp rebuke)
5 : affecting the senses or sense organs intensely: as a (1) : having a strong odor or flavor (sharp cheese) (2) : ACRID b : having a strong piercing sound c : having the effect of or involving a sudden brilliant display of light (a sharp flash)
6 a : terminating in a point or edge (sharp features) b : involving an abrupt or marked change especially in direction (a sharp turn) c : clear in outline or detail : DISTINCT (a sharp image) d : set forth with clarity and distinctness (sharp contrast)
7 a of a tone : raised a half step in pitch b : higher than the proper pitch c : MAJOR, AUGMENTED -- used of an interval in music
- sharp•ly adverb
- sharp•ness noun
synonyms SHARP, KEEN, ACUTE mean having or showing alert competence and clear understanding. SHARP implies quick perception, clever resourcefulness, or sometimes questionable trickiness (sharp enough to spot a confidence game). KEEN suggests quickness, enthusiasm, and a penetrating mind (a keen observer of the political scene). ACUTE implies a power to penetrate and may suggest subtlety and sharpness of discrimination (an acute sense of style).

Tuesday, May 24, 2005


Call me crazy, but I still believe in destiny. I believe that everything happens for a reason, particularly when it comes to romance. I believe that my fiance was put here specifically for me. That he and I were made for each other. That something bigger than ourselves brought us together. I have no scientific basis for this belief. I just felt it. He felt it too. That we were meant to be together.

Every once in a while I go back to that moment when we first fell in love, first discovered our fate, and I am conflicted. If we are "soul mates," why does it have to be so hard? Why do we have to plan out every detail of our lives so as not to upset the other person? Write it down. Repeat it three times. Hash it out if we have different agendas. Why do I doubt our love for each other and yet trust it completely at the same time? Why do we have to work at accepting each other as unique and wonderful individuals? Shouldn't all this come naturally if we were meant to be? Shouldn't it be easy? Constantly fulfilling. Never exhausting or frustrating.

When do you know if you're working too hard? When do you know if you are admirably working to compromise or if you are desperately trying to change the other person? Liz Scot writes in her essay "MWF: ISO Soul Mate," "What bothers me is the popular interpretation of 'soul mate', with its pathetic ring of desperation for love and companionship (desperation on which the advertisers of LavaLife happily capitalize), its syrupy enthusiasm for common tastes over common values, its assumption of a fairy-tale perfection that never exists in real relationships and its socially acceptable veneer as an excuse to keep trying on new partners rather than working to get comfortable with the one you already have." Sounds like a much better alternative doesn't it? Not necessarily.

If not for the fairy-tale, how's a girl supposed to know if the relationship is "right"? Maybe the trick is to alter the fairy-tale itself. Much like in the movie "Shrek." We still get the romance, the fairy-tale, but with a bit more honesty. We are all ogres after all. Maybe the trick is to just accept it.

Monday, May 23, 2005

It's Not What I Expected

Sometimes I am washed over by waves of meloncholy that I don't really expect. This weekend was one of those times. I'm not sure what brings it on or if it's even worth putting stock into. I mean I have so much going for me. I have a great job that allows me to use all the skills I went to school for, not to mention the benefits and the normal hours that allow me to have a life outside of my work, which is what I said I wanted when planning for post graduation. I have a great fiance who loves me very much and is willing to let me continue to restock my wardrobe. I have a wide variety of good friends. I've got a great dog and a great aparment and a great fish tank. I've got time to run and read and write. When I look back at what I said I wanted when I was 15 this is almost exactly it, but it's not exactly what I expected. Maybe it's better and I'm just now seeing it.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

It's Official. I'm Totally Confused!

I'm getting married in January of 2006. I vacillate between excitement and cynicism. I love my fiance and am anticipating many years of marriage. However, there is no guarantee. I am not blind to this. Most of us aren't anymore. So I find it difficult to reach a level of bridal giddiness. A fact that gives me guilt pangs. But, I have my moments. For instance, yesterday I finally ordered the dress I've been drooling over for months. Yes, I'm still capable of lust for the gown. (Rest assured it is not my mom's favorite. It's too plain for her taste. She's not convinced that it will make me the "breath taking beauty" I should be on my wedding day.)

In the process of ordering the dress over the phone at the J. Crew store at Pioneer Place, my cell phone began to ring "Here Comes the Bride." I giggled as I struggled to shut it up and the woman on the other line asked, "Are you a blushing bride?" I blushed as I gurgled a very elated, "Yes."

Only the day before, I skipped work to go dress shopping with my future sister-in-law. I think I was a horrible disappointment. She was looking forward to a day of living vicariously through me as I tried on dress after dress smothered in beads and lace. But in the first store all I could think about was how I had to pee, so I apathetically flipped through a few dresses until I felt enough time had passed and we could politely leave the store after giving it our best effort to search for a public toilet. The nearest one was at a Tully's coffe shop so naturally we had to buy tea and a italian soda, but the second store wouldn't let us bring our beverages in. We sat outside under an awning in two wicker chairs until our drinks were gone while it rained all around us.

Upon entering the store the girl at the counter was extremely friendly. She showed us all around the store, explaining how things were organized and then left us alone to browse. As I began to browse my palms began to sweat, my ears grew red, my cheeks got hot and my stomach began to gurgle uncontrolably. I don't know if it was the $2900 price tag or the Spanish lace or the Reem Acra's in the corner, but I found myself desperately needing the toilet again. I stumbled out to interrupt my sister-in-law who was discussing the dresses I had picked with the clerk to say, "I'm not feeling well I need to take a walk around the block." Both of them looked so hurt and disappointed I felt horrible, but after the walk I couldn't muster up the courage to go back inside so we went to the nearest mall and wandered aimlessly until it was time for her to pick her son up from school. We were too depressed to buy anything at that point.

So I couldn't help but feel some pride when I found myself abandoning my reservations and embracing my inner princess while my phone announced to the world that I am the coveted "bride to be."


A friend recently chided me for not blogging more regularly. At first I was taken aback, but then I looked at the date of my most recent blog and realized it had been a while. Why the delay, I asked myself. It's not as though I haven't had things to talk about. Actually it has been quite the opposite. I realized, after looking over this friend's site, that I have been to concerned with being profound. But this is silly, for profundity comes when you least expect it. It has nothing to do with the length of the blog or the topic. In fact, I think profundity is most often found in those moments of complete honesty about the seemingly simple and often mundane. So here it is my blog about blogging. I'm working up my nerve to talk about wedding dress shopping, but for now this will have to do.

Monday, May 09, 2005

The Eye Of The Beholder

Saturday was International Home Brewers Day. My fiancé has been brewing his own beer for about two months now and so we went to a gathering of brewers in our area to celebrate the day. Needless to say the place was crawling with men and I was pretty much the only girl for most of the day. But rest assured I can hold my own when it comes to drinking beer. In fact, I have a tendency to pack it away. On our way home my man made a comment about how I fit right in and was like one of the guys. Honestly, I couldn't tell if he was happy with that or not. And I definately couldn't tell if I was happy with that or not myself. I began to wonder if it is it possible to be both guys and one of the ladies? If not, which team do I prefer? (I don't mean this sexually mind you.) Today I was waiting for the max and I was thinking, "can I be hot and cool at the same time?"
Or is it even up to me? See, I was always the girl that the guys told about how much they liked her friend.

I'm not sure why I am only now able to verbalize this. Nor am I sure what to do with this information now that I have it. However, I found out in a glorious moment of honesty with a girlfriend that I am not alone. She said she’s felt this way all her life as well and this is what she tells herself, “The guys who want to be with a truly ‘cool’ girl will find you hot for so many other reasons, even if it's not the physical reasons and they are the ones that are worth being with. The ones who say stupid shit like, ‘Well, she's so fun, but I'm just not attracted to her’ or something similar-who wants to be with them, anyway? Honestly....I feel like kicking those idiots in the shins and being like, ‘You know, it's a pity your stupidity doesn't hurt you on a daily basis.
That's a really cool girl and if you can't see that, you don't deserve her.’"

For me part of being one of the guys includes drinking and eating like one of the guys which are skills I have perfected in the three years I’ve been with my fiancé and can now do quite comfortably even when I’m alone or with my girlfriends. Yay! For me. However, eating and drinking like a man who works on his feet hoisting big plates of steel around while having the metabolism of a girl who sits in front of a computer everyday has it’s obvious consequences. Yesterday, I was feeling really bad about myself because I keep gaining weight so I was pouting and my fiancé wrapped me in a big hug and said, "you're beautiful," even though I didn't tell him what was going on. I said, "no I'm not." And he said the most wonderful thing. He said, "you're my kind of beautiful." That was nice, but at the same time I was thinking "I want to be universally beautiful," you know? Even if, as Susan Jane Gilman says in Kiss My Tiara, it doesn't make the line to the toilet any shorter.

What I realized was that I didn't feel like I was my kind of beautiful. And that's when I realized that I didn't know if I wanted to be "hot" or "cool." Sometimes it makes me really mad that I even have to deal with this. Why can't we all just be beautiful? So my girlfriend says to me, “there's a few answers to that question. None of which you're going to like…. Well, I was going to first react by saying, ‘Well if we were all beautiful, none of us would be. We'd just be the same.’ Then I was going to say, ‘We need to be beautiful in our own minds. That's the only place that counts. ’But, both of those are kinda bullshit.’” I like the first answer. It doesn't sound so bad.

Maybe we are all beautiful we're just looking at it from the wrong angle. But maybe we're not supposed to feel beautiful, because maybe if we all felt beautiful it would be dangerous. I wonder if beautiful people feel beautiful. If we’re all beautiful and I don’t feel beautiful then that would be a no. What is it anyway? Beautiful? Is it a certain fat percentage? A certain angle of the nose? A certain width of the eyes? I like Webster’s definition: the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit : LOVELINESS. However, I don’t know how the guys would feel about it.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Burning a Hole in My Pocket

My fiance and I have been trying this new money management tactic. We've put ourselves on an allowance. We have three envelopes. One for him, one for me and one for things that affect both of us like groceries or gas, etc.

What's interesting about this tactic is that it works relatively well, but it is not easy. I find that with this method I am constantly confronted by my desires, my need to consume, my inherent greed. This is not exactly my favorite personality trait, but I'm told I'm not alone. Apparently others have this trait too. I hope I'm not the only one who throws a temper tantrum when they realize that they cannot feed the greed any more stuff because they're out of cold hard cash. Greed is like a icky monster in my heart...the more I buy to satisfy this nagging desire...the more I want it seems. It's appetite is insatiable.

According to Rich Dad, Poor Dad the secret to financial success is to overcome greed and fear. I got to this part in the book and decided not to read any further, because my only response to this is, "DUH! If I knew how to do that I would have already and I wouldn't be reading this stupid book." Maybe if I Kept reading I would have found the answer to overcoming these emotions that affect so many decisions.

I was recently given a gift card that I can use anywhere I want on anything I want. "Finally! A shopping spree," I thought. However, I seem to be paralyzed by fear of making the wrong decision. I've learned that when I spend the money it is gone and whatever I bought with the money will only make me happy for a short time. I've found that I actually enjoy thinking about all the things I could buy and how they would make me happy. I think I'm afraid to use the card and destroy the illusion. Go figure!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005


My natural inclination is to be resistant to anything computer related. Not that computers are really all that difficult to operate. Or that I'm even so old that I didn't grow up using one. I'm not sure why my first reaction to something new involving computers, like setting up a blogger account, is to run and hide, but this is the way it is.

However, I find that when I overcome my fear of the unknown or the uncomfortable I am pleased with the results and so here I am, with my first blogger account. I'm a blogger virgin. I don't know the lingo or any of the fancy moves. I suppose i will learn them as I go in front of whomever chooses to read my entries. My only hope is that my blogs will be entertaining to the poor sap who gets stuck on my page.

More to come!