It's Official. I'm Totally Confused!

I'm getting married in January of 2006. I vacillate between excitement and cynicism. I love my fiance and am anticipating many years of marriage. However, there is no guarantee. I am not blind to this. Most of us aren't anymore. So I find it difficult to reach a level of bridal giddiness. A fact that gives me guilt pangs. But, I have my moments. For instance, yesterday I finally ordered the dress I've been drooling over for months. Yes, I'm still capable of lust for the gown. (Rest assured it is not my mom's favorite. It's too plain for her taste. She's not convinced that it will make me the "breath taking beauty" I should be on my wedding day.)

In the process of ordering the dress over the phone at the J. Crew store at Pioneer Place, my cell phone began to ring "Here Comes the Bride." I giggled as I struggled to shut it up and the woman on the other line asked, "Are you a blushing bride?" I blushed as I gurgled a very elated, "Yes."

Only the day before, I skipped work to go dress shopping with my future sister-in-law. I think I was a horrible disappointment. She was looking forward to a day of living vicariously through me as I tried on dress after dress smothered in beads and lace. But in the first store all I could think about was how I had to pee, so I apathetically flipped through a few dresses until I felt enough time had passed and we could politely leave the store after giving it our best effort to search for a public toilet. The nearest one was at a Tully's coffe shop so naturally we had to buy tea and a italian soda, but the second store wouldn't let us bring our beverages in. We sat outside under an awning in two wicker chairs until our drinks were gone while it rained all around us.

Upon entering the store the girl at the counter was extremely friendly. She showed us all around the store, explaining how things were organized and then left us alone to browse. As I began to browse my palms began to sweat, my ears grew red, my cheeks got hot and my stomach began to gurgle uncontrolably. I don't know if it was the $2900 price tag or the Spanish lace or the Reem Acra's in the corner, but I found myself desperately needing the toilet again. I stumbled out to interrupt my sister-in-law who was discussing the dresses I had picked with the clerk to say, "I'm not feeling well I need to take a walk around the block." Both of them looked so hurt and disappointed I felt horrible, but after the walk I couldn't muster up the courage to go back inside so we went to the nearest mall and wandered aimlessly until it was time for her to pick her son up from school. We were too depressed to buy anything at that point.

So I couldn't help but feel some pride when I found myself abandoning my reservations and embracing my inner princess while my phone announced to the world that I am the coveted "bride to be."