Thursday, February 16, 2006

This Is It?

Last night I had a melt down. I broke into tears on the way home from the max because the book I was reading was full of short essays by prolific women authors and all I could think of was "That was supposed to be me." I couldn't even make it up the stairs.

I cried my way to the library. I cried my way home. I cried my way to the mail box. I cried my way home. I cried when I opened my birthday card from my Aunt Doc, which said "May beautiful opportunities open up for you this year." (I sure hope they do, but at the rate my life has been moving along I doubt it.) I cried when I couldn't get on the internet. I managed to stop crying for The Simpsons and to eat dinner. I cried at One Tree Hill multiple times, but especially when the coach was talking about what to do when life doesn't turn out the way you expect it to. He said we shouldn't be bitter, but just accept the hand we're dealt.

I'm not convinced. There's got to be some in between. Some retaliation. So when I wake up in the morning and see that I've become everything I never wanted to be, I can stomp my foot down and scream!

But it shouldn't just stop there. I should be able to affect change. I should be able to reroute my life. Shouldn't I? How do I know when it's time to rebel and when to acquiesce?

My life has not turned out as I imagined it would. Do I just take it for what it is? Or do I stand up and fight? If I plan to duke it out, what am I duking? Who or what is the enemy here?

4 comments:

Martha said...

I go through this all the time. I don't have a cheerful response. Just know that you are not alone in this feeling. See you later today!

Martha said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

What was the name of the bar in WA that only served washington beers? Where was it?

brataloid said...

thanks. i think it was called the harbor public house and it was on bainbridge island. go to the chamber of commerce and they'll give you directions.

Carlos said...

I don't know of anyone's life that has turned out exactly how they pictured it when they were younger.

As far as being able to reroute your life, I think of it more as being able to evolve your life. Reroute seems somewhat jarring, almost as if you abandon what you were before to start anew.

At your core, you'll be the same person tomorrow that you are today but you can still change parts of your life.

It's improbable that anyone's life makes a 180 degree turn overnight, so I think of change as evolutionary not revolutionary.

It can happen, but most likely it'll happen slowly as you evolve into the new you.

Evolve into who and what you want to be. We have faith.