duplicity

noun: acting in bad faith; deception by pretending to entertain one set of intentions while acting under the influence of another
noun: a fraudulent or duplicitous representation

Focus

• noun: maximum clarity or distinctness of an image rendered by an optical system (Example: "In focus")
• noun: maximum clarity or distinctness of an idea (Example: "The controversy brought clearly into focus an important difference of opinion")
• noun: the concentration of attention or energy on something (Example: "The focus of activity shifted to molecular biology")
• noun: a fixed reference point on the concave side of a conic section
• noun: a point of convergence of light (or other radiation) or a point from which it diverges
• noun: a central point or locus of an infection in an organism (Example: "The focus of infection")
• noun: special emphasis attached to something
  
• verb: cause to converge on or toward a central point (Example: "Focus the light on this image")
• verb: put (an image) into focus (Example: "Please focus the image")
• verb: become focussed or come into focus (Example: "The light focused")
• verb: direct one's attention on something (Example: "Please focus on your studies and not on your hobbies")
• verb: bring into focus or alignment; to converge or cause to converge; of ideas or emotions

Forward Thinking

When G messaged me today to tell me he was selling my golf clubs on Craigslist I felt a deep sense of loss. Albeit, we golfed once last summer. I was still mourning for the summer before when we golfed often. During that time we met some fun people. It was also a fun activity that helped us get to know some of our friends better. Plus they allowed us to drink beer and get exercise two of our favorite activities. What could be better?

However, golfing together was not always fun. Sometimes we get paired up with people we didn't want to know. Other times we were followed by a group of pushers that had no patience for the nine shots it takes for me to get to the green. Sometimes I found myself just plain frustrated because I had no patience for the nine shots it took for me to get to the green. So I declared that I wouldn't go again until I could take lessons. However, lessons never happened and therefore, golfing didn't happen for a long time.

Then I changed my tune. I started asking G to go with me, but he wasn't interested. However, I did finally get him to take me to the driving range where he recently helped me get my swing back. It was fantastic! By that time he had already made up his mind to sell our clubs though.

He's been on a crusade to sell everything in the garage that we don't use. The rock climbing shoes that never got to try their feat at Smith Rock. The tennis racquets that were only used once in the last two years at Gabriel Park. The charcoal BBQ that we used to use all the time until we ran out of charcoal and bought a George Foreman grill instead. All of these remind me of how it used to be or how it could have been. I've been having a hard time letting them go.

I've recently realized that I seem to be either stuck in the past longing for the way it was or floating in the future hoping for "better time." A walk with a good friend helped me realize that I aught to be living in the here and now. As Eoin Finn says in Power Yoga for Happiness "focusing my Gandhi laser there."

Now That's True Love (I Think)

A nice little story about a couple in India that got married over the telephone. No it's not a joke. Click here for more.

Is It Really Stealing?

It's 2:30pm on Wednesday afternoon. My boss is out of the office today and I'm on my third cup of decaf Chai. The requisite International Coffees French Vanilla creamer and the two packets of Splenda in each cup have coated my tongue and my teeth. My eyelids start to droop.

Being on what I refer to as the "undiet", which means you listen to your body and eat what you want when you're hungry until you're satisfied, I decide that rather than eating some sugar laden snack that would only weigh me down more I would like to go for a walk.

Working in a building that is attached to one of the largest malls in the Portland Metro Area has it's advantages. One of which is easy access to Barnes & Noble. Whenever I'm craving creative impetus I head in their direction.

As I walk I promise myself that I will look at the writing journals. I know exactly where they are and walk directly to that section. Unfortunately, there is a waify librarianesque B&N employee with hippie roots lurking in front of the stand scanning all my precious magazines and literary journals.

I reach around her for the newest copy of TinHouse a local "quarterly which publishes fiction, poetry and essays by new and established writers." I browse through it briefly until a copy of Writer's Digest catches my eye. I decide to hold on to this gem as I look for more mental nourishment.

The employee is still scanning the magazines in my section so I decide to move to Current Events. There's a new issue of Utne. It's stories are intriguing, but not enough to spend the $5 it costs to actually buy the magazine and take it home to read it. I've only got $20 in my purse and I'm saving it for something really special.

Knowing Utne relatively well I begin my search for the free online access password. I find it within the first 20 pages and quickly commit it to memory. I put both magazines back and shuffle out of the store before anyone can catch on to what I've done. The sensors don't go off. No one comes running after me. I'm home free.

However, as I take my first step toward Old Navy to look for a new shirt for Tater it dawns on me that Utne is about social consciousness and responsible citizenship. That's what I like about it. I've even thought about trying to work there some day.

I decide not to compromise myself by using the password. Instead, I will try and remember the password until the next issue comes out and tell everyone because I think what they chose is funny, although it won't really be funny then. At least I'll get some use out of it that way.

Too Cute to Keep to Myself Any Longer

Poor little sick doggies. Hope you feel better soon. We love you.

Shoes

Why is it that the more we become women the smaller our shoes get?

When I was younger I could get away with wearing a chunky heel that was supportive and relatively comfortable.

but as my body begins to fill out and break down fashion no longer supports that. Rather it requests a higher, thinner heel in a narrower shoe with less support.

Even the shoes that look comfortable but professional are secretly uncomfortable.

And the ones that are comfortable don't look professional.

Why is it so difficult to make a shoe that is comfortable, but looks stylish and professional.

Friends

A quote from Appetites by Geneen Roth:

"We need to build our friendships on truth and wholeness and expansiveness. We need friends who can be with us in our loneliness, not people who will cheer us up so that we don't feel it. We need friends who get furious with us when we are not being real or true to ourselves, not who get angry when we don't do what they wants us to do. We need friends who are not afraid of our pain or our joy. We need friends who are not invested in the way we look, what we do or what we feel, who are willing to see us without reference to themselves. We need friends who are willing to break out of gravity-bound orbits and sin with us into the unknown.

And we need to become those friends ourselves."

To my friends...this is a declaration that I am a work in progress toward being this kind of friend.

Aren't they cute?

Happy Easter Bailey and Tater!

Tobacco=Fast Food

It has long been my humble opinion that grocers, restraunters and other food purveyors have an ethical and moral responsibility to provide products that are "healthy" for their customers. I am inarticulate this morning, but I provide the following like to "Junk Food Jihad" and article I found on MSN.com. Hopefully, they explain my sentiments better. I'm just happy to see that someone else agrees with me and that perhaps some day things will change.

Gaining Ground Farm

I found a flyer for Gaining Ground Farm by the mailbox yesterday. I would really like to be a subscriber. I really think the Mike, Jill, Kamili and Izzie sound like a wonder family and wonderful farmers.

I also really believe that what they are doing is not only better for our bodies, but better for our communities and better for our environment and economy as a whole.

BUT, I can't justify paying $500 for 20 weeks of fresh veggies and eggs up front. What if I don't like it? What if it's too much and it goes to waste? What if I can't arrange to make it to the pick ups on time?

I don't think $25 a week for produce and eggs is unreasonable. I just wish I could pay as I go.

I Am Lame.

I've officially entered the land of Lamedom. Today a bunch of people from work are going to a Thirsty Thursday game at PGE Park. While I appreciate that I was invited, I declined.

Why?

Well, one, I need to go home and let little Tater out to pee. His bladder just can't hold it that long. Two, it's cold and windy outside. Burr! Three, I just don't feel like drinking to get drunk and spending a lot of money to do it. Which is what these kinds of events always turn into for me. Four, I really want to go to the library and pick up my books that are on hold waiting for me. It will be much warmer in there.

Interestingly, I'm not horrified by attaining residency in Lamedom. I'm rather pleased about it actually.

Why?

One, I said no to something I really don't want to do, despite the fact that these people may reject me and never invite me to something again. Two, I won't have a hangover in the morning. Three, I'll still have money in my bank account in the morning. Three, I'll be warm.

The only downfall: missing out on some fun bonding time with my coworkers. Ah hell! I can do that tomorrow at work.

Cookies

Last night I made chocolate chip oatmeal cookies. I told myself I wouldn't eat any of the dough while I was making them...that I would just wait until the cookies were done. Naturally, that didn't happen.

Today on my way to work I realized that I don't like chocolate chip cookies after they are cooked. *laugh* Not even when they are fresh out of the oven. I just like the dough. Ha! Ha! So from now on I guess I will just make the dough. Maybe I'll skip the eggs in the process so as not to risk getting salmonella.

per•spec•tive [ pər spéktiv ] (plural per•spec•tives) (n)

1. particular evaluation of something: a particular evaluation of a situation or facts, especially from one person's point of view (i. e. a different perspective on the matter)

2. measured assessment of situation: a measured or objective assessment of a situation, giving all aspects their comparative importance
He's having trouble keeping things in perspective right now.

3. appearance of distant objects to observer: the appearance of objects to an observer allowing for the effect of their distance from the observer

4. graphic arts allowance for artistic perspective when drawing: the theory or practice of allowing for artistic perspective when drawing or painting

5. vista: a vista or view

[14th century. Via French <>per·spec·tive·ly (adv)

Synonyms: viewpoint, standpoint, outlook, point of view, view, perception, side, angle, take, evaluation, assessment, proportion, scale, ratio, size, depth, range, distance, lookout, vista, prospect, view, scene, outlook, overlook

And So We Talked

I talked to my mom yesterday evening. It was pretty much a waste of time. She could sense from the very beginning that I didn't agree with her decision to leave my dad. She wanted to stop talking then. I should have let her, but I didn't want her to hang up angry. So I kept her on the line for an hour or so.

I just can't understand where she's coming from. She wants to live in town and he wants to keep their house in the country. She says that people have been suggesting she get a job or volunteer for quite some time, but that never helps because really she's just missing dad. She wants to know why I'm not mad at him.

She says she really doesn't want their marriage to end, but she's not willing to put up with "some things" anymore. Things she won't tell me about. She says he's not having an affair. She says he's not a bad man. She says he's always been a good provider. She says being away from him only makes her miss him more and I say that's exactly what I'm afraid of.

I guess she has to do what she has to do, but what if this all goes horribly wrong? What if Dad breaks down? What if she is still lonely and bored and depressed only in a dark one bedroom apartment in town instead of in a beautiful home in the country?

I did no good. I just hope I didn't make it worse.

Doing Without Doing

After my practice last night with Baron Baptiste and his Core Power session (which I scored yesterday at Ross for $3.99), there are two concepts which I am trying to wrap my brain around this morning.

The first is the recommendation that you never go beyond where you are comfortable in yoga. In this sense yoga is about accepting yourself where you are. It is not a competitive activity. Even when taking a class you are never to compare yourself with others in the class, but to do what you can do. This keeps you from injuring yourself.

However, at the same time yoga is about challenging yourself. Pushing yourself to go beyond your what you believe you are capable of.

I think that difference lies in the two realms of your "self" which yoga is aimed at uniting: the body and the mind. In yoga you are often encouraged to listen to your body but to quiet the mind. As physical beings our bodies have limitations. Sometimes our hamstrings are tight or our backs are sore or our abdominals are weak.

Our minds also have limitations. Fear, insecurity, anger, impatience, etc. In some poses our minds limit us more than our bodies. Mine often says "I can't." But when pushed I find that physically I can.

Mom & Dad

My mom called this morning. I couldn't really talk to her, partially because I'm at work and partially because I totally disapprove of what she's doing. She's leaving my dad.

Growing up I've always been closer to my mom, but these last few months have begun to change all that. My dad's been the only one who's been real with me. Telling me what's happening. Telling me how they're not getting along. Telling me how it's going to end. Telling me how he's going to a class.

My mom says he's going to the class to work on his anger. I don't remember my dad as being really angry. Not abnormally and definitely not abusively. He's an expressive like me though. But hell I think he deserves to be angry. The poor guy just lost both of his parents within 6 months of each other. His wife, whom he's always supported, who has never had to work, or do anything but grocery shop and watch old black and white movies is leaving him because "they've hit a wall."

When he told me that she was looking for a new place on Saturday it made me angry and sad. I just want to protect my dad. Don't get me wrong, I don't want either of them to be unhappy. But, I just really think my dad needs the most support. He's the one being left behind.

When I asked him what I could do he said "Just let me connect with you."

He told my mom that we had talked, so she called. I didn't answer the phone. She called again today. I answered because I knew she'd be worried. We didn't talk long. I said "I've been holding off because I'm not sure what I want to say." How do you tell your mom that you think she's wrong and she's making the biggest mistake of her life. She's never gonna find someone as good as my dad. And I fear that he may not be as good without her.

Off Balance

This morning in my practice I was very unbalanced. I can usually do side plank pose, at left, relatively easily. But today I was extra wobbly.

Later as I was reading Sivananda Companion to Yoga I was struck by the fact that balance is not only a recurring theme in the asanas, or postures, but in the underlying philosophy of yoga itself. While reading I was reminded of the recurring quest for balance in my own life. I remember countless conversations with my friend Tiffany which would often end with one of us saying wistfully, "it's all about balance."

As I begin to delve more into the underlying world of yoga I find that it is complex and yet very simple. Thanks to Swami Vishnu-devnanda who came to spread yoga in the west in 1957, it is even easier to understand. The book says that "By closely observing the lifestyles and needs of people in the West, he synthesized the ancient wisdom of yoga into five basic principles that can easily be incorporated into your own pattern of living to provide the foundation of a long and healthy life." The five principles he sites are proper relaxation, proper exercise, proper breathing, proper diet and positive thinking and meditation.

I used to think that we are all striving for balance in our lives, but that attaining it was hopeless because as soon as we got one area under control another area would need attention. Now I see that I may be off balance currently, but that I am not destined to remain in a wavering state. Perhaps by working on the five principles of Sivananda Yoga I can finally find my center.

Crow Pose

Lately I've been revisiting my interest in yoga and I've really been wanting to get into arm balances. Today while going through Strengthen II on my DVD with Marlon Braccia (which I bought at Ross for $5) we did Crow Pose (see left). I actually held it for a few seconds. I fell on my face a couple of times, but I actually pushed myself back up and balanced for a little while.

It occurred to me after coming out of it that I probably could have held it longer if I hadn't given into my fear and doubt. This concept excites me. I can't wait to try it again. All day I've been thinking about shutting my door and going through my vinyasas. Thoughts of back bends and forward bends have been enticing me to get up tomorrow and practice some more.

Pluck

This is my 80th post. As such it seems as though it is a good time to revisit the theme of my first blog new technological adventures. Eeek!

I have a few blogs that I like to keep track of, but I have to admit that I am tired of checking them daily to see if there is anything new. So I decided to be brave and to check into an RSS aggregator.

I didn't want another icon cluttering my desktop. Nor did I want to have to run a separate program so I decided to go with a something online. According to my techno guru, Carlos, the program I chose, Pluck, is a plugin for Internet Explorer.

So far I'm liking this program. It opens as a sidebar so I can navigate the internet without interference. I can close it if I get tired of looking at it or I can leave it open. I haven't discovered if there is a way to force it to search for new posts. Nor am I sure how often it refreshes, but for my needs it seems to be working just fine.