Thursday, March 09, 2006

Watching Another Marriage Dissolve

My husband's sister instant messaged me today. She and her husband had a big fight this morning. She asked him to move out. He refused. This has been a long time coming. My husband and I both think they should have tried to work it out, got some help, but they've just been letting it build and build and build. Hoping that maybe the other person would change, I guess. Slowly their hearts grew so hard toward each other that even the way he made guacamole was cause to send her into thoughts of divorce.

Anyway, she's wanted this for a while, she's been stalling because she's afraid of raising her son all alone, I believe, although she'll tell you she does it all now anyway. But financially her husband is of some assistance and occasionally he will take care of the kid so she can do something else.

So not knowing what to say or do since she's made up her mind and talking her out of it didn't make sense, I said "Do you need anything? I'm here for you." She replied with, "I don't know. Would you and G want to rent a house with me and B?" My response: "Hmm...I'm not sure...I'd have to talk to G about it...Plus we're in our lease until October."

After talking with G we realized that we can't just leave her to fend for herself, even if we don't agree with her. And that there could be both pros and cons to an arrangement like this. It could free up some money for us so G could have more freedom in changing careers. It could fill our often quiet home with fun and laughter and tears and all that good stuff that being with family brings. But it means having a kid in our house and helping to take care of him and keeping him away from our precious dogs and having to work for alone time.

There's a good chance that none of this will happen anyway, because that's how things are sometimes. She lives and works on the east side, we're on the west. We're in a lease so we'd have to upgrade into a bigger apartment with the same company, she wants her own backyard. (Tangent:It's funny to me that people always want backyards for their kids and their pets. We've lived in both situations and I think Bailey prefers to not have one.)

I wish that I had the clarity in these situations to know what the right thing to do or say was and then the courage to do it. But it is never black and white, is it?


Martha said...

How difficult!

That would certainly be a change for you.

What an odd thing, this "marriage."

brataloid said...

totally! i just came across a book at barnes & noble called why i'm still married. it's essays written by women authors about all the good, the bad and the ugly of married life. it looks fantastic! i can't wait to get a copy.

tiffany said...

Nothing is ever easy.
Ultimately she has to decide - anything she hears could help, hurt or not even really be heard. No one can ever see the situation exactly the way she sees it either.
no fun . . .