Monday, December 01, 2008

Day 15: What Makes Us Valuable?

As I was leaving work the other day the question "What makes us valuable?" popped into my head.

Is it our work? Our contribution to society? How we look? How we perceive ourselves? How many people love us? Our personalities?

When my mom was here over Thanksgiving this concept came up again. I mentioned to her that a friend I spent a lot of time with earlier this summer had stopped calling me. I admitted to being conflicted about this. On one hand sad about this because I had kinda hoped it would become more than a friendship some day, but on the other hand the thought of being with someone else makes me want to vomit.

She nailed it when she said that what I really wanted was someone to want to be with me to make me feel valuable.

As I left work today, this idea came up in my mind again. I realized that my insecurity was always there. Raw and desperate. Being with my ex only exasperated the intensity of my pain because he had a way of making me feel worthless. But he was only able to do this because it resonated with what I was already telling myself. Now, without the ex, I'm much better off without him demeaning me, but I won't be free until I learn how to stop belittling myself.

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