Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Day 17: Indulgence is not self care

It occurred to me as I was smoking a cigarette after work this afternoon and watching the sun set turn the clouds pink that I haven't been taking care of myself.

It probably seems crazy, but I think I've been deluding myself into thinking that by giving into my vices (eating comfort foods, smoking, drinking wine) I was supporting my distressed emotional self. But at that moment it hit me that those behaviors are not true self care.

This epiphany, however, did not stop me from drinking two glasses of red wine with dinner. Nor did it stop me from eating ice cream for dessert or smoking another cigarette later. (Did I mention I had a milk shake with lunch?)

(Image provided by Gravity X9)

So here is where it becomes tricky for me. I know that I need to change my behaviors in order to truly take care of myself in this stressful phase of my life, but that realization doesn't make the impulse to indulge go away.

From what I've been reading I don't think meditation will take it way either as I had originally hoped. But what I've read meditation can do is train me to wait out the impulses and then make better choices. This concept is both alluring and terrifying for me.

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